April: “The Coral Reefer Band is the touring and recording band of American popular music singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffett. Originally it was a fictional band consisting of the imaginary members Marvin Gardens, Kay Pasa, Al Vacado and Kitty Litter.”
April: AL VACADO
April: Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band perform during their Summerzcool Tour in June 2009.
Millie: that entire thing just made me sick
April: dude. AL VACADO
April: how much of a STRETCH is that?!
Millie: that’s at least the GAYEST stretch
April: also, how ROCK-AFIRE EXPLOSION is that? a FICTIONAL BAND OF IMAGINARY MEMBERS?! backing up JIMMY BUFFETT’S GROWN ASS?
April: he’s like 60! with this fakey band?!
Millie: this is like chris gaines all over again.
April: it’s like chris gaines on 10!
Millie: chris gaines was the CREEPIEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN
Millie: didn’t anybody realize that?!
April: i think garth brooks spent the years after that trying to sweep it under the rug
April: like he did some “eternal sunshine” shit on AMERICA to rid them of the memory
Millie: HOW QUICKLY the public forgot
Millie: i’ll tell you i didn’t
Millie: i never will!
April: hahaha i know! it’s like BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
April: i love how we viewed that fake “behind the music” with a CRITICAL EYE
Millie: i can’t even believe they DID THAT
Millie: i mean, think of those album covers
Millie: those FAKE album covers
Millie: where he’s like, looking at giant boobs!
April: i think about that OFTEN
April: fucking FORNUCOPIA
April: and the one with SEXY NURSES
Millie: that is so shitty that i kind of wish i’d thought of it
April: i’m saying! with NEON SIGN FONT
Millie: with his ian astbury look or whatever
Millie: GOD WHY DID HE DO THAT
Millie: it boggles my mind
April: I DON’T KNOW! i mean, I LIKE HIM!
April: i seriously LIKE GARTH BROOKS
April: it sucks he made that crazy mistake in front of the WORLD
April: it’s like his high school literary magazine poetry was released as an ALBUM
April: along with the scribblings he made in his notebooks during class
April: like those were made into a “BEHIND THE MUSIC”
April: not like, “haha laugh at this,” but as LEGIT
Millie: well i just marvel at the arrogance of someone who’s like, “look, i want an alter ego — i’m tired of doing what i’m doing”
Millie: “country isn’t enough”
April that’s my new tattoo
Millie: and didn’t it sound like ROBIN THICKE or something
Millie: like white guy sexy soul?
April: i think so? like honkey R&B?
Millie: but what’s creepy is the sudden interest in Being Sexy
Millie: garth brooks was probably sexy to secretaries already!
April: yeah, he was
Millie: i mean i’m sure someone’s mom was going, I WANT THAT
April: he wore tight jeans that showed off his BUNS
Millie: exactly! like you see that concert footage and he’s wearing that burger king headset, doing MOVES
Millie: women love that shit
Millie: well, like, PEOPLE’S MOMS
April: well, right
Millie: so why the FORUNCOPIA then
Millie: that’s all i’m saying
Millie: it’s creepy!
April: yeah, it’s a weird move for him, because people’s moms already find COWBOYS sexy
April: like i think more moms are into COWBOYS IN TIGHT JEANS than they are barefoot white sexy soul dudes
Millie: see, i think he fucked up
Millie: because he already had a pre-established fan base of moms
Millie: so he took this risk being Sexy Soul Dude
April: well yeah!
Millie: less of an audience
Millie: less potential women thinking you’re sexy
April: but maybe that wasn’t the goal?
Millie: i think he wanted the world
April: but i don’t think he wanted the world to think he was SEXY, necessarily
April: just more like trying to conquer to opposite genres
April: like country and whitey sexy soul are pretty much opposites on the genre wheel
Millie: well, i think that he wanted to be sexIER
Millie: meaning, there’s a limit to how sexy you can go in country
April: like “friends in low places” is a FAR CRY from “girl i wanna sex you softly” or whatever
April: i think he was more trying to show RANGE than sexiness
Millie: it’s range, but sexiness is the bonut
Millie: but he could have done it simply red style
Millie: kept it classy
April: right right
April: oh yeah, i am NOT defending it
April: just trying to figure it out
Millie: but clearly as his EARLY FAKE ALBUMS imply
Millie: he was a hornball
April: wait though
April: i think EARLY FAKE CHRIS GAINES was ROCK & ROLL?
April: like heavy?
April: wasn’t that the deal?
Millie: i have no idea.
April: he was a ROCKER, then had some ACCIDENT and became, like, the white seal?
Millie: i mean, i’m creeped out that he created this whole FAKE CAREER.
April: i really think that was the deal, dude
Millie: reformed bad boy
Millie: fucking kill me!
April: like he had a CRAZY CAR ACCIDENT on blow or some shit and then had FACIAL SCARS
April: then had his hair in his face and became SOULFUL
Millie: yeah! and then he got spiritual
Millie: what a fucking weirdo!
April: we are FIGURING OUT the FAKE LIFE OF CHRIS GAINES
Millie: i bet there’s an allmusic entry
April: peep it!
Millie: “Christian Gene Gaines was born August 10, 1967 in Brisbane, Australia. His family moved to the Los Angeles area when he was five years old.”
April: HAHAHAHHAHA okay who wrote that?! do you think G. BROOKS HIMSELF did?
Millie: read how fucking DETAILED that part is
Millie: WHY did they come up with some of that shit?!
Millie: that’s what creeps me out
April: “alter ego for a movie project titled The Lamb by Garth Brooks”
April: did that movie happen?
April: man, i never realized he was supposed to be AUSTRALIAN
April: “As an only child, Chris was expected by many to carry the torch in the Olympic waters.”
April: WHAT?!?!?!?!?! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAA
April: HIS FAKE PARENTS WERE OLYMPIANS
Millie: i mean, WHYYYYY is that a “chris gaines fact”?!
Millie: just the DETAIL man
April: “He did complete his G.E.D. in 1987.”
Millie: it’s so psychotic!
April: “In the winter of 1992, Chris was involved in a violent single-car crash that nearly ended his life. Chris spent six weeks in the hospital and over two years undergoing extensive plastic surgery on his face, shoulder and hands.”
April: TOLD YOU!
Millie: HAHAHAHAH “TOLD YOU”
Millie: TOLD YOU this fake fact was REAL
April: i remember that from “behind the music”!
Millie: you should add:
Millie: “He was made to look like Derek Zoolander.”
April: and then his hair was all in his face & shit! and THEN came the white boy soul! THE WHITE SEAL!
April: then he was singing shit that sounded like “kiss from a rose”!
Millie: i also think he was BAREFOOT in that video
Millie: just an FYI
April: that’s on some SEAL-TYPE SHIT
Millie: so i guess we now know garth brooks really wanted to be seal.
Millie: what the fuck!
April: what could we add to this? this wikipeedz entry was MADE to be tampered with.
Millie: i feel like everything from the deep recesses of our brain is already IN IT
Millie: his entire fake existence is something we’d think of
Millie: as a joke
Millie: i feel as if we could put ANYTHING in there at this point and people wouldn’t think twice
April: yeah, i bet you are the first person to look at this wikipedia entry since the site started
April: you DUSTED OFF THE COBWEBS
Millie: “actually, chris gaines was NOT a sharpshooter at the state fair”
Millie: Most Least Accessed Site On The Internet
April: HAHAHAHAHA GOOD POINT
Millie: let’s think of some “facts”
April: who is going to be like, “that part sounds outlandish.”
April: “chris gaines didn’t really do that.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines was the former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines refused to eat pita bread for an entire year.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines coined the phrase ‘tenderoni’.”
Millie: THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS
April: seriously. no one would question any of it.
April: but who moderates this? do you think garth brooks himself plays HALL MONITOR for the chris gaines entry?
Millie: or MAYBE you should put “Chris Gaines just announced his new album for 2010 called FORNUCOPIA 2: BONER HARVEST” or something
April: BONER HARVEST
April: the artwork is him serving one of those cornucopias stuffed with BOOBS
Millie: PLEASE make that in photoshop
Millie: boobs in an 80’s bikini top
Millie: coming out of those wicker cornucopia things
April: right, exactly! like the boobs of ’80s hot chicks that look like moms!
April: HAHAHAHA david is like, “when are you guys NOT talking about chris gaines?”
April: he has a point.