New Perspective On Shit

April: black jack taco: delicious
April: taco bell is upping their sauce game
Millie: tell me now…
Millie: is this super hot ?
April: spicy pepper jack sauce is on point
April: naw
April: just right, goldielocks steez
Millie: they should just make you a novelty food tester
Millie: you’re in the wrong business, kid
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: GOD I WISH
April: i would EXCEL at that job
Millie: i feel like that’s a role you were born to play
April: HAHAHAHA
April: where would i go to apply to be a novelty food tester though?
April: to test ALL BRANDS
Millie: well, funnily enough
Millie: i used to work in marketing research, remember
April: oh yeah!
April: but it wouldn’t all be awesome
Millie: and there was ALL KINDS of novel shit going through there
April: like i wouldn’t be testing new taco bell recipes or cool sodas all day
Millie: well, i remember the big thing back when i worked there was that drinkable yogurt
April: there would be times where it would be like, “we need to you taste this new kind of limburger cheese ice cream” or some shit
Millie: that was FRESH ON THE SCENE then
Millie: and i was like “oh my god, i can’t think of anything grosser than drinkable yogurt.”
April: hahahaha
Millie: as if yogurt was HARD to get down in the first place
April: wait, was it in a tube?
April: i’d drink it if it was in a proper drinking receptacle
April: not that squeeze tube shit
Millie: well yeah, it was like a plastic jug
Millie: like a chocolate milk
April: okay, that’s fine then
April: as long as it’s not in a weird TO-GO TUBE or whatever
Millie: but it’s so gross to me!
April: haha
April: i think of it like a smoothie i guess?
Millie: yeah but also, what’s CHALLENGING about yogurt?!
Millie: like “man, we have to make this easier somehow.”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Millie: it’s already KINDA drinkable!
April: i guess HANDS-FREE?
April: NO SPOON REQUIRED
Millie: see the thing is, it was totally geared towards kids
April: oh
April: in that case, i don’t know
Millie: so it was also PURPLE
April: OH DANG
April: that’s weird as hell
Millie: and had dinosaurs on the front
April: hahahahahaha
Millie: maybe that’s why i thought it was so gross?
April: “for your busy playground lifestyle”
Millie: i love how we have to trick kids into being healthy
April: yeah, i’m not into the PURPLE DRANK aspect
Millie: but it’s NOT HEALTHY AT ALL
Millie: “let’s take this carrot, pulverize it, color it yellow, and make it taste like cotton candy”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: you just got yourself a high-ranking job at kraft. congratulations!
April: INGENUITY!
Millie: i’m the don draper of novelty foods
Millie: where as you’d be the neil armstrong
Millie: the DO-ER
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: i seriously want that job.
Millie: but see, okay - the diff is
April: but again, there would be some HARD TIMES
Millie: you like shit that you ALREADY know is bad for you.
April: some rough-ass shit to taste
April: it ain’t all gonna be electric-cherry slurpees
Millie: you’re not like, “can’t wait to taste the new cherry cola flavored broccoli!”
Millie: like you’re not a fool.
April: well, right
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: i like o.g. broccoli
Millie: exactly
April: IN ADDITION TO taco bell constantly
April: i’m well-rounded.
April: hahahahahaha
Millie: but you ALSO like donut-flavored milkshakes
Millie: hahahaha
April: HAHAHA
April: like i’ll wash down lima beans with orange creamsicle frozee treetz
April: or whatever
Millie: right. you’re not fooling yourself, which i admire.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “admire”
Millie: i mean, someone i know has to be testing all this shit out
Millie: i think i could really get you a job testing foods though
April: that would rule
Millie: but like you said, there would be HARD TIMES
April: i’d really like it if it were to focus on soda and/or candy though
Millie: hahahaha and TACOS
Millie: well, thankfully there’s a lot of that going on
April: HAHAHA “thankfully”
Millie: like flavored cheese-its that are TWISTS instead of squares
Millie: shit like that
April: i’m into that!
Millie: but then there’s like, other shit
Millie: like we did something on clamato once, which i KNOW you’ll hate
April: OH GOD
April: okay, yeah, some of them i’d have to sit out
Millie: yeah but i think you’d be employed for the most part
Millie: it’s a good thing that vegetables don’t have to be marketed
Millie: like they just exist
April: hahahahaha
April: well, they kind of do?
April: like sometimes they are sold pre-packaged and cut up or whatever, so kids will think they are “fun”
Millie: well yeah - that’s what i mean
April: like packaged with ranch dressing and called “X-TREEM DIPPERZ!” or whatever
Millie: but like an ear of corn doesn’t have a marketing campaign necessarily
Millie: but like the EXTREME COOL KIDZ version of it would
April: right
April: but i feel like in this day & age it has to be?
April: like the commercial almost has to be like, “we know this isn’t pizza, but it’s COOL ANYWAY! PLEASE EAT IT!!!!!”
Millie: i’m just saying there’s not people sitting watching an unfinished commercial about ARUGULA or something
April: right right
Millie: well you know, it’s like in that “in defense of food” book
Millie: where like once they deemed eggs as bad for you, the EGG dudes went on a PR spree
April: right
Millie: or like when they had those commercials about how sugar “when used in moderation” is part of a healthy diet
April: haha “the egg dudes”
April: i love that that’s for real
Millie: EGG DUDES make the call
April: that there’s actually an EGG BOARD and CORN BOARD and shit
Millie: right!!
Millie: i sit on the Egg Board
Millie: Potato Council
April: hahahaha
April: Celery Legislature
Millie: I CALL THIS MEETING TO ORDER
April: hahaha