New Perspective On Shit



April is on the West Coast & Millie is on the East Coast & they talk at work every day via Instant Messenger. aprilandmillie@gmail.com

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brain itches Theme by Adam Holwerda.


Millie: okay bobby brown songs are HILARIOUS.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: dude.
April: listen.
Millie: ben made this spotify playlist of all East Coast Family-related songs and it is cracking me up
April: one of my FAVORITE THINGS IN THIS WORLD is when, during “don’t be cruel,” to demonstrate how cold this bitch is, he says, “WHEN I PUT A DRINK UP, YOU WON’T EVEN TOAST”
Millie: YES!! all his songs are rife with this kind of shit
April: like, is that it? if that’s the WORST she’s doing, she’s not that bad.
Millie: i mean, where does he get this shit
Millie: “i GUESS we’re gonna have to take control”
Millie: I GUESS
Millie: or when he’s like “some ask the question: why am i so real?”
Millie: SOME ASK IT
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: “why is bobby so real?”
April: like asking their friends that
Millie: this small group of people being like, “why is he so real?”
April: I MADE THIS MONEY, YOU DIDN’T. RIGHT, TED?
April: “confirm this for me, ted.”
Millie: hahahahahahahahahahahaha
Millie: also:
April: that’s teddy riley, right?
Millie: “and as a matter of fact, it blows my mind”
Millie: now that i’m thinking about it, YES
April: “A MATTER OF FACT” HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: yeah, ted riles
Millie: to me that is a fucking showman
April: okay i’m listening to “don’t be cruel” now
Millie: just people riffing on shit like that
April: GOD I LOVE THIS ALBUM
April: i got this CASSETTE from columbia house, no shit
Millie: bobby brown, prince, david lee roth
April: wore it the fuck out
Millie: always just coming up with shit on the cuff
Millie: the cover is hilarious
April: uh, the KING of riffs, fucking daryl hall
Millie: he’s standing in front of like, a marble countertop
April: “i want you jackie — i want you more than human eyes can see.”
Millie: the best thing about this era of music, in all of the imagery
Millie: it’s like guys in business suits standing with one hand on a black dining room chair
April: YES
Millie: like “i demand to be taken seriously”
April: HAHAHA YES
April: it’s like EXECUTIVE HARDNESS
April: like, “i’m hard, but i make money in the boardroom”
Millie: “i see NOTHING wrong with spreading myself around.”
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: dude, please don’t forget about “on our own”
April: i swear to you i listen to that song like ONCE A WEEK.
Millie: yeah i know! that’s why i was like “i GUESS we’re gonna”
Millie: i just said that
April: haha shit oh yeah
Millie: just like that random stuff he comes up with makes me laugh so much
April: like shrugging, “I GUESS”
Millie: yeah - it was like the first thing i said hahaha
Millie: and he’s like “yeah, i think this is gonna be one of those funky ones”
April: dude i love this song so much.
Millie: yep - headed in that direction
April: hahaha
Millie: “listen, i heard the first few bars and guys look - it’s gonna be a funky one”
April: “oh, you think it is? well, you are making it. you control the level of funky.”
Millie: HAHAHAHA
Millie: i argue that you knew it was funky before you even fucking went to the studio
April: hahahahaha
Millie: DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW
April: “look, we work for you. you tell us how funky to get and we will twist the knobs.”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: okay now i’m all bobby brown all day on youtube
Millie: knobs with a tape label that just say FUNKY in sharpie
April: HAHAHAHA
April: okay please watch the video for “rock wit’cha” now.
April: him dancing in a vest in front of bubbles
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: wait
April: okay real question
April: was he the ONLY dude with gumby hair?
April: i feel like he was
April: i feel like he tried to start a thing and no one followed?
Millie: oh my god this “sexy city bedroom”
Millie: “it’s okay THICKNESS”
Millie: my god
Millie: my god this video
April: dude he looks like 16 in it
April: dude if a guy played this song for me right now in 2013 he could get it
Millie: okay listen - we need a live show where we play videos like this and dog them out
Millie: i just want to fucking talk about how HILARIOUSLY SHITTY this video is
April: i’m saying!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: but i am FEELING this song still
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: humping the floor dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: haha that waiter serving the PIE or whatever
April: “share a drink of wine”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: okay, bobby brown was born in ‘69
Millie: and “don’t be cruel” was in ‘88
Millie: so he was like 19 years old
Millie: HUMPING THE FLOOR at 19
April: holy shit!
April: yeah, makes sense, since he was like 12 in new edition hahaha
Millie: okay - this video is fucking hilarious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0FKzPfsxA4
Millie: he is a straight up SHOWMAN
April: dude this song.
April: i’m like, “fuck you, ‘let it be’!”
Millie: where does he get this shit?!
April: I LOVE THIS SONGGGGGGGG
Millie: hahahaha this fucking 19 year old little pimp with this hilarious swag
Millie: i love it
April: GUMBY HAIR
April: i’m telling you, i feel like NO OTHER DUDES got this hair.
April: “you would even talk to MAE”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: his rap in the middle is so great
April: i would date 19-year-old bobby brown.
Millie: 110% confidence
April: SUSPENDERS AND BIKE SHORTS
April: “a real live fantasy”
April: that literally makes zero sense.
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: “a completely real mirage!”
Millie: i bet if you tried to date him at this age he would be SO goofy
Millie: just like shimmying all over the house
April: what! NAW
April: that CONFIDENCE
April: “i’m chillin’ much hard, AS YOU ALL KNOW”
Millie: it would be like being in the relationship that was on Martin
April: “word is already out about how hard i’m chillin’”
Millie: and you would be like COME ON BOBBY
April: dude i’m watching this rap again.
April: naw dude, it think he has the confidence of a much older man
April: wait, does he say “my name is bobby and i understand” ?
Millie: i thought it was “my name is bobby and not uncle sam”
April: HAHAHAHAHA SHUT UP
Millie: but i have traditionally been wrong about this
April: hold on, going zapruder on this
April: YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT!
April: dude!
Millie: wait what?!
Millie: how am i right?!?! i am never right!
April: dude you might be right.
Millie: i am speechless!
April: but see now i don’t know if you just got in my head
April: like since you said that now i think that’s it?
April: but i think you might be right
Millie: yeah i’m trying to figure out the context
April: i took it to facebook
Millie: like “i really don’t give a damn - my name is bobby brown and not uncle sam”
April: DUDE I THINK YOU ARE RIGHT.
Millie: why does not giving a damn = uncle sam
Millie: ??
April: well, i think it’s like, “uncle sam has to care about your shit, but i don’t”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: Uncle Sam, REQUIRED to give a shit
Millie: i cannot stop laughing
April: uncle sam has to answer your questions about your taxes or whatever
April: but i, bobby brown, don’t give a damn about any of your probs
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: wait, who is uncle sam? i thought he was taxes
Millie: does uncle sam care? or does he just want money
Millie: perhaps this is another conversation
April: okay i got back up from some crew guys here
April: they say it’s uncle sam!
April: uncle sam wants taxes and wants you to join the army
April: but bobby brown doesn’t care either way i guess?
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: okay, so i guess wanting taxes and the army thing is “caring”
Millie: meanwhile, bobby brown doesn’t give a damn
April: i mean, i guess? in this context?
Millie: if you pay taxes
Millie: or join the army
April: “i’m bobby brown and i don’t give a damn about ANYTHING, not even taxes or the army”
April: dude i’d wear a jacket with my name down the sleeve.
Millie: i was just gonna ask where do you get those giant letters spelling out EVERY LITTLE STEP
Millie: i want some
April: i will get a tailor to make me a jacket with APRIL down one sleeve
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: this song also has my favorite thing at the end: SAX
Millie: man this is the greatest day
April: “when i’m rocking on the microphone, people gotta leave me alone”
April: i love the idea of people walking up to him in the booth with those paint swatches like, “bobby, which one for the living room?” and he’s like, “I’M ROCKING ON THE MICROPHONE, CAN’T THIS WAIT?”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: he is OBSESSED with people leaving him alone
Millie: and people allowing him to have money
April: hahahhahahaha
April: i’m listening to “don’t be cruel” again
April: IF I PUT A DRINK UP, YOU WON’T EVEN TOAST
April: i still laugh so fucking hard at that
Millie: i’m listening to my prerogative
April: hold up let me get on that
Millie: “getting girls is how i live”
Millie: this guy is fucking hilarious
April: dude this groove though.
April: “WHY AM I SO REAL?”
Millie: hahaha it’s like - i’m nine years ago singing “it’s my prerogative!” like i even knew what that meant
Millie: thanks for the vocab word
April: totally!!!
April: BURGER KING HEADSET
April: also, it’s like, WHO was trying to tell him what to do?!
Millie: maybe he was obsessed with being left alone with his money b/c he was a child star?
Millie: that’s the only thing i can imagine
Millie: to get DEEP into BB
April: hahahaha
April: “please leave me alone with my piles of money”
April: “stop asking me about taxes and the army — i do not give a damn.”
Millie: he’s so obsessed with tell you he doesn’t give a damn
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i do not remember hearing anyone gossiping about bobby brown.
Millie: okay this video
April: like even in the ENQUIRER or whatever
Millie: it’s like - where are these videos being filmed
April: a warehouse?
Millie: is this on the set of Metropolis?!
April: hahahahahaha
April: “WHY YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ME?”
Millie: this was such a thing in the late ‘80s
Millie: WET WAREHOUSES
April: OH TOTALLYYYYYYYYYY
April: like, “i gotta go do another show in a damp abandoned warehouse we set up some lights in”
April: that is the start of MANY ’80s videos
Millie: HAHAHAHA
Millie: man
Millie: i want a guy i know to wear this bobby brown suit
April: i love how being obsessed with telling people you don’t give a damn is the definition of GIVING A DAMN
Millie: big shoulders
Millie: two piece
April: DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’M REALLY NOT SOUPED
Millie: don’t get me wrong, i really like soup
April: hahahaha of course i totally thought that was it for a while
April: i love a rich adult going, “I CAN DO WHAT I WANT TO DO!”
April: yeah, no duh!

image
Millie: this sounds so horny: http://www.lance.com/snacktivities/#recipes/fish-nip-dip
April: “snack on adventure”
April: i love it so much when places like this want you to put their shit in your nice dinners
April: like commercials with a mom making dinner for the family and then they are like, “just add doritos to your casserole” or whatever
Millie: dude, they are suggesting having their crackers with WINE
April: i know!!!!!!!!!!!
April: hahahaha
April: i love that shit!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: LANCE CRACKERS WINE PAIRINGS
April: it’s like, you can get these in VENDING MACHINES in HIGH SCHOOLS
April: you prob aren’t chomping on them at your WINE TASTING WEEKEND in NAPA
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i tweeted directly at lance crackers (they have a twitter with bullshit on it, of course) — NO ANSWERS
Millie: dude, it’s that thing that the internet makes companies do that we love
Millie: “i need to fill the space of this twitter account with weird bullshit!”
April: totally
April: or that ELABORATE WEBSITE!
April: they are just CRACKERS!
April: you break ‘em off in AIRPORTS and shit!
April: you aren’t CREATING DINNER around them!
Millie: i think like you rip those open when you’ve been on a desert island like tom hanks
April: hahahahaha exactly!
April: no kid is like, “mom, will you stuff crackers into our dinner again tonight!”
April: “make that awesome cracker casserole you’re always making!”
Millie: here are your captain’s wafers, sir. buon appetito
April: hahahahaha
April: on a platter with white gloves
April: guy with monocle and top hat going, “i do believe i ordered the nip-chee”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: YOUR TOAST CHEE, MY GOOD SIR
April: there’s a section on the website called SNACKTIVITIES
Millie: can you imagine building this website
April: NO!
April: that’s what i’m saying!
Millie: like being some cool web dude person with square glasses being like, “ugh, i gotta make this crackers website”
April: trying to come up with some SNACKTIVITIES!
April: who has to write this copy?!
April: “i need 1,000 words about CRACKERS on my desk by 5!”
Millie: i think this is why people are going crazy
April: hahahaha
Millie: their lives are about trying to make crackers cool on the internet
April: THIS shit is why social media is bonkers
April: you gotta make crackers INTERACTIVE
Millie: and you have to do it like, three times a day
Millie: like “i gotta make three posts about these crackers every day”
April: like is your boss is checking your CRACKER TWEET CONTENT?!

image
Millie: okay, i think the gg allin doc i watched is going to give me nightmares tonight
April: nightmares of poop flying at your face?
April: that dude was totally scary! people with nothing to lose are the scariest!
Millie: i guess when I was younger i was like, “man this guy is hilarious!” and now i’m like, “man this guy is TERRIFYING”
April: oh TOTALLY
Millie: like people who are freaking out on crowds in a concert — holy shit
April: i totally agree
Millie: he like walked up to this woman and pulled her by her hair to the ground and started kicking the shit out of her
Millie: i was like, “okay, no.”
April: yeah and people GO FOR THAT!
April: like for some people that’s the NOVELTY! like, “i might get his blood or shit on me!!! yes!!!” like the world’s grossest gallagher show
Millie: dude you can’t even handle some of the footage.
April: there’s no way i could watch it
April: just the stuff we watched in high school with him throwing his shit from the stage still haunts me
Millie: okay the video i watched at jesse’s was in the doc, where you can SEE him taking a shit
April: i saw that one part!!!
Millie: but then he gets down on the ground and eats it
Millie: then covers his face and chest with it
Millie: also there is one video of him being pissed on by this crack whore
April: imagine being like, “i need FRONT ROW gg allin tix!!!”
Millie: like, his friends got a woman to piss IN his mouth for his birthday
Millie: so like this woman stands over and pisses in his mouth
Millie: THEN after a few secs gg allin throws up all over his face
Millie: and she keeps going
Millie: it’s like, dude.
April: “that’s entertainment!” — the jam
Millie: dude in the OPENING 10 mins of the doc: a close-up of someone shoving a hot dog in their ass and then the pieces break off in gg’s mouth.
Millie: FIRST TEN MINS
April: HAHAHAHAHA the opening credits roll over that
April: might as well get right into it! how do you EASE INTO a dude rolling around in his poop? just go for it, man
April: “let’s get into this delicately”
Millie: hahaha and like everyone runs and leaves when he starts throwing shit
Millie: i mean, you know it’s going down!
Millie: a concert you paid for is over in like five minutes
Millie: because you don’t want dookie on you
Millie: CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIM NEXT TOUR!
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: yeah but you’re PAYING FOR THE DOOKIE EXPERIENCE! that’s what you’re going to see if you go to that shit!!!
Millie: well yeah, then why you running?! aren’t you ready to catch some poop??
April: HAHAHA AREN’T YOU READY??? GET THAT FULL POOP X-PERIENCE YOU PAID FOR!!!!
Millie: all the people in the doc are like, “yeah he’s making a statement about society” and i’m like, “i’m pretty sure the reason why nobody eats poop is because it’s bad for you and it tastes horrible”
Millie: like there’s no social issue about it
April hahahaha imagine if some congressman got up and took a shit and ate it and was like, “MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT” or whatever
April: “I’M HOLDING A POOP-COVERED MIRROR UP TO SOCIETY!”
Millie: like, literally nobody wants to do that
April: or he’s like, “i don’t want to live in a society that isn’t free to eat poop on the streets without judgment” or something
Millie: right?!
April: “the pursuit of life, liberty, happiness, and shit-eating”
Millie: i’m like, “just eat shit on a plate at home”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: “don’t make some big spectacle of it”
April: hahahahahahaha a PLATE
April: like he’s gonna be that civilized
April: “get out the fine china, i got one in the chamber”
Millie: like if you were really bout it you would SAVOR it. like salt and pepper it and tie a napkin around your neck
April: hahahahahahaha like a cartoon cat eating a fish off of a trash can lid
Millie: bugs bunny style hahahaha

Here y’all go.

(Click to download.)


April: okay so also tripping balls over this “mad men” thing: http://www.uproxx.com/tv/2013/05/the-megan-draper-as-sharon-tate-theory-is-the-greatest-mad-men-theory-ever/
Millie: YES YES YES
April: also, let me tell you this right now
Millie: i didn’t even consider that anyone would be MURDERED
April: i have an insane exploding boner for bob benson.
Millie: oh my god MEEEE TOOOOOO
April: like, can’t even handle him at all
April: OFF THE CHARTS farm boy good looks
Millie: and he’s so nice to joan
Millie: i’m so about him
April: EXACTLY
April: even though…
April: i feel like it might be fake?
Millie: which of course, makes me think something’s UP WITH HIM
April: but still
April: YES!
April: hahaha
April: just fresh-faced handsome nice dude
April: the theory about this promo poster is !!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: it seems so obvious now!
Millie: YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: COPS!!!
Millie: BALCONY!!
April: TWO DON DRAPERS!
Millie: TWO SIDED!!!
April: ONE IS HOLDING A WOMAN’S HAND!
Millie: dude i am shitting
April: ME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Millie: okay last episode, did you see it
April: YES
Millie: where megan was on the balcony and those sirens
Millie: i was like WHAT THE HELL?
April: “your activities are offensive to my every waking moment”
April: i loved that line so much
April: oh totally
Millie: dude, betty draper
Millie: LAST LAUGH
April: i can’t even believe how much i love this show
April: and listen, don is a piece of shit
April: BUT
Millie: fucking having breakfast with the dude we saw in burbank!
April: two eps ago where he made the freaks & geeks girl stay in the hotel?
April: TOO HOT FOR TV
April: i was like, TOO INTO THAT
April: ugh
Millie: hahahahaha
Millie: see, i hated that.
April: i was like ASHAMED about how into that i was
Millie: i was like “that’s you just trying to get back to basics!”
April: i just so secretly want to be bossed around, i hate it
April: but i couldn’t believe he had EMOTIONS over her!
April: at all!
April: like losing it when she called it off!
April: oh yeah, we totally saw henry IN THE WILD!
Millie: well yeah!! and that’s when i was like WTF don
Millie: like suddenly she comes in and he’s like obsessed with her??
Millie: i don’t understand
April: right!!!!!
April: he’s had 5,000 affairs just like this!
April: why does he CARE now?
Millie: RIGHT!!!
April: see after this most recent ep, i feel like megan might leave him?
Millie: yeah i mean, maybe she wants to leave him
Millie: and don can’t handle it!
Millie: and then MURDER!!
April: HAHAHAHA
Millie: that dr. rosen thing is fucking crazy too
Millie: god i love ALL THIS
April: yeah, i can see that too
April: but at the end of the ep, she just seemed like she knew things sucked
April: i dunno
April: and then the break-in and dealing with kids
Millie: dude it never occurred to me that someone could get murdered!!
April: oh me neither!
Millie: like that just turned it UP for me
April: like i get that don is practically EMOTIONLESS, but i can’t see him being a MURDERER!
Millie: right
Millie: that would almost be too much if he was a murderer
April: yeah, i can’t see it being him
Millie: sup shawty https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/944132_10151962830899616_1075640837_n.jpg
April: the dr. rosen thing seems real poss
April: OH GURL
April: THEM SHORTS
Millie: literal SHAWT
April: I COULD NOT DEAL.
April: i’m like, BRING THAT STYLE BACK
Millie: okay listen
April: THIGHS LIKE WHAT
Millie: have you heard of chubbies?
April: HAHAHA YES
Millie: those SHORTS
April: okay how tall is bob bens?
Millie: have you seen that commercial?!
April: WHO IS THIS DUDE?
April: like he is literally OUT OF NOWHERE ON MY MIND ALL THE TIME
Millie: it’s like, so douchey but it’s also like, my porn.
April: HEY BOO: http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/who-is-bob-benson-20130513
April: okay JAMES WOLK, get out of my dreams and get into my car: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2312345/
April: OKAY THEN
April: DUDE IS 6’ 4”
April: ?!?!?!?!?!
April: WAS THIS GUY CREATED IN A BONER FACTORY?!
Millie: FUCK!!!
April: i mean, HOW IS THIS REAL?
Millie: wow man. he’s been in NOTHING
April: now STARS IN MY DREAMS ERRY NIGHT
April: do a google image search for this motherfucker.
April: i mean.
April: damn.
April: i’m like, PISSED about how fly this dude is.
Millie: hahahahaha
Millie: get you a date!
April: hahaha yeah, i have a CHANCE
April: how the hell is this dude SIX FOOT FOUR?! i mean, that’s just ridiculous.
April: he’s just Dream Dude 101
Millie: hahahahah exactly