Millie: “Included among them is an accusation that Brooks turned down a role in Twister, saying (seriously) that he refused to share the screen with the tornado, which he called the real star. “
April: okay dude.
April: i saw that.
April: i don’t believe it.
April: no way.
April: he’s a man of the people.
Millie: he turned down the twister gig out of humility
Millie: “the tornado is the only star i see”
April: “i don’t want to outshine the tornado”
April: “let’s give that tornado guy a chance; this could be his big break”
Millie: “what could i possibly contribute”
Millie: also - he writes scripts?
Millie: “a rock star worth more dead than alive”
April: dude, i don’t know if i believe any of this?
Millie: i want him to write scripts so bad.
Millie: like if that whole fucking chris gaines thing was just a taste
Millie: think of what he can do
April: i feel like after the chris gaines fiasco, he was done
April: i feel like THAT is what made him quit!
Millie: well people obviously thought he was fucking BANANAS after that
Millie: but just from a creative standpoint
April: like, “nobody cares about this other side of me. i’ll stick to being a party cowboy”
Millie: like if he’s writing crazy man scripts in a basement, i want them all to be produced
April: well obviously
Millie: PARTY COWBOY
April: i think he WAS doing that
April: and chris gaines blew out his creative flame
April: crushed his creative soul
Millie: dude will they make FORNUCOPIA into a movie?!
April: HAHAHAHAHA GOD IF ONLY
April: i’m telling you
April: i see it like this
April: i think he HAD some irons the fire
April: had some scripts/ideas
April: thought chris gaines was the best one to flesh out
April: took that chance, did it
April: and then when it TANKED and CREEPED AMERICA OUT, he went home to his home office and threw everything in the trash
April: like, “they don’t get this other side of me and never will”
April: and then back to COWBOY JAMS
Millie: the best is that he had to create a new person to become a screenwriter
Millie: like party cowboy does not equal script writer
Millie: mutually exclusive
April: haha yes!
April: i mean, it’s true!
April: party cowboys can’t sit down and put on their drugstore 99 cent reading glasses and bang out a script
Millie: dude i want him to be a screenwriter
Millie: i just wanna know the kind of shit that would come out of that
April: well of course!
April: holy shit, what if it’s like merchant ivory shit
April: he seems like he could be a secret genius
Millie: god i imagine it would be like a anna nicole smith movie
Millie: like some cop movie with a cowboy
April: NO WAY MAN
April: i think garth is secretly smart!
April: like he’s all “aw shucks” on stage but reading proust at home
April: you think it’s some terrible action movie with him as the hero and he wrote in 17 sex scenes just so he can french some hot chick?
Millie: i want to know what makes you think garth brooks is into proust
Millie: like, reasons why he’s a genius ARE:
April: he just SEEMS like it
April: when he’s on SNL he’s SUPER GOOD
Millie: SEEMS LIKE IT
April: you have to be smart to be funny on your feet
April: come on
April: as WACK as chris gaines was, think of the DETAIL
April: no dumb person could do that
Millie: okay, let’s review
Millie: reasons why he’s a genius (according to you):
Millie: 1) seems like it
Millie: 2) good on SNL
Millie: 3) chris gaines
Millie: CHRIS GAINES IS A REASON
April: number one is a pretty solid reason
Millie: number one is the best
Millie: i agree that chris gaines is like psychotically the greatest thing that ever happened
Millie: but i see GB as being totally pompous
April: okay, maybe i went too far with “genius”
April: i should have said NOT DUMB
Millie: i think he’s like aiming towards a big budget michael bay thing
April: like i don’t think he’d write a michael bay explosion-fest
April: HAHAHA JINX!
April: see i don’t get pompous at all!
April: like i think he had a PARTY COWBOY persona on purpose as to not alienate people/make them feel bad!
April: because he knows he’s smarter than most
Millie: not making them feel bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: so he was like, “i want them to feel comfortable and not like i’m looking down on them” so he was this hyper party cowboy in concert
Millie: “guys, i’ll be flying through the air here singing songs as to not make you feel bad”
April: to make them feel like he’d PARTY WITH THEM
April: it’s like voting for the prez based on who you’d have a beer with
April: and then he goes home and writes shakespearean scripts
Millie: i agree that he’s shakespearean in that he’s a total DRAMA QUEEN
Millie: like that “thunder rolls” video is high drama
April: okay WHY do you think g. brooks is a TOTAL ASSHOLE?
Millie: well i don’t think he’s a TOTAL asshole
Millie: but i see him as like, andrew lloyd webber
Millie: or jim steinman or something
April: HHAHAHAHAHAHAA WHAT
Millie: just like guys who are high on the production value
Millie: but less REN FEST of course
April: like chris gaines was the vessel through which he could sing 7+ minute epic ren fest jams?
Millie: i will sail my vessel til the river runs dry
Millie: okay think of chris gaines
Millie: think of the detail, as you said
April: see i see him as like, growing up in the south like us, BUT ALSO into cool/counterculture shit
Millie: i feel like that’s high production value
April: but hiding that so people won’t think he’s a snob
Millie: i love this “hiding his snobbery” thing SO MUCH
April: I FEEL IT IS TRUE!
Millie: like is garth brooks really concerned that he’s making his fans feel bad
April: but he grew up around HONKY TONKERS and also wants to be cool with them
Millie: i mean, i know they’re all corncobs or whatever
Millie: so he’s hanging out with the drama club in secret
Millie: when really he’s like a future farmers of america dude
Millie: okay so i get that he has to hide his “poetic” side to his country friends
Millie: but like, don’t you think that his “poetic” side is OVER THE TOP
April: okay sure! yeah!
April: i’m just saying i don’t see him sitting down with like CRAYONS and writing an “expendables”-type movie
Millie: i feel like all the years of repression would force him to write this crazy overwrought rock opera
April: i think it’s at least smarter than that
Millie: but i also think it’ll be shitty
Millie: like it’s a shitty big budget movie
April: oh okay
Millie: like just by nature of a country musician making a movie-shitty
April: i thought you were saying it would be just be some doof muscle explosion fest where he writes a part for him to be the MANLY HERO and fuck the hot chick or whatever
Millie: well…i don’t put that past him either
Millie: he IS posing next to a pair of boobs
Millie: in fornucopia
April: THAT ISN’T HIM THOUGH
Millie: god i love talking about the craziness of garth brooks
April: hahahaha me too
April: i swear to GOD, i feel like he’s secretly smart and even secretly maybe a little punk
April: like into a little weirder shit than you think
April: HAHAHAHAHA i’m putting that on my business cards
April: April Richardson, Party Cowboy
Millie: god i fucking love talking about GARTH BROOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: HAHAHAHA ME TOOOOOOOOO
April: but i genuinely LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: i think he would HANG WITH US!
Millie: i cannot stop laughing
April: hahaha me too
April: we are like PSYCHOANALYZING HIM
Millie: YOU THINK GARTH BROOKS WOULD HANG OUT WITH US
Millie: god he is so dramatic
April: I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: i think he’s seen like john waters movies and shit!
Millie: okay HOW do you think this?!?!?!
Millie: i can’t stop laughing
April: dude i was INTO HIM in middle school
April: and read interviews
April: and i remember him saying he was super into KISS and shit
April: which, to COUNTRY AUDIENCES, is like saying you fucking worship the devil
April: like fucking country channel interviewers would be like, “WHAT???” all SCANDALIZED by that
April: he repped KISS and some METAL pretty hard! no shit!
Millie: that convinces you that he’s cool and would “HANG” with us HAHAHA
Millie: “he seems it”
April: hahahahahaha YES!
April: telling those hayseeds you like KISS is pretty hardcore
April: that’s like the most punk thing you can do IN THAT CONTEXT
April: okay i am making myself laugh now
April: but i’m kind of serious!
April: I THINK GARTH BROOKS WOULD HAVE TRADED ZINES WITH US IN HIGH SCHOOL
Millie: HAHAHHAHAHA YOU ARE FUCKING NUTS
April: ALSO, ELVIS AS EXTRA IN “HOME ALONE” !!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: THE KING OF ROCK & ROLL is gonna come back from the dead to take a back seat to MACAULAY CULKIN in a movie
Millie: hahahaha okay dude
Millie: i laughed about that SO HARD last night
Millie: just the video
April: dude me too!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: that fucking song
Millie: i could not stop laughing
April: the song, the “you decide” shit at the end
April: i mean, listen — the dude DOES look A LOT like him, sure
April: but okay
April: i love how they are like, “THEY BOTH TILTED THEIR HEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
April: “SOLID PROOF!!!!!!!!!!!”
April: that’s some real tough INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM right there
Millie: HAHAHA right! the argument rests just on that one thing
April: “see how they both nodded their heads? i rest my case.”
April: “also, beard.”
Millie: “You Decide”
April: still though, the idea of ELVIS MOTHERFUCKING PRESLEY going, “i think i’ll sneak in as an EXTRA in HOME ALONE” makes me HOWL with laughter
Millie: HAHAHA me too!
April: like, of all the movies
April: also, bare mins, he’d wink at the camera
April: i mean, come on
April: he’s a showman
Millie: right!! there is so fucking way that dude would just be relegated to a dude in a line
April: in HOME ALONE
April: also, Frank Nickelback
April: i love acting like people’s names are what they do
April: or that like, all movies are named after characters
April: “did you see that movie ‘platoon’? it’s about Chad Platoon and his struggles.”
Millie: CHAD PLATOON
April: i love that shit
April: “did you see ‘cocktail’? it’s about the life and times of Fred Cocktail.”
April: that is so dumb but makes me laugh so hard
April: “did you see ‘twilight’? kristen stewart was so great as Betty Twilight.”
April: just how like a 5-year-old would name movies after the characters
April: or just assume everyone names shit after themselves
April: the lead singer of creed, Johnny Creed
April: yo, what have you been up to lately?
Millie: working basically
Millie: and going to the gym
Millie: like a boring fucking dork
April: no way man, whatever
April: i started running post-dumpage
April: and i’m getting into it
April: we might be At That Age
Millie: yeah man, i’ve been on that couch-to-5k jam
April: i’m like, “i don’t even think i can jokingly eat at taco bell every day anymore”
Millie: dude i know i can’t
Millie: like if i eat something remotely awesome at lunch, i’m dragging total ass when i’m running at the gym after work
Millie: i’m like, “oh, so that’s why you shouldn’t eat fried chicken tacos”
April: hahaha right?
April: yeah it’s weird
April: for like the MONTH after i got dumped, i basically didn’t eat.
April: i mean, i was just so not into it
April: like i’ve only just gradually started eating again
April: and i immediately tried to eat like A WHOLE PIZZA and it fucked my world up
April: and i was like, “don’t think i can do this anymore?”
Millie: we’re at a “come to terms age” with this stuff
April: oh totally!
April: like i know i joke all day about the bullshit i eat, but i’m for real like, “don’t think that can be me anymore”
April: not like i’m some annoying preachy health nut now or anything though
April: i just can’t rage on that shit all the time now
Millie: yeah, basically everything gives me instant diarrhea
Millie: ice cream being the worst
Millie: and anything fried
April: OH YOU KNOW ice cream was ALWAYS my butthole’s kryptonite
April: hahahaha okay even i’m laughing at that
Millie: Butthole’s Kryptonite, the new rollercoaster at Six Flags Over Georgia
April: i want to tweet that now but people will be like, “okay, you’re talking about your own diarrhea?”
April: i would totally ride a roller coaster called BUTTHOLE’S KRYPTONITE
April: what would the design of that be?
April: like with flames painted on the sides of the cars?
Millie: it would be like cars in the shape of donuts and pizzas and tacos going into a butt
Millie: and then coming out of the other side through a ring of fire
Millie: dude i can’t even type i’m laughing so hard
Millie: at the thought of this
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA ME TOO
April: “pizzas and tacos going into a butt”
Millie: i’m like, what if this was our job for real
April: i’m crying
April: GOD I WISH
April: “pizzas and tacos going into a butt” sounds like what a little kid thinks sex is
Millie: to come up with the rollercoaster equivalent of someone’s diarrhea
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA right?!
Millie: little kids on playground telling each other “having sex is basically like a pizza going into a butt!”
April: HAHAHA YES!
April: like it sounds like a 5-year-old’s explanation for where babies come from
April: but would the roller coaster go through a ring of fire?
April: like the cars have the foods on them and then they pass through a tight ring of fire?
April: i can’t believe i just tweeted that
April: OH WELL
Millie: IT’S OUT THERE
April: why is butthole just the best word ever though?
Millie: i feel like there’s gotta be a water component to this ride
April: i do too!
Millie: like maybe after you leave the butthole, there’s like this water portion
Millie: like people gotta get off our ride in wet jean shorts
Millie: that’s my goal in this fake life we just created
April: but how graphic is this going to get?
April: like will the water be BROWN?
Millie: we might as well have like, the cars changed to LOGS
April: HAHAHA YES! TOTALLY LOGS!
Millie: another log flume ride
April: and we’ll call the track the HERSHEY HIGHWAY
Millie: high school kids are high-fiving each other getting off our ride going, “DUDE - the best part of Butthole’s Kryptonite was DEFINITELY Hershey Highway”
Millie: i am crying typing this
April: getting photos of themselves screaming midway through
April: hahahaha i am too
April: it’s so gross and dumb and awesome
Millie: it’s like my fourth-grade brain has taken over the keyboard
April: i imagine it being wooden though too and having like a yosemite sam-esque mascot
April: i don’t know why
April: but Butthole’s Kryptonite could have a wild wild west theme
April: like you know how they used to have to use explosives in mines to get gold out or whatever?
April: i feel like that metaphor could apply
Millie: HAHAHHAHA OH MY GOD i was totally thinking panhandlers something!
Millie: like maybe the actual butthole is the butthole of an old toothless prospector
Millie: like you go down the front of his overalls
April: HAHAHAHAHA i love that we are on the same page with this
April: with this PROJECT
Millie: i am screaming
April: tears are seriously rolling down my face
April: people at work think i’m a lunatic
Millie: it’s like, every thing i’m typing i’m screaming and crying during it
Millie: like WHY IS MY BRAIN TALKING ABOUT OLD BUTTHOLES
April: six flags needs to hire us as creative consultants.
Millie: i’m ready to do this for the rest of my life
April: BACK UP THE BRINKS TRUCK OF DOLLARS
Millie: i’m ready to be Rollercoaster Monthly’s Women of the Year
April: sponsored by pepto bismol
April: “these women have done wonders for the roller coaster world as well as raising awareness for IBS”
Millie: dude, the idea of “getting photos of themselves screaming midway through” is possibly the finest idea of your life
Millie: i cannot stop laughing at that
Millie: just the idea of getting a screaming pic on that ride
Millie: you there?
Millie: i just have to say GODDAMN I LOVE WHAM!
April: george michael = best voice
Millie: no shit man
Millie: it’s like, i feel bad for dudes who think wham is too gay to listen to because they were fucking GREAT
Millie: TOO BAD THEY WERE AWESOME
April: i know
April: i feel like most dudes can’t look past the short shorts and fingerless gloves
April: i mean, g. michael wrote some JAMS
Millie: i was watching the video for “i’m your man” and it’s like, have fun NEVER HAVING that much fun ever in life
Millie: can you imagine being in the crowd for the “i’m your man” video
April: BUT ALSO
April: real talk?
April: when i got dumped, i listened to “careless whisper” 5,000 times
Millie: oh my god, are you kidding? that is THE song to listen to when that happens
Millie: “i’m never gonna dance again”
April: i was seriously like, “i have never identified more with a song ever in my life”
Millie: GOD I BET
April: now re-peeping the “i’m your man” video
Millie: what a fucking FUN ASS SONG
Millie: like everyone is having THE MOST FUN EVER
Millie: like in all their videos, the crowds are about to eat people’s faces!!!!!
Millie: even in the “wake me up before you go go”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA BAFF SALTZ
Millie: people are fucking WYLIN’
Millie: i love it
April: how can you not WILD OUT to this beat?!
Millie: like imagine being instructed, “hey, you’re gonna be in this wham video and you have to have the MOST FUN YOU HAVE EVER HAD EVER”
Millie: and then “i’m your man” comes on
Millie: and it’s like, the greatest funnest pop song ever
April: yeah, then you’re like, i don’t even have to TRY
April: NO ACTING NECESSARY
Millie: i just love how they didn’t fucking care how poppy and lame they were
Millie: they were like back-to-back with fingerless gloves going FUCK IT
April: also, listen
April: YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT SAX SOLOS
April: IN POP SONGS
April: i forgot that g. mikes is pretty bear-y in this
Millie: so i gotta ask
Millie: do you feel like you know him better after visiting greece?
April: okay listen
April: was kind of legit mad there wasn’t a monument to him or some shit?
April: or like a graceland-type place?
Millie: RIGHT?!?!?! is there not???
April: like his childhood home wasn’t bronzed?
April: wait, did he grow up there?
April: or whatever, his ancestors’ house
April: something should have been honored
Millie: yeah why isn’t there a walking tour of his grandma’s house
April: i mean, i guess i know his GAYNESS more after being there
April: after being in mykonos
Millie: look, if there’s a tupac memorial HERE, there should be a george michael tribute in greece
April: i’m saying!
April: where’s the greek music hall of fame?
April: it’s like him and yanni
Millie: there should be like a mount rushmore in greece of him, john stamos, and george michael
April: i love that we can’t think of a fourth famous greek person
April: the chick who made “my big fat greek wedding” ?
April: i seriously forgot that g.m. looks like michael mcdonald in this video
Millie: “michael dukakis?”
Millie: that would be like the wackest mountain of all
April: okay, you’ve simply forced me to watch wham videos all day now
April: “young guns go for it”! forgot about this ish!
April: legit FUNKY BASSLINE on this jam
April: LEATHER VEST AND NO SHIRT
April: holy shit how did anyone think this dude was straight for even five seconds
April: including me
Millie: in hindsight it was like, “we fucked up.”
April: i mean, i for real thought the “i want your sex” video was the most hetero thing of all time
April: but i also thought that about the “top gun” volleyball scene
Millie: oh god, i mean me too
Millie: it was just so masculine
April: but watching this i’m like, “so there was a time when teenage girls saw a dude on stage in a leather vest and no shirt and wanted to tap it?”
Millie: i mean at least in the video for “father figure” he was all feeling up a woman
April: i mean, in “i want your sex” he was basically FINGERBLASTING that asian woman on cam!
April: i was SO SCANDALIZED by that as a kid
Millie: god that entire thing. that video and song
April: like it was one of the first SEXY THINGS i saw and had SEXY FEELINGS about
April: that and the “love in an elevator” video
Millie: the song had like wet sex noises in the background for crying out loud
Millie: whatever that SOUND was
Millie: i guess it’s a synth
Millie: matched up w/ the EXTREME close up of those buttcheeks walking
Millie: COME ON
April: okay, this is a jam for real
April: i’m revisiting shit
April: “young guns go for it,” totally forgot
April: i mean this has some nile rodgers shit to it
Millie: GOD i’m listening to it too
Millie: shit is a jam
Millie: i love this bridget nielsen lady they sing to in this clip
April: hahaha yes!
April: GOD i love how SEVERE some ’80s chicks were
Millie: I KNOW
Millie: i love how confessional he is in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf_Lwe6p-Cg
Millie: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT FROM ME
April: “TO NOT BE GAY?”
April: GOD THIS SONG IS SUCH A FUCKING JAM
Millie: i’m telling you — how the fuck can anyone hate this
April: no shit right?
April: it’s just irrefutable
Millie: i honestly feel sorry for people who are homophobic
April: it’s like being like, “i hate food.”
Millie: because they miss out on the AMAZINGNESS OF WHAM
April: i’m no shit like dancing at my desk right now
April: that LA LA LA LA LA part
April: so on point
Millie: “WHY! I work so hard for YOUUUU!”
April: and then that bass part
April: “won’t somebody tell me”
April: in the background
Millie: another fucking jam: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFwOs-jy53A
April: i remember the girl who babysat for me when i was like 5 was SO IN LOVE with his ass
April: like wallpapered her shit with his picture
Millie: yeah i was really into him when “faith” came out
Millie: i remember i rode home with my friend on the bus the afternoon when MTV premiered the i want your sex video
Millie: we were like WE HAVE TO SEE THIS.
April: oh totally
April: i remember watching it at my grandparents’ house after they were asleep
Millie: yeah this girl was older than me and i was like SO SCANDALIZED
April: okay i might listen to “everything she wants” on repeat for the next three hours
Millie: but she was like, “um yeah, that’s what happens okay”
Millie: i can’t stop listening to “I’m Your Man”
Millie: i just can’t.
April: “UM, YEAH, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS OKAY”
April: “a guy will write on your back with lipstick, that’s what sex is”
Millie: “you are pregnant now”
April: i mean, i also feel like people forget that george wrote all this shit!
April: NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE
Millie: TALENT AND A FACE TO MATCH
April: i wish he didn’t constantly fall asleep in cars now
Millie: wait, what?!?!
April: he basically gets arrested every day in england for falling asleep in his car in the middle of the street
April: i feel like he gets blown in a park and then goes to drive home and falls asleep
Millie: “well i got what i zzzzzzzzzzzz”
April: hahaha i swear i’ve read about him falling asleep at the wheel AT LEAST twice recently
Millie: i am so fucking googling “george michael asleep in car”
Millie: OMG!! http://www.cinemablend.com/pop/George-Michael-Falls-Asleep-At-The-Wheel-Again-1179.html
April: I DONE TOLD YOU!
April: hahahaha “again” is in the headline