Millie: i just came from the mall. went to B REP.
April: haha “b rep!”
April: “i go there a lot.”
Millie: “honey, throw a half dozen of these windbreakers in that bag for me”
Millie: i made a male friend of mine buy this grey sportscoat because it was TIMELESSLY HOT
Millie: we have to steer these dudes in the right direction
Millie: although this guy is already pretty stylish
April: i made chip step up his game
Millie: but most dudes are seriously RETARDED AT CLOTHES!
April: but he’s kind of into it now!
April: he was, like, THANKING me!
Millie: i think dudes secretly want us to make them over
Millie: a.k.a. BUSINESS IDEA
April: HAHA me too!
April: BUSINESS IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: dude, we should be FASH CONSULTANTS FOR DUDES
April: YES YES YES
Millie: get them into good FASH.
April: WWPFTD, Inc.
Millie: that’s our company!
Millie: that’s it, i’m putting out an ad for us on craigslist
April: WHY HELLO THERE, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
April: I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
Millie: THANK YOU, I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BECOME A MILLIONAIRE FOR SOMETHING THAT COMES NATURALLY TO ME.
April: looking at hot dudes and knowing what makes them hot is listed under “SPECIAL SKILLS” on my resume
April: I’M A NATURAL
Millie: Rule #1: NO DRAGON T-SHIRTS
April: Rule #2: NO CHOKERS
April: Rule #3: NO HIGHLIGHTS
April: Rule #4: NO LEATHER, unless it is on your watch band or shoes
Millie: the thing is, NOBODY can dispute that we’re the all-time champs of know what makes a dude hot
Millie: NOBODY can dispute that
April: we really are
April: it’s a gift
Millie: i mean, we have impeccable taste in dudes, we know when they’re hot
April: “yeah, i just KNOW that he’s hot.”
April: we really do.
Millie: it’s a FOOLPROOF business plan!
Millie: i can’t believe we’re gonna make money off of it
April: GIVE US A LOAN DESPITE THE ECONOMY, BIG BANKERS!
Millie: i mean, there’s nobody to compete against! how you gonna prove you’re a BETTER JUDGE OF HOT than us? we’re the leader in our field ALREADY.
April: KNOWING WHAT MAKES DUDES HOT = FOOLPROOF BUSINESS PLAN!
April: i just drew up the proposal!
April: honestly, we are
April: dudes need to know what’s up
Millie: also, i’m totally going to EXPAND our business model and write a book on how to tell dudes how to keep their apartments
Millie: and how to clean
Millie: i’m already franchising
April: yeah, i mean, for too long dudes have gotten away with being slobs, both in appearance and in general, and it’s seen as “endearing” or whatever
April: like, “oh, he can’t match his clothes, how cute”
Millie: we’ll break it down for them real simple
Millie: and tell them you don’t even have to spend a ton of money
April: YOU DON’T! THAT’S THE THING!
April: chip was all, “i don’t have the money to dress like that,” but you don’t need it!
April: i was like, “you don’t have to buy DESIGNER shit!” i mean, i dress well and i ain’t buying, like, GUCCI or PRADA or whatever!
Millie: i mean, shit — you can buy a button-up shirt at target and then go to old navy and buy a solid sweater
Millie: that’s like 40 bucks TOPS
Millie: and that’s already DRESSED UP
April: you ain’t gotta go all versace on it or whatever
April: even stepping up your game from wearing T-SHIRTS every day to putting on a button-down is PROGRESS
Millie: GOD THIS IS BRILLIANT
April: IT IS!
April: i SWEAR to you, chip THANKED ME the other night for encouraging him to STOP dressing like a teenage slacker
April: he was like, “i actually kinda like it”
Millie: THEY SECRETLY LIKE IT!
Millie: and straight guys want the help
Millie: they go for anything that makes them MORE ATTRACTIVE TO LADIES
April: we should write a book
April: or at the very least a zine
Millie: a QUARTERLY
April: there are SO MANY “girl, get your shit together” books
April: all “he’s not that into you” style
April: we need to write “WE ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO THE WAY YOU LOOK, YOU LAZY ASSES”
Millie: we have to make it appeal to dudes
Millie: so that dudes will want to read it
Millie: we’ll make the cover look like MOBY DICK or something
April: right right
Millie: LEATHER BOUND
April: MOBY DICK
April: i’m sure!
April: the dudes who need to read it aren’t into moby dick!
April: they’re into, like, HIGH TIMES MAGAZINE
Millie: wait, you’re right. so we need to make it look like a porn
April: dudes who read leather-bound copies of moby dick probably already know what’s up
Millie: the cover will be JUGGS and then inside will be our thing
April: HAHA “A PORN”
April: like “this girl will bone you if you stop wearing cargo shorts & flip-flops: the book”
Millie: or like, some HOT ROD magazine
Millie: or the cover will literally look like a D&D manual
Millie: and then you open the first page and our book starts
April: D&D MANUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: like a fake trick book!
April: and it’s like, “GOTCHA! now read on to advance your swagger.”
Millie: that way nobody would suspect
April: okay, i’m ready to COUNT OUR MILLIONS
Millie: ARE YOU READY TO SWIM IN A POOL OF GOLD COINS
April: HAHAHA surf on that shit, scrooge mcduck style!