New Perspective On Shit

April: HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA
April: “The Coral Reefer Band is the touring and recording band of American popular music singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffett. Originally it was a fictional band consisting of the imaginary members Marvin Gardens, Kay Pasa, Al Vacado and Kitty Litter.”
April: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coral_Reefer_Band
April: AL VACADO
April: Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band perform during their Summerzcool Tour in June 2009.
April: SUMMERZCOOL
Millie: that entire thing just made me sick
April: dude. AL VACADO
April: how much of a STRETCH is that?!
Millie: that’s at least the GAYEST stretch
April: seriously.
April: also, how ROCK-AFIRE EXPLOSION is that? a FICTIONAL BAND OF IMAGINARY MEMBERS?! backing up JIMMY BUFFETT’S GROWN ASS?
April: he’s like 60! with this fakey band?!
Millie: this is like chris gaines all over again.
April: it’s like chris gaines on 10!
Millie: chris gaines was the CREEPIEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN
Millie: didn’t anybody realize that?!
April: i think garth brooks spent the years after that trying to sweep it under the rug
April: like he did some “eternal sunshine” shit on AMERICA to rid them of the memory
Millie: HOW QUICKLY the public forgot
Millie: i’ll tell you i didn’t
Millie: i never will!
April: hahaha i know! it’s like BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
April: i love how we viewed that fake “behind the music” with a CRITICAL EYE
Millie: i can’t even believe they DID THAT
Millie: i mean, think of those album covers
Millie: those FAKE album covers
Millie: where he’s like, looking at giant boobs!
April: FORNUCOPIA
April: i think about that OFTEN
April: fucking FORNUCOPIA
April: and the one with SEXY NURSES
Millie: that is so shitty that i kind of wish i’d thought of it
April: i’m saying! with NEON SIGN FONT
Millie: with his ian astbury look or whatever
April: totally!
Millie: GOD WHY DID HE DO THAT
Millie: it boggles my mind
April: I DON’T KNOW! i mean, I LIKE HIM!
April: i seriously LIKE GARTH BROOKS
April: it sucks he made that crazy mistake in front of the WORLD
April: it’s like his high school literary magazine poetry was released as an ALBUM
April: along with the scribblings he made in his notebooks during class
April: like those were made into a “BEHIND THE MUSIC”
April: not like, “haha laugh at this,” but as LEGIT
Millie: well i just marvel at the arrogance of someone who’s like, “look, i want an alter ego — i’m tired of doing what i’m doing”
Millie: “country isn’t enough”
April: HAHAHAHA
April that’s my new tattoo
Millie: and didn’t it sound like ROBIN THICKE or something
Millie: ?
Millie: like white guy sexy soul?
April: i think so? like honkey R&B?
Millie: but what’s creepy is the sudden interest in Being Sexy
Millie: garth brooks was probably sexy to secretaries already!
April: yeah, he was
Millie: i mean i’m sure someone’s mom was going, I WANT THAT
April: he wore tight jeans that showed off his BUNS
Millie: exactly! like you see that concert footage and he’s wearing that burger king headset, doing MOVES
Millie: women love that shit
Millie: well, like, PEOPLE’S MOMS
April: well, right
Millie: so why the FORUNCOPIA then
Millie: that’s all i’m saying
Millie: it’s creepy!
April: yeah, it’s a weird move for him, because people’s moms already find COWBOYS sexy
April: like i think more moms are into COWBOYS IN TIGHT JEANS than they are barefoot white sexy soul dudes
Millie: see, i think he fucked up
Millie: because he already had a pre-established fan base of moms
Millie: so he took this risk being Sexy Soul Dude
April: well yeah!
Millie: less of an audience
Millie: less potential women thinking you’re sexy
April: but maybe that wasn’t the goal?
Millie: i think he wanted the world
April: sure
April: but i don’t think he wanted the world to think he was SEXY, necessarily
April: just more like trying to conquer to opposite genres
April: like country and whitey sexy soul are pretty much opposites on the genre wheel
Millie: well, i think that he wanted to be sexIER
Millie: meaning, there’s a limit to how sexy you can go in country
April: like “friends in low places” is a FAR CRY from “girl i wanna sex you softly” or whatever
April: i think he was more trying to show RANGE than sexiness
Millie: it’s range, but sexiness is the bonut
Millie: but he could have done it simply red style
Millie: kept it classy
April: right right
April: oh yeah, i am NOT defending it
April: just trying to figure it out
Millie: but clearly as his EARLY FAKE ALBUMS imply
Millie: he was a hornball
April: right
April: wait though
April: i think EARLY FAKE CHRIS GAINES was ROCK & ROLL?
April: like heavy?
April: wasn’t that the deal?
Millie: HAHAHAHA
Millie: i have no idea.
April: he was a ROCKER, then had some ACCIDENT and became, like, the white seal?
Millie: i mean, i’m creeped out that he created this whole FAKE CAREER.
April: i really think that was the deal, dude
Millie: reformed bad boy
Millie: LKSFLKJSDLKJDLKJ
Millie: fucking kill me!
April: like he had a CRAZY CAR ACCIDENT on blow or some shit and then had FACIAL SCARS
April: then had his hair in his face and became SOULFUL
Millie: yeah! and then he got spiritual
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHHHAHA
Millie: what a fucking weirdo!
April: we are FIGURING OUT the FAKE LIFE OF CHRIS GAINES
Millie: i bet there’s an allmusic entry
April: peep it!
Millie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Gaines
Millie: “Christian Gene Gaines was born August 10, 1967 in Brisbane, Australia. His family moved to the Los Angeles area when he was five years old.”
Millie:HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHHAHA okay who wrote that?! do you think G. BROOKS HIMSELF did?
Millie: read how fucking DETAILED that part is
Millie: WHY did they come up with some of that shit?!
Millie: that’s what creeps me out
April: “alter ego for a movie project titled The Lamb by Garth Brooks”
April: ?!?!?!?!
April: did that movie happen?
April: man, i never realized he was supposed to be AUSTRALIAN
April: “As an only child, Chris was expected by many to carry the torch in the Olympic waters.”
April: WHAT?!?!?!?!?! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAA
April: HIS FAKE PARENTS WERE OLYMPIANS
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i mean, WHYYYYY is that a “chris gaines fact”?!
Millie: just the DETAIL man
April: “He did complete his G.E.D. in 1987.”
Millie: it’s so psychotic!
April: “In the winter of 1992, Chris was involved in a violent single-car crash that nearly ended his life. Chris spent six weeks in the hospital and over two years undergoing extensive plastic surgery on his face, shoulder and hands.”
April: TOLD YOU!
Millie: HAHAHAHAH “TOLD YOU”
Millie: TOLD YOU this fake fact was REAL
April: i remember that from “behind the music”!
Millie: you should add:
Millie: “He was made to look like Derek Zoolander.”
April: and then his hair was all in his face & shit! and THEN came the white boy soul! THE WHITE SEAL!
April: then he was singing shit that sounded like “kiss from a rose”!
Millie: i also think he was BAREFOOT in that video
Millie: just an FYI
April: EXACTLY!
April: that’s on some SEAL-TYPE SHIT
Millie: so i guess we now know garth brooks really wanted to be seal.
Millie: what the fuck!
April: what could we add to this? this wikipeedz entry was MADE to be tampered with.
Millie: i feel like everything from the deep recesses of our brain is already IN IT
Millie: his entire fake existence is something we’d think of
Millie: as a joke
Millie: i feel as if we could put ANYTHING in there at this point and people wouldn’t think twice
April: yeah, i bet you are the first person to look at this wikipedia entry since the site started
April: you DUSTED OFF THE COBWEBS
Millie: “actually, chris gaines was NOT a sharpshooter at the state fair”
Millie: Most Least Accessed Site On The Internet
April: HAHAHAHAHA GOOD POINT
Millie: let’s think of some “facts”
April: who is going to be like, “that part sounds outlandish.”
April: “chris gaines didn’t really do that.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines was the former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines refused to eat pita bread for an entire year.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines coined the phrase ‘tenderoni’.”
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA
Millie: THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS
April: seriously. no one would question any of it.
April: but who moderates this? do you think garth brooks himself plays HALL MONITOR for the chris gaines entry?
Millie: or MAYBE you should put “Chris Gaines just announced his new album for 2010 called FORNUCOPIA 2: BONER HARVEST” or something
April: BONER HARVEST
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: the artwork is him serving one of those cornucopias stuffed with BOOBS
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: PLEASE make that in photoshop
Millie: boobs in an 80’s bikini top
Millie: coming out of those wicker cornucopia things
April: right, exactly! like the boobs of ’80s hot chicks that look like moms!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHA david is like, “when are you guys NOT talking about chris gaines?”
April: he has a point.

April: fuckin’ hot dudes, man
April: they have it so fucking easy
April: no one ever dumps them!
Millie: EXACTLY.
Millie: they’ll just act like babies and women will feel bad for them.
April: they just have their pick of the litter and move on to new hot ladies
April: because they’re never getting dumped!
Millie: well. i have to believe they’ll get their comeuppance
Millie: like they’ll die alone in the belly of a whale
Millie: or something
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Millie: okay, i have seen too many real-life zooey deschanels
April: oh no
April: GOD
April: BARFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Millie: dude.
April: I HATE INDIENESS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
April: i swear i want to start wearing BIG JOHNSON T-SHIRTS OR SOME SHIT
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: let’s start wearing CRACKER BARREL UNIFORMS
April: i fucking do!
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: then people will think we’re racists.
April: OR WORSE
April: think we are being IRONIC
April: GOD MAN
April: HARDCORE INDIE PEOPLE CAN SUCK IT!
Millie: well then it has to be RYAN’S STEAKHOUSE
April: i have a LIFE DILEMMA here
April: because i love clothes
April: I LOVE CLOTHES. i love dressing up or whatever
April: BUT
April: i feel like i have to somehow make it clear that i am not into ZOOEY DESCHANEL-ESQUE PRECIOUSNESS
April: you know?
Millie: well yeah, you are in a PICKLE
April: like, “just because i look this way, i’m still gonna fucking listen to LL COOL J and eat steaks” or whatever
Millie: i mean, i think it’s clear from the first TWO SECONDS of meeting you though that you aren’t
Millie: haha
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: hahahaha
April: GOOD. THANK YOU.
Millie: “ll cool j/steaks”
April: i’m just trying to think of things ZOOEY-TYPE GIRLS have never done
Millie: i seriously think we need to change the game
Millie: big johnson t-shirts is great
April: i feel like she has never listened to a single ll cool j song or had one bite of a RIBEYE
Millie: i mean, i really do feel like we need to bring back dr. seuss hats
Millie: just to fucking say FUCK YOU
April: but i’m looking at these dresses these girls wear and i like them! they are great! but i don’t need to wear them with black tights and elf shoes and pose in a rose garden or whatever!
April: GOD!
April: CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE AT LEAST
Millie: ALL COY
April: SO. FUCKING. PRECIOUS.
April: i hate how nothing is sincere now!
April: like you can’t even LEGIT like some shit without everyone constantly thinking you’re BEING IRONIC
April: like somebody was recently laughing about my love of elvis, like, “haha, that’s funny,” like it’s IRONIC, and i was baffled!
April: i mean, it’s ELVIS. like, that’s like ironically liking a DESK or a LAMP or DAN RATHER or something. he just IS. he’s just a PART OF AMERICAN LIFE
April: i hate INDIENESS. i swear i want to date a fucking monster truck driver or something
Millie: [link to a picture of an impossibly cute and precious indie girl]
April: whatever to that girl.
April: i could pick food out of my teeth with her legs.
Millie: she’s fucking zooey d.
Millie: period.
Millie: like they have the same vacant wood nymph stare and everything
April: oh totally
April: here’s my thing: what dude wants to FUCK that though?!
April: i just genuinely do not understand!
April: it’s like wanting to fuck a PORCELAIN DOLL!
Millie: RIGHT?!
Millie: that’s what i was thinking too!!
Millie: i was like “weird, they probably have the weirdest sex life ever”
April: like i know MANY DUDES who have said aloud, “zooey deschanel is my dream girl.”
April: ????!!?!?!!!!!!!
April: when i think of DREAM GIRL, i think TOTAL PACKAGE
Millie: but she’s so PRESERVED
Millie: like museum quality
April: which means smart, funny, all that shit, but also BRINGING IT IN BED
April: which i GUARANTEEEEEE zooey d. don’t do
Millie: well she’s cute and perfect but she’s not sexy?
Millie: like she doesn’t have the look in the eye so devilish
April: RIGHT? EXACTLY!
Millie: like to me, sexy is kind of rough around the edges
Millie: ?
April: EXACTLYYYYYYY
April: at least a LITTLE BIT
Millie: right
Millie: like it’s kind of dark
Millie: and weird
Millie: and not like BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED
April: let’s get serious here: zooey d. gives a shitty blow job.
April: YOU KNOW that is true. you know it!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: well, only because it’s like, too messy for her
April: yes! too messy and she’s worried she won’t look cute doing it
Millie: exactly
Millie: like she’d want to hold hands, bare mins
April: yes! like she gets tense when the dude goes for the fingerblast
Millie: HAHAHA GET TENSE!
April: AM I NOT CORRECT?
Millie: no you are so right
Millie: she wants to have cute sex!
Millie: CUTE SEX!
April: which is IM.POSS.I.BLE
Millie: exactly
Millie: sex is like the equivalent of a hair lip, lazy eye, and brown tooth rolled into one
April: if you’re having cute sex, you’re not doing it right
Millie: it’s not like perfect skin and wide eyes
April: EXACTLY!
Millie: pigeon toed all looking reflective
April: i think zooey-types are, like, never nudes anyway
April: like always wear super huge vintage granny panties or whatever
Millie: hahahaha
Millie: i mean, sex is not cute
Millie: sex is gross
April: seriously. and if you’re concerned about how you look while doing it, it’s going to suck.
Millie: and it’s riddled with problems
Millie: by default
Millie: so like, it CAN’T possibly be cute
Millie: most people have to get DRUNK just to do it
Millie: so whatever
Millie: it’s awkward
Millie: CLOSING THE LOGICAL GAP
April: hahahahahahahahaha
April: exactly. it’s the obvious conclusion to come to.
April: overly cute/precious indie darling = shitty beej
April: FACE FACTS
Millie: yeah but i feel like guys LOVE that though
Millie: they love to defile and filthify the PRECIOUS FLOWER
April: ew GOD
April: that’s horrifying
April: yeah, but i mean, there are plenty of girls in between
April: that aren’t PRECIOUS DOLLS but also aren’t RAGING SLUTS or whatever
Millie: yeah totally. i think most girls we’d associate with are like, the balance between
Millie: like we’re not like total seasoned sea hags
Millie: but we still kind of want it a lot
April: totally!
April: that’s another thing though! zooey-type girls don’t even seem like they WANT IT
April: like since dicks aren’t CUTE, they don’t even want them
Millie: well it’s a kissing game, bottom line
Millie: like it’s childish, like little kids who kissed accidentally

April: how about i like hot pockets
April: like genuinely
Millie: you know what dude?
Millie: i SWEAR to god i’m not being a snob here
Millie: i swear this to you
Millie: but i don’t really like frozen foods?
Millie: like as a genre?
April: right right
April: HAHAHAHA GENRE
Millie: i’m trying to think of exceptions
Millie: okay, i like trader joe’s mac and cheese
Millie: even though it’s ALL CHEESE
Millie: and can easily gross me out
Millie: but it’s usually good
April: right
Millie: otherwise?
April: i think it depends
April: like some shit is cool frozen
April: but OBVS i’m not trying to get, like, frozen surf & turf
Millie: i think frozen waffles are good
Millie: but those are industry standard
Millie: industry standard frozen food that everyone likes
April: HAHAHAHA
April: universally understood: frozen waffles are good
Millie: like i’d rather go to taco bell and have that shit made for me as opposed to frozen
Millie: maybe i just don’t have the patience
April: look, here’s something i realize: i have a very immature palate
April: like i DO like most food
April: most ALL food
April: i’ll go to wendy’s AND eat fancy surf & turf
Millie: well yeah, you don’t discriminate
Millie: a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed
April: but REALLY fancy shit? with crazy ingredients in tiny portions at restaurants that, like, ART GALLERY OWNERS eat at? not into it.
Millie: well yeah — like ARTSY looking food?
Millie: i mean, who has time for that shit
April: shit with like quail eggs and gold flakes and pate or whatever
April: also it’s like $1000 for two bites
Millie: yeah, i’m kind of a chicken-and-rice-in-a-bowl kinda person
Millie: my favorite food is SANDWICHES after all
April: sandwiches are epic
Millie: like remember those toaster strudels that came out?
Millie: i mean, i guess i’m in the middle between gold flake pate and toaster strudels
April: TOASTER STRUDELS ARE FUCKING DELICIOUS MAN
Millie: wait a sec, HERE MY BEEF with that
Millie: i can’t believe THEY make you put the icing on yourself
Millie: you have to ICE your own strudel
Millie: that shit is arrogant
April: HAHA I JUST SPIT VANILLA COKE ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD
April: but here’s MY thing:
April: i don’t see it as arrogant as much as i see it as “we want to make sure your shit is FRESH”
April: like FRESHLY ICED
April: like, “the yahoos at the pop tart factory pre-ice your shit, but it’s a HARD SHELL. we want yours to be SOFT AND FRESH”
April: and it’s a matter of control! YOU CONTROL THE ICING LEVEL!
Millie: well, i trust they have technology to make sure your pre-iced shit is FRESH
Millie: c’mon, we have CELL PHONES
Millie: they can’t make fresh icing?!
April: i don’t think so! not that type!
April: and again, YOU MAKE THE CALL
April: you make the icing call!
April: a little or a lot!
Millie: but see, if i’m making the icing call, i might as well bake the strudel myself
Millie: that’s all i’m saying
Millie: i GO FROZEN to take the guesswork out
Millie: that’s the point!
April: look, i love you, you’re my bff, but you ain’t gonna convince me that there’s a DAMN THING wrong with toaster strudel
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “i love you buddy, but YA BLEW IT.”
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHA
Millie: my thing is that frozen food is for mofos on the go
Millie: that’s the point
Millie: i’m not trying to do any work
April: right
April: BUT
April: icing.
April: icing is never work.
April: in any situation.
Millie: like i almost call into question the fact that frozen waffles aren’t PRE-SYRUPED
Millie: like a mcgriddle
Millie: well that’s subjective though — you like to ice
Millie: that’s fact
Millie: whereas i find it tedious
Millie: i think it’s personality based
April: my only beef with toaster strudel
April: ONLY BEEF
April: and it’s TINY
April: is that they only come with one icing packet per strudel
Millie: EXACTLY. so what if you aren’t satisfied after that initial pack?
Millie: you have to dip into the other shit
April: i will give you that. but that’s all.
Millie: and then eventually you got strudels, no ice
Millie: total bullsh
April: well, it’s just an exercise in self-control for me.
April: i can’t waste the icing on the present strudel, because i have to keep in mind i’ll want it on a new one later
Millie: because see, what i’d do
Millie: i’d make the first three intital strudels the most ICED OUT JAMS ever
Millie: and then i’m fucking throwing away three
Millie: see, again, personality based
Millie: they have to know that
April: WHAT?! i’m saying, toaster strudels are even good WITHOUT ICING
April: UNPRECEDENTED
Millie: they have to know that not EVERYONE is gonna show restraint
Millie: IMPOSSIBLE
April: hahahaha “they should plan for emergencies”
Millie: wait a minute
April: we should be on the marketing board of everything, by the way
Millie: NO ICING, NO STRUDEL
April: people don’t really think through this kind of shit
Millie: seriously
April: could you IMAGINE if we got it so the big shots at the toaster strudel factory included extra icing packets?!
Millie: nobody is going UPSIDE the head when it comes to this shit
April: they would erect statues of us in every major city
Millie: you’ll notice i won’t have a toaster strudel in my hand though
April: uh, yes you would! a HEAVILY ICED one!
Millie: wait a second, let me explain
Millie: i’m talking about WHAT I’D DO if i ate them
Millie: i’m just saying that given the chance, that’s how i’d react
April: oh wait, you don’t want to have to ice yours AT ALL, regardless of the amount they provide?
Millie: the problem at hand is why i DON’T EAT THEM
Millie: it’s a matter of principle
Millie: exactly
April: you’re being kind of ridiculous.
April: WHAT DO YOU WANT, THE WORLD?!
Millie: what?! i’m being REAL
Millie: the inconvenience of icing that shit is why i don’t eat them
April: really?!
April: see, the FRESHNESS and the CONTROL of the icing is why i do!
Millie: and what i’d do if i HAD to is what further drives the nail
April: we’re at a stalemate.
Millie: it’s a cold war

April: black jack taco: delicious
April: taco bell is upping their sauce game
Millie: tell me now…
Millie: is this super hot ?
April: spicy pepper jack sauce is on point
April: naw
April: just right, goldielocks steez
Millie: they should just make you a novelty food tester
Millie: you’re in the wrong business, kid
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: GOD I WISH
April: i would EXCEL at that job
Millie: i feel like that’s a role you were born to play
April: HAHAHAHA
April: where would i go to apply to be a novelty food tester though?
April: to test ALL BRANDS
Millie: well, funnily enough
Millie: i used to work in marketing research, remember
April: oh yeah!
April: but it wouldn’t all be awesome
Millie: and there was ALL KINDS of novel shit going through there
April: like i wouldn’t be testing new taco bell recipes or cool sodas all day
Millie: well, i remember the big thing back when i worked there was that drinkable yogurt
April: there would be times where it would be like, “we need to you taste this new kind of limburger cheese ice cream” or some shit
Millie: that was FRESH ON THE SCENE then
Millie: and i was like “oh my god, i can’t think of anything grosser than drinkable yogurt.”
April: hahahaha
Millie: as if yogurt was HARD to get down in the first place
April: wait, was it in a tube?
April: i’d drink it if it was in a proper drinking receptacle
April: not that squeeze tube shit
Millie: well yeah, it was like a plastic jug
Millie: like a chocolate milk
April: okay, that’s fine then
April: as long as it’s not in a weird TO-GO TUBE or whatever
Millie: but it’s so gross to me!
April: haha
April: i think of it like a smoothie i guess?
Millie: yeah but also, what’s CHALLENGING about yogurt?!
Millie: like “man, we have to make this easier somehow.”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Millie: it’s already KINDA drinkable!
April: i guess HANDS-FREE?
April: NO SPOON REQUIRED
Millie: see the thing is, it was totally geared towards kids
April: oh
April: in that case, i don’t know
Millie: so it was also PURPLE
April: OH DANG
April: that’s weird as hell
Millie: and had dinosaurs on the front
April: hahahahahaha
Millie: maybe that’s why i thought it was so gross?
April: “for your busy playground lifestyle”
Millie: i love how we have to trick kids into being healthy
April: yeah, i’m not into the PURPLE DRANK aspect
Millie: but it’s NOT HEALTHY AT ALL
Millie: “let’s take this carrot, pulverize it, color it yellow, and make it taste like cotton candy”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: you just got yourself a high-ranking job at kraft. congratulations!
April: INGENUITY!
Millie: i’m the don draper of novelty foods
Millie: where as you’d be the neil armstrong
Millie: the DO-ER
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: i seriously want that job.
Millie: but see, okay - the diff is
April: but again, there would be some HARD TIMES
Millie: you like shit that you ALREADY know is bad for you.
April: some rough-ass shit to taste
April: it ain’t all gonna be electric-cherry slurpees
Millie: you’re not like, “can’t wait to taste the new cherry cola flavored broccoli!”
Millie: like you’re not a fool.
April: well, right
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: i like o.g. broccoli
Millie: exactly
April: IN ADDITION TO taco bell constantly
April: i’m well-rounded.
April: hahahahahaha
Millie: but you ALSO like donut-flavored milkshakes
Millie: hahahaha
April: HAHAHA
April: like i’ll wash down lima beans with orange creamsicle frozee treetz
April: or whatever
Millie: right. you’re not fooling yourself, which i admire.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “admire”
Millie: i mean, someone i know has to be testing all this shit out
Millie: i think i could really get you a job testing foods though
April: that would rule
Millie: but like you said, there would be HARD TIMES
April: i’d really like it if it were to focus on soda and/or candy though
Millie: hahahaha and TACOS
Millie: well, thankfully there’s a lot of that going on
April: HAHAHA “thankfully”
Millie: like flavored cheese-its that are TWISTS instead of squares
Millie: shit like that
April: i’m into that!
Millie: but then there’s like, other shit
Millie: like we did something on clamato once, which i KNOW you’ll hate
April: OH GOD
April: okay, yeah, some of them i’d have to sit out
Millie: yeah but i think you’d be employed for the most part
Millie: it’s a good thing that vegetables don’t have to be marketed
Millie: like they just exist
April: hahahahaha
April: well, they kind of do?
April: like sometimes they are sold pre-packaged and cut up or whatever, so kids will think they are “fun”
Millie: well yeah - that’s what i mean
April: like packaged with ranch dressing and called “X-TREEM DIPPERZ!” or whatever
Millie: but like an ear of corn doesn’t have a marketing campaign necessarily
Millie: but like the EXTREME COOL KIDZ version of it would
April: right
April: but i feel like in this day & age it has to be?
April: like the commercial almost has to be like, “we know this isn’t pizza, but it’s COOL ANYWAY! PLEASE EAT IT!!!!!”
Millie: i’m just saying there’s not people sitting watching an unfinished commercial about ARUGULA or something
April: right right
Millie: well you know, it’s like in that “in defense of food” book
Millie: where like once they deemed eggs as bad for you, the EGG dudes went on a PR spree
April: right
Millie: or like when they had those commercials about how sugar “when used in moderation” is part of a healthy diet
April: haha “the egg dudes”
April: i love that that’s for real
Millie: EGG DUDES make the call
April: that there’s actually an EGG BOARD and CORN BOARD and shit
Millie: right!!
Millie: i sit on the Egg Board
Millie: Potato Council
April: hahahaha
April: Celery Legislature
Millie: I CALL THIS MEETING TO ORDER
April: hahaha