New Perspective On Shit

Millie: i am listening to roxette
April: HAHAHA! “OF NOTE: roxette”
April: like, all the jams?
April: even deep cuts?
Millie: i mean.
Millie: a few deep cuts.
Millie: i might be ready to say this
Millie: but i don’t think there is any other band in history who has written more “pick me up in a convertible and drive me to the mall” songs
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: i love that as a GENRE
April: i guess i kind of can’t separate them from ‘pretty woman”
Millie: yeah, i understand
April: so i associate their love songs with “reforming my hooker into a woman i can love”
Millie: you know what’s hilarious though
Millie: think about this — if a band came out today and named
themselves ROXETTE, we would tool on them so hard
Millie: like, america would. or the internet
April: oh absolutely
April: people would think it was a joke
Millie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCorJG9mubk
Millie: i love how they both look like they would be on an episode of tabitha’s salon takeover
April: HAHAHAHAHHA
April: okay
April: okay
April: gear shift
April: WHO is that woman?
April: WHO is that puerto rican girl talking to james?
April: like, WHY is she qualified to TAKE OVER stuff??
April: i’m serious
April: what’s her BACKGROUND?
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: did she get a degree in Fixing Businesses?
April: that’s what i’m saying!
April: every time i see a commercial for that i wonder
April: because you know what? i can march up in some business and yell at people. i can do that.
April: because i saw a commercial the other night, and she’s expanded?
April: like she’s not just taking over salons now?
Millie: right. she’s doing like gas stations and shit now
April: hahaha gas stations
Millie: HAHAHAHA i just laughed at the thought of that
April: but from all the commercials i see, it really just looks like her YELLING AT PEOPLE
April: like that’s the show
April: her coming in and just going, “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER”
Millie: her walking into a gas station and telling some guy GIVE ME YOUR KEYS, I’M TAKING OVER
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: “this place is a mess”
April: and then, like, painting it neon or whatever
April: and putting couches in
Millie: “you’ve got these slim jims next to these garfield zippos here. why.”
April: HAHAHAHAHA and being SUPER ANGRY about it
Millie: i can’t stop laughing at the thought of her taking over a gas station
Millie: “putting couches in”
April: “what are your customers supposed to think when the rolling hot dog rotator cuff things are right next to the slurpee machine? it’s mixing cold and hot and it’s unprofessional.”
Millie: “you’ve got customers coming in and they haven’t been offered a frozen burrito. what kind of customer service is that?
April: hahahahahahahahaha
April: “i don’t see a give-a-penny, take-a-penny dish here! you call yourself a manager?”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i’m crying!
April: hahahaha me too
April: just the idea of her mean ass screaming at people at a gas station
Millie: and like this 75-year-old man is just going, “uh, i guess he don’t know how to manage”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: and the customers coming in and being like, “i just need some gas?”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: like they walk in and it’s all neon with techno music playing
Millie: COUCHES
Millie: i can’t get over that shit
Millie: it’s all fake mod ikea looking
April: totally
April: and then people like my dad come in like, “i just need gas for my truck? and some smokes?”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: those are their “clients”
Millie: “i’ve canceled all your appointments for the week”
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHA

Millie: can i talk to you about “get me bodied” for a second?
April: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
April: yes.
Millie: okay look
Millie: i might really feel this
April: i’m going to listen to it as we chat
Millie: this song and video is basically like, the most mindblowing thing made in like 50 years
Millie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RioOJ7dZxuw
Millie: just like the whole thing w/ the different dances?
Millie: WHO. THOUGHT OF THAT.
Millie: and then they FILMED THE EXAMPLES in the video
April: listen. i think beyonce is fucking incredible
Millie: i do too man.
April: like, on every level.
Millie: same here!
April: like beauty, singing, dancing, the whole nine
Millie: here’s the thing — everything she fucking says becomes a thing.
Millie: like what the fuck is “get me bodied”
April: she is straight-up the black madonna
Millie: and now it’s a thing to say
April: like got the clout of madonna in the ’80s
Millie: i think she’s BETTER than madonna
April: oh totally
April: but i’m just saying, power-wise
Millie: oh yeah
Millie: like her songs are way more creative than madonna
April: oh absolutely
April: but she’s got the clout and the trendsetting ability of madonna in the ’80s
Millie: like a “freakum dress”
April: yep.
Millie: i didn’t know a term for that
Millie: and now i do.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: that’s power!
April: add it to the dictionary, merriam-webster!
April: she’s one of those people who were just born to do it
Millie: think about it - “what’s that dress you have that’s like that dress you wear when you wanna look hot and slutty”
Millie: “a freakum dress”
Millie: “PERFECT.”
April: yep.
April: GOD this song is a jam.
April: i would hang out with beyonce every day.
Millie: it may sound dramatic but this song gives me chills
Millie: it’s just so insane
Millie: like, who the fuck thinks of this
April: no way, i totally get that shit
Millie: and like, little girls are like “pat your weaves ladies”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: she fucking rules
April: i know it got kind of hated on as a single, but i LOVE that “run the world (girls)” song
Millie: i like beyonce b/c her songs are like, “go out with your girlfriends and dance with your slutty dresses”
April: OH TOTALLY
April: like NOT APOLOGIZING for that shit
Millie: like that’s awesome
April: OWNING IT
Millie: but it’s like “hang out with your friends, fuck it”
Millie: i mean, who the fuck thinks of “do the naomi campbell walk”
April: SNAP FOR THE KIDS
Millie: and now we’re like OF COURSE THAT’S A THING
Millie: i just can’t believe this song.
Millie: i can’t believe it exists
April: dude, i feel you
April: for real
April: like i just love how she just OWNS SHIT
Millie: and to say some shit like “9-4-8-1 B DAY”
Millie: that takes some balls
April: like, “yeah, ‘get me bodied.’ i’m singing that.”
April: i’m watching “freakum dress” now
Millie: and that phrase “get me bodied” - the fuck does it mean but it’s like, i’ll say that shit all the time
Millie: i want that power
April: i thought it meant, like, do me?
Millie: do me right?
Millie: well yeah, but i’d NEVER heard that term in my life before this song
April: well yeah
Millie: before i was like “i’ll do me”
Millie: or just “i’ll take care of myself”
April: i mean, i don’t even know if i’m right, but that’s what i guessed it meant?
Millie: HAHAHA
Millie: but now i’m like throwing “get me bodied” in normal conversation, like it was always a thing to say
Millie: i want that kind of power!
April: dude “freakum dress” rules
April: “every woman got one”
April: beyonce is like that girl you know who is SUPER HOT but you can’t even hate because she’s so rad
April: like women aren’t even jealous of her because she’s cool as fuck
April: truth to power: “ladies, when you’ve been with your man for a long time, every now and then you got to go to the back of the closet and pull out that freakum dress”
Millie: GOD.
Millie: i mean, we’re all hypnotized by her
Millie: it’s unbelievable
Millie: yeah she’s totally the best girl in your high school
Millie: and you knew her when she was a spaz in middle school and she still talks to you and shit
April: yep
April: like everyone thinks she’s so beautiful but she’s still cool and didn’t get cocky and mean
Millie: yeah, and she still hangs out with her mom
April: totally
Millie: i love how she’s super fun - i think that’s what gets me about her
Millie: like lady gaga is just dramatic and sex all the time
April: shit, what’s that song where she’s dressed like the 1940s?
Millie: but beyonce is super fun and sang a song called “bootylicious” not completely serious all the time
Millie: oh wait - i forgot
April: shit!
April: is it “ego”?
April: whoa this video man. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbnPkK76Ask&ob=av2e
April: who is fucking hotter than this bitch? no one.
Millie: exactly!!
Millie: okay, this song rules (destiny’s child but same diff): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqeIiF0DlTg&ob=av2e
Millie: i forgot !!!
April: oh totally
April: this is a fucking JAMMMMMMM
April: marching band drummer!
April: also i love Fancy Destiny’s Child vs. Street Destiny’s Child
Millie: HAHAHAHA as a theme that’s one of my favorites
Millie: it’s so “big business”
Millie: yeah that song and “bootylicious”
Millie: i mean - THAT SONG IS INSANE
Millie: using that stevie nicks riff as a sample? get the fuckouttaherewiththatshit
April: right?
April: dude, i LOVE the beat of “lose my breath”
April: it’s so breakneck
Millie: me too! marching band drums are the best.
April: totally!
April: and NO SHIT HERE
April: i think this is one of the best songs of the last 10 years: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlxByc0-V40
Millie: THIS SONG.
April: dude.
April: i’m obsessed.
April: i swear to you that i listen to this at least once a day.
Millie: god i love this fake desert they’re dancing in.
April: hahahahaha
Millie: and that fucking robot suit
April: and then she’s a SEXY ROBOT at the end!
April: haha yes!
Millie: that thing she does when she sings “my guilty pleasure i ain’t going nowhere”
April: DUDE. THAT DANCE.
April: she BREAKS IT ON DOWN
Millie: that is fucking crazy.
Millie: SEX AGGRESSION
April: i would never be able to do that dance even with 8,000 hours of practice
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: my brain can’t even go there.
Millie: like even if i was locked in a closet for 20 years and rendered immobile, i couldn’t come out the gate doing that
April: hahahahaha
April: i also love this joint: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EwViQxSJJQ&NR=1
April: YOU MUST NOT KNOW ‘BOUT ME
Millie: oh yeah, this is a great break up jam
Millie: “i can have another you by tomorrow”
April: i love thinking of her taking her friend out after she got dumped and being like, “yo, forget that fool”
Millie: YES!!!!!
Millie: i love her songs b/c of that - it’s totally like, going out w/ your girlfriends music
Millie: so fun
April: totally
April: and not in an annoying way
April: like i really feel like i would hang out with her all the time
Millie: yeah god, i know i would

Millie: PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM TOOK ME KNEE HIGH TO A MAN
April: dude
April: i did karaoke at this place the other night that had ZERO elton john in the book
April: i was like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS. BURN THIS PLACE DOWN.
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: it was seriously FUCKED UP
Millie: yeah that’s a no brainer
Millie: also,i kind of can’t believe how many jams elton john had
April: oh man
April: no shit right?
Millie: i know we talk about this every six months
Millie: but seriously
April: oh no, it needs to be continually addressed
April: because i have an elton john awakening every so often
April: just yesterday “this train don’t stop there anymore” came on random
April: and i was like, “this is a later jam and he STILL HAS IT”
Millie: oh yeah
Millie: i’ve sat here and listened to “philadelphia freedom” like 9 times today
April: hahahaha
Millie: i don’t give a shit
April: dude, i even like his ’80s shit
April: like “too low for zero”
April: i’m all over it
Millie: yeah, even “the bitch is back”
April: yep.
Millie: it’s like — i don’t care how gay
April: and you KNOW how i feel about “the club at the end of the street”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA exactly!
April: i will stand by that shit forever
April: i don’t care who’s asking, i co-sign that jam for life
Millie: and like “honky cat” - WHY IS THAT THE BEST
April: HOLY SHIT HONKY CAT
April: i love how he is a BIG ENGLISH WHITE NERD and can get FUNKY AS ALL HELL
Millie: every time i hear that i want to be sitting on the edge of a piano
Millie: with like, shelley duvall and bernadette peters
Millie: with platform boots on
Millie: something super ‘70s
Millie: and showtunes-y
April: oh totally
April: ELECTRIC BOOTS, A MOHAIR SUIT
April: did you ever work at tower when he came in to shop?
April: he was cool as shit
Millie: about those HI CLASS LAYDAYS down in NEW ORLEEEENS
Millie: i never saw him there!
April: i worked a couple tuesdays where we opened early for him to get the new releases
April: he was cool as hell
April: signed shit for people
Millie: that is awesome
Millie: !!!
Millie: get back, honky cat
Millie: who the fuck thought of that
Millie: a GENIUS
April: see, i’ve had arguments with people before because they are like, “he sucks because he doesn’t write his lyrics”
April: but i’m like, WHO CARES
April: he knows his strengths
Millie: who’s that dude who wrote the songs
April: if you can write SICK JAMS, then go ahead and farm the lyrics out
Millie: OH MY GOD i almost just typed “bernie madoff”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
April: elton john/bernie madoff
April: songwriting duo
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Millie: his name was bernie though right?!
April: bernie taupin
April: dude, know what jam kills me every time?
April: fuckin’ LEVON, man
April: i sing that shit at the top o’ my lungs
Millie: now i’m reading about bernie taupin
Millie: dude these EJ ‘70s songs are fucking space jams
Millie: i love this shit
Millie: it’s like laser light show shit
Millie: fucking “rocket man”
Millie: SMOOTH
April: dude, the one-two punch of “funeral for a friend/love lies bleeding”
April: his voice is just rad
Millie: halloween costume: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X23v5_K7cXk
April: YOU KNOW THIS IS MY SHIT
April: #1 KARAOKE CHOICE OF APRIL RICHARDSON
April: i would totally dress like this for halloween
April: with the fucking “step right up!” state fair hat
April: GOD I LOVE THIS SONG
April: oh man, i haven’t peeped this video in a MINUTE
April: hahaha the “only some things are in color” FX
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i love how he’s healing all the street rat children
April: HE IS
April: WITH HIS SMOOTH SOUNDS
Millie: “THEY REACH INTO YOUR ROOM everyone!”
April: okay, the performance outfit is a total “step right up and win a giant stuffed animal” uniform from the fair
Millie: there’s a red AND blue state fair outfit!
April: HAHAHAHA YES!
April: he’s also PLAYING A HOBO in this
Millie: oh my god - why did everyone want to play hobos in ‘80s videos
Millie: everyone is dancing around him
Millie: this is CRAZY!
April: i want to live on this street.
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: have my window open and the smooth sounds of elton john wafting in
Millie: this street seems like the one that’s next to one in janet jackson’s “when i think of you”
Millie: or maybe it’s the same street?!
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: also, #1 sign hobos hang out here: constantly burning trash can fires
Millie: and maybe the one in “all night long” by lionel richie
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: all these people come to these streets to change things
April: RETURN OF THE STATE FAIR UNIFORM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6KYAVn8ons
Millie: “get elton john down to this street”
Millie: okay listen.
April: he loves that hat
Millie: this song seriously makes me sad.
April: ME TOO DUDE
April: like it MAKES ME EMOTIONAL
Millie: i don’t know if it’s because i’ve finally lived enough life where this song MEANS SOMETHING now
April: yeah, like I GET IT NOW
April: i’ve had some failed relationships
Millie: OH NO, DOO WOP DANCE
Millie: i’m already crying
April: i don’t know why he favors the state fair ticket-taker hat, though
April: i forgot that was his go-to look for a while
Millie: HAHAHAHA totally was
Millie: oh man, this is making me super sad
April: another trend of ’80s videos: “remember how great the ’50s were?”
Millie: RIGHT?!
Millie: now that i know this guy went to the war
April: that shit ran RAMPANT
April: elton john is another dude i just want to HANG with
Millie: okay seriously
Millie: what is more romantic than: “live for each second, without hesitation, and never forget i’m your man”
Millie: CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
April: basically.
April: JOHN/TAUPIN 2012
Millie: i haven’t seen this video ever!
April: LET’S VOTE
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: now i’m like “oh shit, soda shop war video”
Millie: can this song be any sadder?!
April: let’s change it up and feel EMPOWERED: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHwVBirqD2s
April: reppin’ a safari hat in this one
April: before going back to the state fair
Millie: holy shit.
Millie: this might be the best video ever made.
Millie: i mean, THE FUCK is going on
Millie: there’s people everywhere in high cut underwear
Millie: and he looks like someone’s DAD in a safari hat and tuxedo jacket
April: oh totally
April: even the dudes are in MOM BIKINIS
April: like, with ’80s mom tall ass
April: DUDE I LOVE ELTON JOHN
April: FOREVER AND EVER AMEN
Millie: AND YOU CAN TELL ERRRYBODY THIS IS YOUR SONG
April: WE CAN ALL JUST PRETEND “THE LION KING” DIDN’T HAPPEN
Millie: dude i can’t stop
April: SOMEONE SAVED MY LIFE TONIGHT
April: come on now
Millie: dude.
Millie: that song is the most epic of epic
April: i’m saying.
April: it’s like on an OPERA scale
Millie: when he’s like DAMMIT, LISTEN TO ME GOOD
Millie: i’m like “holy fuck, this is serious.”
April: “he means biz.”
Millie: this is not a joke, people
April: yo, remember when J. TIMBERLAKE played him? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsuHAn54wPs&ob=av2n
Millie: YES!!!!!!!
April: i fucking love this video.
April: i seriously want to be E.J. for halloween now
April: like this era
April: platforms and nutty glasses and shit
Millie: YES YES YES YES
April: or that fucking bedazzled dodgers uniform
Millie: ME TOO!!!!
April: from when he played dodger stadium
April: look, my lifetime halloween goal has been to dress as prince as half batman/half joker from the “batdance” video
April: but that is out of my range financially
April: so i might go with ’70s EJ
Millie: dude you gotta find someone crafty
Millie: that’s the only way
April: let’s both go as elton john for halloween
April: rep that shit coast to coast
Millie: OMG THAT WOULD BE THE BEST
Millie: we should do coast-to-coast elton
Millie: so i guess it’s like, a sgt pepper’s costume with like, carnival dude stuff
April: i seriously want to
April: i’m just trying to figure out the balding thing?
April: if i’m going to be ’70s elton
Millie: i should be ‘80s
Millie: it’s like, a cruise bartender’s jacket
April: hahahahahahahahahahahaha
April: but it has to have TAILS
Millie: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ERcyYzWYWLw/TI7J6HuHAaI/AAAAAAAAF4U/x-6vxzP1IBs/s1600/ScreenHunter_34+Sep.+13+21.50.jpg
Millie: ribbon tie
Millie: brooch
April: BROOCH
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: huge hoop earring
Millie: HUGE
April: how much do you think an entirely bedazzled dodger uniform will cost me? http://www.photographersgallery.com/i/full/elton_dodger_stad2.jpg
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Millie: a trillion dollars
Millie: but you could totally wear it again
April: hahahahahahahaha
April: yeah, it’s not like a bridesmaids dress
April: you’ll actually wear it again
Millie: HAHAHHAHA
Millie: exactly
Millie: there’s this option: http://www.tvornottv.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/sir-elton-john.jpg
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: yeah, you can get those in every store

April: OH! you know what i heard the other day for the first time in a million years? that fucking clay aiken “invisible” song
April: aka MOST RAPIST ANTHEM EVER
Millie: wait, i don’t remember that one! let me look it up
April: i really forgot how FUCKING CREEPY the lyrics are!
Millie: oh YEAH!!!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: all these people on the street are like “alright!”
Millie: “i would just watch YOU in your room, whoo hoo!”
April: IF I WAS INVISIBLE I COULD JUST WATCH YOU IN YOUR ROOM
April: that is INSANE
Millie: HAHAHAHA
Millie: wait, what’s the other big rape anthem
Millie: we talk about it a lot
April: HAHAHAHHAA
April: jordan knight “give it to you”?
Millie: SHIT! that’s right. how did i forget?
Millie: aaaand, i’m going to watch that video 39 times
April: hahahaha of course
April: i feel bad thinking jordan’s is such a jam because it really is so overtly rape-y
April: but i think the clay aiks is MORE rapey!
April: like it really spells it out
Millie: hahahaha
April: “my goal in life is to be invisible so i can follow/watch you at all times”
April: PSYCHOS SAY THAT
Millie: clay aiken is like THIS IS HAPPENING
Millie: whereas jordan knight is less obvs
April: i’m going to actually peep the clay aiks shit, hold up
April: oh my GOD this guy is so gross
April: UGH HIS VOICE
Millie: yeah and dudes want to BE him
April: this song is MAD CORNY
April: like a CORNY RAPE ANTHEM
April: i can’t believe they gave this butt-ass song a “where the streets have no name”-type video
April: like people CLAMORING on the streets to see his lame ass play
April: i love the idea of people bailing out of work and saying, “fuck you, boss! i’m going to see clay aiken play in the street right now!”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “go ahead, this is important.”
April: hahahaha
Millie: yeah, this song is a call to arms
Millie: people are like FUCK, WE GOTTA GO OUTSIDE
April: LOOK AT HIS LATEST ALBUM!
April: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Clay-aiken-tried-and-true-cover-art.jpg
April: he looks like pete campbell!
Millie: OH MY GOD!
Millie: he totally does!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: total creepy slickster!
Millie: god he is THEE GAYEST
Millie: gets NO gayer
April: right?! i used to LOVE reading clay aiken fan sites with obsessed girls talking about him
April: i remember seeing a girl with a homemade shirt that said CLAY AIKEN SHAKES MY OVARIES A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS
April: that image has stuck with me
Millie: LOLOL OHKAY!!!!
Millie: that is disturbing!
April: it was PUFFY PAINT and shit
Millie: we shoulda shown up w/ t-shirts that were like “Actually, He Hates Ovaries”
April: http://fastcache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/1/2008/05/aiken-ovaries.jpg
Millie: is that someone’s MOM?
Millie: how depressing
April: hahaha PROBABLY
April: when he was famous, i was obsessed for a minute with clueless southern moms who wanted to DO him
April: reading shit they wrote about him on the internet
Millie: HAHAHA god of course - it’s the creepiest subculture EVER
April: i still just can’t believe that “if i was invisible, i would just watch you in your room” is the chorus to pop song
April: that is seriously like someone in the charts singing, “if i was invisible, i would just follow you into a dark alley” or something
April: from his wikipedia: “No one is quite sure where the term “Claymates” originated, but Aiken has trademarked the term.”
April: “Aiken talked with Jann Carl of Entertainment Tonight about the names various sub-groups have given themselves: “Claysians” (Asian fans), “Claynadians” (Canadian fans), “Clayropeans” (European fans) and “Claydawgs” (male fans).”
April: CLAYSIANS
April: also CLAYROPEANS is a stretch. come on.
Millie: I AM NOT A CLAYSIAN
Millie: HAHAHAHA clayropeans
Millie: that is a fucking stretch
Millie: CLOUTH CLAYERMICANS
Millie: CLAFRICANS
April: yeah, they are really reaching
April: CLAYXICANS
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: CLAYMISH
Millie: (that’s supposed to be amish clay aiken fans)
April: hahahahaha
April: it is SO WEIRD to me! everything about this song!
April: “why can’t i breathe you into my life” is a lyric
April: serial killers love this jam
April: OH MY GOD WATCH THIS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYEK9pVJcjo&NR=1
April: NICE LOOK
April: WHAT IS THAT HAIR
Millie: OKAY.
Millie: he looks crazy.
Millie: straight up crazy.
April: pretty sure he’s wearing eyeshadow too
Millie: that sweater is a mom’s sweater from like, the express
April: hahahaha i was just about to say that! WORKING WOMAN’S SWEATER
Millie: HE LOOKS NUTS!
April: i cannot believe the hair
April: he belongs on the target=“_blank”>meg ryan site
April: also, only 900 people have watched this
April: FALLING OFF
April: UGH GROSS
April: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKqnXzYPU-E&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Millie: HE IS SO UNBELIEVABLY GROSS
Millie: and TRIES TO GIVE A SEXY LOOK
April: FOR SERIOUS
April: HAHAHAHA YES!
April: KING OF SLIMY
Millie: isn’t that the ORIGIN of the “sexy look”? like when we first came up with it
April: hahaha, naw
April: it was the FREE CREDIT REPORT BAND GUY
April: you were like, “he tries to give a sexy look”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA
Millie: YES FOREVER
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i can’t believe how clay transformed into slimy pete campbell
April: he’s also secretly fat
April: you know he’s got a dumpy butt
Millie: GOD and he sings like shit!
April: it sounds like a little kid singing!
Millie: i hate how he’s like trying this RING A DING DING persona
April: like when a kid sings well for a kid, and you’re like, WOW! GOOD JOB!, but it’s only a good job for a 5-year-old
Millie: “let’s put this retro telephone in front of him”
April: i can’t believe i have watched more clay aiken footage this morning than i have in the whole of my life
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA me too!
April: keep this in mind: MANY WOMEN WANTED TO DO HIM
April: like, even if you thought he was “cute,” there is still something so aggressively NOT SEXUAL about him
April: like he’s got a ken doll crotch

April: YOU DERE?
Millie: yeah i’m here!
April: i was coming to tell you about how i think about the terribleness of platform flip-flops at least once a day.
Millie: HAHAHAHA
April: like, it weighs heavy on my mind
Millie: i’m really surprised that nobody thinks high-heeled tennis shoes are awful
April: i mean, they are
April: of course they are
April: but platform flip-flops are just an atrocity on another level for me
April: i feel like mary j. blige wore high-heeled sneakers once, so they get a pass
Millie: WHAT.
Millie: http://theshoegoddess.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/Ash—-shell-satin-high-heel-sneakers-130-shop.jpg
Millie: these are egregious !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: platform flip-flops are an attempt to make the least glamorous thing ever into something glamorous
April: like, people wear flip-flops into nasty gym showers to not get athlete’s foot or whatever
April: and now you’re trying to make that footwear CUTE?
April: but please know that i think high-heeled sneakers are atrocious
Millie: okay, see here’s my thing —
Millie: sneakers are inherently the OPPOSITE of high heels
April: OBVS
Millie: and i think it’s fucked that you think you can have the best of both worlds
Millie: i mean, i’ve seen high heeled TEVAS recently
Millie: that is FUCKED!
April: but see, i think platform flip-flops are that attitude times a BILLION!
April: like taking THE MOST CASUAL NOT-AT-ALL-CARING-ABOUT-YOUR-APPEARANCE footwear and adding a PLATFORM?! Like you’re gonna wear those FLIP-FLOPS in the CLUB?!
April: i feel the same about, like, BEDAZZLED and SEQUINED flip-flops
Millie: but okay, if i was in a skanky-ass shower, i might actually WANT platform flip-flops
Millie: keeps me further from the bottom of a gross-ass public shower
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: FUNCTION OVER FASHION
April: yeah, but they’re supposed to be platforms, not STITLS
Millie: it’s like, “okay, i can get these wet and i’m FAR AWAY from that skanky fuckin drain”
April: like, i’ve seen britney spears wearing PLATFORM WEDGE FLIP-FLOPS
April: THE MOST TERRIBLE FOOTWEAR EVER
Millie: i guess i just think high-heeled sneakers look STUPIDER
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHA
April: they’re definitely dumb as hell
April: of course
Millie: i mean look at this
http://media.kval.com/images/101202_hiking_shoes_405.jpg
Millie: WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT
April: but i guess i also appreciate that i don’t have to see someone’s TOE RING with those
April: HOLY FUCK
April: HIGH-HEELED TEVAS.
April: WITH SOCKS TOO.
Millie: all i see is someone’s high maintenance tila tequila girlfriend going hiking with her woodsy boyfriend
April: i think you could get away with murder in a court of law if you killed someone wearing those.
April: i think the judge would be like, “i see where you were coming from.”
April: well, you know how i feel about bare feet
April: so i am biased
April: as FUCKING STUPID AND UGLY as high-heeled sneakers are, AT LEAST i am not seeing bare-ass feet and toe rings
Millie: well technically, you could rock a toe ring with teva high heels
April: yeah, i think FANCY TEVAS (!?!?!?!!!!!) are in the same category as platform flip-flops
Millie: with a tribal ankle tattoo, it would truly be the triumvirate of gross shit
April: but i am telling you right now, as God is my witness, not a day goes by that i don’t think for a minute about how much i hate platform flip-flops.
Millie: i believe you. i don’t know why i hate them less than high heel sneakers
Millie: i mean, both are terrible
Millie: but for some reason i think they’re worse
April: hahahaha, i love that we are at a stalemate with this
April: but i absolutely see where you’re coming from
Millie: maybe i’m just desensitized because of florida or something
April: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i’m still outraged though
April: yeah, i and i know my gross bare feet bias is getting the way
Millie: it’s like i see high-heeled sneakers and think of a redneck lady out on a date
April: HAHAHAHA
April: okay see, i think that about platform flip-flops!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
April: i see high-heeled sneakers and think mary j. blige
April: like “real love” video mary j. blige
Millie: okay, so both evoke images of redneck ladies out on dates
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: both, to me, are a shitty idea of “fancy”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA okay
Millie: our podcast is called A Shitty Idea of Fancy
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: but you know! “i’ll stick a platform or heel on this everyday thing i already wear and BOOM! now it’s FANCY for DATE TIME!”
Millie: absolutely. see i believe in the separation of church and state
Millie: you have a fancy shoe and then a fuckaround shoe
April: YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: “keep ‘em separated.” - the offspring
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
April: QUOTING THEM
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: “like the offspring once said, ‘keep ‘em separated.’“
Millie: robert frost, oscar wilde, the offspring, sylvia plath