New Perspective On Shit

Millie: real quick, i have to fucking show you this: http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5324/7167506636_3b7df0d3eb_o.jpg
April: WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
Millie: hahaha my friend on FB posted this and wrote “Pretty incredible ‘95 Crown Vic Child’s Play Edition”
Millie: CHILD’S PLAY EDITION
April: is that ATTACHED to the wheel?!!?
April: WHAT THE FUCK?
Millie: i asked that too!!!!
April: like you’re DRIVING ON CHUCKIE?
Millie: okay so my friend scott posted this — he saw this car outside SOUTH OF THE BORDER
Millie: duh, all class
Millie: but then when he was taking pics, the owner came out and was like “wait”
Millie: and then went into the trunk and grabbed the doll
April: HAHAHA “wait”
Millie: and like posed the doll against the car
April: ohhhh
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: like okay, now you got a good pic
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: “let me get it ready for the photo op”
April: okay
April: what’s with chuckie GETTING MONEY?
April: is chuckie GANGSTER?
April: is chuckie a symbol of thuggery?
Millie: dude, i have no idea!!
Millie: chuckie is the new scarface
April: hahahaha
April: like i see some thugged-out dooz with giant TAZ t-shirts
April: which is odd, but i SORT OF get it because taz fucks up shit in his path
April: but chuckie?
April: like him HOLDING DOLLARS on there is the funniest shit ever
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: yeah i can’t even recall but was chuckie ever into money?
Millie: like in the movies
Millie: i just thought he killed people
Millie: money was no motivation
April: yeah, me too?
April: how could he even monetize his killings? he’s not an adult
April: people aren’t going to pay a baby to kill
Millie: HAHAHA right? i mean, you hire someone to kill, you want a fully grown adult
Millie: here’s my thing though
Millie: okay so scarface, i get
Millie: b/c it’s a whole “coming from nothing, making your fortune” story
Millie: that might be inspiring
April: yeah, i get scarface too
Millie: whereas chuckie…
Millie: WHAT DID HE DO
April: exactly.
April: unless it’s just that he reps PURE EVIL?
April: but that’s not even thuggish
April: that’s like horrorcore
April: like gravediggaz or something
April: i feel like tupac wouldn’t rep chuckie
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: tupac would not go to las vegas and bet on boxing w/ chuckie
April: hahahahaha
Millie: okay now i’m reading the plotline of child’s play
April: any clues?
April: to his thuggishness?
Millie: “a serial killer known as “The Lakeshore Strangler” (Brad Dourif), is shot and mortally wounded. Knowing he cannot escape, the dying Charles takes cover inside a toy store, finding boxes of talking “Good Guy” dolls, and uses a voodoo ritual to transfer his soul into one of the dolls”
Millie: hahahahahahahahahahaha
Millie: yeah that’s believable
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: that sounds terrible
April: is voodoo gangster?
Millie: god this plot is so convoluted
Millie: i just have to say
Millie: i can’t stop laughing at this being the Child’s Play Edition of a car
Millie: like car companies putting out themed cars
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: there are, like, eddie bauer SUVs and shit
April: and now the Child’s Play Ford
Millie: RIGHT!!
April: only the finest
April: like imagine a dad buying this car for the family
April: or it being a COMPANY CAR HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA like mary kay
April: if you sell 1,000 chuckie dolls, you get this car
April: toys r us pyramid scheme
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i love that an adult drives this.
April: CHUCKIE GETTING DOLLARS
April: BWAHAHAHAHHA i can’t stop laughing at that
April: the idea of chuckie being into MONEY
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: and it’s so clearly like GLUED to his hand
April: i love the idea of making a character into what you want it to be
April: like putting hello kitty on a car but giving her gold teeth
April: “i like chuckie, but i wish he was HARDER”
Millie: it’s like giving yogi bear a six pack
Millie: HOW YA LIKE ME NOW
April: HAHAHA TOTALLY
April: dressing tom & jerry up like kris kross
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i can’t stop laughing at this car.
Millie: ME NEITHER!!!!
Millie: i also like the fact that the guy who owns it had a doll in the back
Millie: that he like, props up with the car whenever he can
April: he COMES PREPARED

April: i also get bummed that batman isn’t real
April: like, why am i getting MORE into batman the older i get?!
Millie: hahahaha
Millie: i hear you
Millie: i’m pissed that Dave TV from the david lee roth “california girls” video isn’t real and i can’t get a job there
April: hahahaha
Millie: but listen
Millie: batman’s kind of an asshole.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: just like, personality wise
Millie: i mean he does great stuff
April: see, i just think he is NO NONSENSE
April: he takes no shit.
Millie: but he’s just kind of an asshole
April: do you mean batman or bruce wayne?
Millie: batman!
April: i just think he doesn’t have time for your shit
April: that’s his thing
Millie: i just imagine if like, i got rescued by batman
Millie: i’d be like “ack, thanks…”
April: he’s all business
April: he’ll rescue you, but he’s not trying to HANG
Millie: zero bedside manner
April: i agree, but i’m fine with that
April: leave that shit to superman
April: batman is like a fucking ninja
April: in and out, silent, cover of night
April: no pomp and/or circumstance
Millie: i think batman does night shit
Millie: like i think batman does like the nighttime party scene stuff
Millie: like superman will totally fix train crashes and shit
April: superman wants to be on a float in a small-town parade, getting accolades
April: batman is grimy
Millie: but batman might come get you if you had too much to drink and now you’re getting mugged
Millie: i mean, maybe that’s why he’s an asshole?
April: i don’t get asshole from that!
April: i get FOCUSED
Millie: just b/c he has to deal with people who might have initially made a bad decision
April: he’s not like, being MEAN
April: he’s just like, getting shit done
Millie: he’s like, “ugh. i have you pick you up from the club AGAIN?”
April: i mean, MAYBE an eye roll
Millie: look, i’m trying to understand his assholeness
April: maybe he’s rolling his eyes like, “stop hanging out in these shady alleys, people”
Millie: but i def think he’s, at best, kinda brusque
April: oh sure
April: he’s terse
Millie: right that’s what i mean
April: but he ain’t got time to CHAT
Millie: superman does all the daytime, gee golly gosh stuff
April: he’s gotta get to his cave and make new weapons
April: right!
Millie: batman is having to deal with street trash
Millie: he’s totally downtown
April: and has his built-in powers
April: batman’s gotta WORK
April: and make shit
April: and like, repair the bullet holes in his suit or whatever
Millie: still dude. maybe not always be frowning when you’re saving people
Millie: i get it’s thankless work but man
April: hahahahahaha
Millie: he’s acts like an overworked/underpaid social worker
April: i feel like the ACT OF SAVING is enough
April: that’s nice enough for me
Millie: just like “UGH. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.”
Millie: don’t get me wrong — i’m really down for batman saving people and all that
April: he should do it with a smile? hahaha
Millie: but sometimes i feel like it comes at a price
Millie: he will judge you and make you feel like shit for your choices
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: and roll his eyes
April: “batman is really disappointed in me. i should curb my partying.”
Millie: i don’t need the judgments, batman.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: just save me and let me live my life

Millie: okay also
Millie: i saw a picture the other day of a tiger taking a dump
Millie: http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p480x480/431230_10150597073070432_709525431_9515235_93693520_n.jpg
Millie: i mean, you very rarely see a tiger take a dump!
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
April: it looks downright dainty!
Millie: isn’t that a weird realization to make!
April: you don’t often see anything taking a dump!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: yeah but out of all the animals
April: they played a gg allin video before this comedy show a while ago
April: and i was sort of captivated
April: only because you never see someone ACTUALLY dumping
Millie: WAIT! did he dump on stage
Millie: YES!!!
April: like you might walk in on someone sitting on the toilet, yeah
Millie: (wait, i’m not YES!!ing the dump)
April: but you never see SHIT actually coming OUT OF someone’s asshole
April: it was so weird
April: especially weird because was standing on stage and shitting over the edge of it
April: and standing up straight! HAHAHAHA
April: like no crouch at all
Millie: STANDING DUMP!
Millie: wait, how did that happen?!
April: so just standing and letting the shit fall to the floor below the stage
Millie: how can you stand straight up and dump?
April: it was so weird looking
April: it just looked like prank fake snakes from fake peanut brittle cans coming out of his ass
April: like, leisurely
Millie: HAHAHAHA FOREVER
April: like i almost wasn’t even grossed out for a second because it was just so weird?
April: and i was so overcome with, “this is the FIRST TIME i have ever seen someone ACTUALLY shitting.”
Millie: right! like the act of
Millie: you always just see the end product
April: right! like he turned so his ass was to the crowd, stood, and let the shit fall on the stage/floor
April: it had a long way to fall too
April: so it was like, long?
April: nothing there to break it off
April: it was so fucking weird
Millie: WAIT
Millie: how are you producing logs while standing straight up
Millie: wouldn’t your ass cheex just get in the way?
April: i feel like in past gg allin videos we watched in high school, we just saw him throwing shit?
April: like i don’t remember seeing him ACTUAL AND FACTUAL dumping
Millie: haha yeah, him throwing shit and everyone RUNNING
April: but he wasn’t CROUCHING
April: i mean, maybe he bent his knees slightly
Millie: okay — just wanted to know the physics of that
April: i can’t give you the exact angle of his knees, haha
April: but he was standing pretty tall
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: stand tall and proud, GG
April: and the shit had to make, like, a three-foot drop, minimum
Millie: let me ask you this
Millie: so like if you were able to see GG allin live today
Millie: knowing that he takes full dumps on stage
Millie: would you go?
April: FUCK NAW
Millie: just b/c i don’t think i could ever see a live dump
April: ARE YOU JOKING?
April: NO WAY MAN
April: i’m not trying to be in the same ROOM as a live dump
April: i mean, i only tolerated the video because of the momentary amazement of, “wait, i have LITERALLY never seen this”
Millie: i don’t know man
Millie: i never saw gg actually shitting
Millie: like i said, it’s always like “there was shit on stage already and he threw it”
Millie: i don’t know if i could do a video, even
Millie: wait a fucking sec
Millie: HOW were you able to watch a grown man shitting but yet couldn’t watch the ET porn?
April: well, again, it was the shock
April: like for a minute it was just me going, “oh wait, this is COMPLETELY FOREIGN to me”
April: and THEN i was like, “OH GROSS” and looked away

Millie: https://www.buffetsjobs.com/index.cfm?action=requisition.list&jobType=C
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
April: i’m dying over the company being BUFFETS, INC
Millie: RIGHT?!?!?!
April: that should be where weird al works in the “eat it” video
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA right? before he quits
Millie: there’s an RSS feed too
April: why.
Millie: I KNOW!!!!
Millie: also i went to the ryan’s facebook page
Millie: talk about content being king
Millie: it’s like “How was your weekend? Love, RYAN’S STEAKHOUSE”
Millie: i love how companies have a facebook page to ask about their customer’s weekends
April: oh my god, me too
April: or when, like, cleaning supplies have facebook pages
April: “please like formula 405 on facebook!”
Millie: exactly! it’s like, how long are you going to sustain conversations about formula 405
Millie: “Did anyone cut any grease today?”
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: “How did we do with the whole cleaning-your-kitchen thing? Tell us!”
Millie: HAHAHAHA exactly
April: hahaha, i love the WEB ENTITY of ryan’s steakhouse being like, “how y’all doing out there?”
Millie: http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/425921_10150602762237634_285773715_n.jpg
Millie: okay
Millie: first off
Millie: whose “new thing” consists of reading a book and drinking herbal tea
Millie: YOU GUYS, i just did this new thing
April: REGARDZ, who is TELLING RYAN’S STEAKHOUSE ABOUT IT?
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i just feel like, who is the social media manager at ryan’s
April: yeah, especially since ryan’s caters to people NOT on facebook
April: i.e. my grandparents
Millie: exactly!
Millie: i mean, they must be like pulling out their hair trying to figure out stuff to talk about
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
April: “if i were a steakhouse, what would i want to know?”
April: “what would i ask my customers?”
Millie: but also like, super arrogant too
Millie: “tell us what you thought of our popcorn shrimp”
April: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: their wall is so sad
April: “how delicious did you think our chicken fingers were? tell us in the comments!”
Millie: “Ryan’s Buffet Give us ONE word to describe 2012 so far.”
April: hahahahahahahahaha WHAT?
April: “steaky”
Millie: “Ryan’s Buffet Happy Monday! Only one more week until Thanksgiving - we’re getting excited! Have you made your turkey day plans?”
Millie: “Hopefully NOT eating at Ryan’s?”
April: also, who is SHARING ryan’s wall stories with their friends?!?!
Millie: SHARING!!!!!!!!!
April: i seriously love the type of person who would share/comment on this stuff
April: that fascinates me
Millie: god ME FUCKING TOO
Millie: it’s so fascinating
April: i mean, one of these has 128 comments
April: “Ryan’s Buffet Today starts a new month. What do you love most about March?”
April: 70 people answered.
April: 70 people thought, “ryan’s steakhouse really cares about what i have to say on this topic.”
April: i love that
Millie: RIGHT!!! i was like “50 comments on what?!”
April: there are 72 comments and 1 share (!!!!!!!!!!) on this:
April: “Ryan’s Buffet It’s Fun Fact Friday! Today is National Umbrella Day. Do you prefer an umbrella or raincoat?”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “Okay Ryan’s Steakhouse, here’s what i prefer…”
Millie: !!!!!!!!!!!
April: “here’s where i stand on that important debate, ryan’s…”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i love this subculture so much
April: these people are totally the people that call in to home shopping channels
Millie: oh my god exactly!!!
Millie: or like the people who actually buy the bathtub being sold at the un-manned kiosk in the mall
April: HAHAHA YES!!!
April: i love it so much when people call in to home shopping channels and want to TALK
April: like get down to it
April: and the hosts are even like, “uh, okay. thanks. yes, yes. thanks. bye!”
Millie: i always think they like the presentations
Millie: which is why they don’t just go on the internet
Millie: i mean, maybe they don’t have internet or whatever
April: well, a lot feel STRONGLY about the products
April: and want to talk FOREVER about how great they are
Millie: but they like emeril coming on to talk about his pans or some shit
Millie: HAHAHAHA
April: to where even the hosts are like, “we get it. it’s great. moving on…”
Millie: STRONGLY

Millie: i have a question
that’s serious
April: what up
Millie: okay
who decided internet stuff
like for example
why isn’t there a www.cnn.chair
or www.google.cool
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAaaa
i seriously learned this in college, but forgot
Millie: and like, who gives out websites
i think of the internet as like this no man’s land
April: i had to learn this in a journalism law class
i think part of it has to do with regulation
like there can only be a finite number of domain endings so you can police them
Millie: who polices?
April: if they just let anyone pick, like, www.april.butts they wouldn’t be able to regulate them all
i think this? http://www.icann.org
Millie: ahhhhh
April: because, i mean, you can’t get like www.childporn.boner
Millie: right!!!!
or you can’t just be like “hey - i’m taking www.richarddreyfuss.com”
April: hahaha yeah
i mean you can, until he sues you
but you can’t get, like, www.howtomurderthepresident.com or something
Millie: right
because this icann comes along and shuts it down
April: i think
but theoretically, you can totally get www.jimmysmits.com and have it just be your blog or whatever — you don’t have to stop until/unless he sues you
Millie: well also like
how can he sue you
April: if he wants it
Millie: what if like there’s a jimmysmits.com in norway
April: well, that’s the thing
i think he can only sue if you are going, “i am THE FAMOUS jimmy smits, this is my site”
trying to impersonate him
but if you’re just doing you, i don’t think he can
Millie: right
April: hahaha, okay, so that’s figured out
we have it under control
next?