New Perspective On Shit

Millie: okay, i have seen too many real-life zooey deschanels
April: oh no
April: GOD
April: BARFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Millie: dude.
April: I HATE INDIENESS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
April: i swear i want to start wearing BIG JOHNSON T-SHIRTS OR SOME SHIT
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: let’s start wearing CRACKER BARREL UNIFORMS
April: i fucking do!
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: then people will think we’re racists.
April: OR WORSE
April: think we are being IRONIC
April: GOD MAN
April: HARDCORE INDIE PEOPLE CAN SUCK IT!
Millie: well then it has to be RYAN’S STEAKHOUSE
April: i have a LIFE DILEMMA here
April: because i love clothes
April: I LOVE CLOTHES. i love dressing up or whatever
April: BUT
April: i feel like i have to somehow make it clear that i am not into ZOOEY DESCHANEL-ESQUE PRECIOUSNESS
April: you know?
Millie: well yeah, you are in a PICKLE
April: like, “just because i look this way, i’m still gonna fucking listen to LL COOL J and eat steaks” or whatever
Millie: i mean, i think it’s clear from the first TWO SECONDS of meeting you though that you aren’t
Millie: haha
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: hahahaha
April: GOOD. THANK YOU.
Millie: “ll cool j/steaks”
April: i’m just trying to think of things ZOOEY-TYPE GIRLS have never done
Millie: i seriously think we need to change the game
Millie: big johnson t-shirts is great
April: i feel like she has never listened to a single ll cool j song or had one bite of a RIBEYE
Millie: i mean, i really do feel like we need to bring back dr. seuss hats
Millie: just to fucking say FUCK YOU
April: but i’m looking at these dresses these girls wear and i like them! they are great! but i don’t need to wear them with black tights and elf shoes and pose in a rose garden or whatever!
April: GOD!
April: CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE AT LEAST
Millie: ALL COY
April: SO. FUCKING. PRECIOUS.
April: i hate how nothing is sincere now!
April: like you can’t even LEGIT like some shit without everyone constantly thinking you’re BEING IRONIC
April: like somebody was recently laughing about my love of elvis, like, “haha, that’s funny,” like it’s IRONIC, and i was baffled!
April: i mean, it’s ELVIS. like, that’s like ironically liking a DESK or a LAMP or DAN RATHER or something. he just IS. he’s just a PART OF AMERICAN LIFE
April: i hate INDIENESS. i swear i want to date a fucking monster truck driver or something
Millie: [link to a picture of an impossibly cute and precious indie girl]
April: whatever to that girl.
April: i could pick food out of my teeth with her legs.
Millie: she’s fucking zooey d.
Millie: period.
Millie: like they have the same vacant wood nymph stare and everything
April: oh totally
April: here’s my thing: what dude wants to FUCK that though?!
April: i just genuinely do not understand!
April: it’s like wanting to fuck a PORCELAIN DOLL!
Millie: RIGHT?!
Millie: that’s what i was thinking too!!
Millie: i was like “weird, they probably have the weirdest sex life ever”
April: like i know MANY DUDES who have said aloud, “zooey deschanel is my dream girl.”
April: ????!!?!?!!!!!!!
April: when i think of DREAM GIRL, i think TOTAL PACKAGE
Millie: but she’s so PRESERVED
Millie: like museum quality
April: which means smart, funny, all that shit, but also BRINGING IT IN BED
April: which i GUARANTEEEEEE zooey d. don’t do
Millie: well she’s cute and perfect but she’s not sexy?
Millie: like she doesn’t have the look in the eye so devilish
April: RIGHT? EXACTLY!
Millie: like to me, sexy is kind of rough around the edges
Millie: ?
April: EXACTLYYYYYYY
April: at least a LITTLE BIT
Millie: right
Millie: like it’s kind of dark
Millie: and weird
Millie: and not like BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED
April: let’s get serious here: zooey d. gives a shitty blow job.
April: YOU KNOW that is true. you know it!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: well, only because it’s like, too messy for her
April: yes! too messy and she’s worried she won’t look cute doing it
Millie: exactly
Millie: like she’d want to hold hands, bare mins
April: yes! like she gets tense when the dude goes for the fingerblast
Millie: HAHAHA GET TENSE!
April: AM I NOT CORRECT?
Millie: no you are so right
Millie: she wants to have cute sex!
Millie: CUTE SEX!
April: which is IM.POSS.I.BLE
Millie: exactly
Millie: sex is like the equivalent of a hair lip, lazy eye, and brown tooth rolled into one
April: if you’re having cute sex, you’re not doing it right
Millie: it’s not like perfect skin and wide eyes
April: EXACTLY!
Millie: pigeon toed all looking reflective
April: i think zooey-types are, like, never nudes anyway
April: like always wear super huge vintage granny panties or whatever
Millie: hahahaha
Millie: i mean, sex is not cute
Millie: sex is gross
April: seriously. and if you’re concerned about how you look while doing it, it’s going to suck.
Millie: and it’s riddled with problems
Millie: by default
Millie: so like, it CAN’T possibly be cute
Millie: most people have to get DRUNK just to do it
Millie: so whatever
Millie: it’s awkward
Millie: CLOSING THE LOGICAL GAP
April: hahahahahahahahaha
April: exactly. it’s the obvious conclusion to come to.
April: overly cute/precious indie darling = shitty beej
April: FACE FACTS
Millie: yeah but i feel like guys LOVE that though
Millie: they love to defile and filthify the PRECIOUS FLOWER
April: ew GOD
April: that’s horrifying
April: yeah, but i mean, there are plenty of girls in between
April: that aren’t PRECIOUS DOLLS but also aren’t RAGING SLUTS or whatever
Millie: yeah totally. i think most girls we’d associate with are like, the balance between
Millie: like we’re not like total seasoned sea hags
Millie: but we still kind of want it a lot
April: totally!
April: that’s another thing though! zooey-type girls don’t even seem like they WANT IT
April: like since dicks aren’t CUTE, they don’t even want them
Millie: well it’s a kissing game, bottom line
Millie: like it’s childish, like little kids who kissed accidentally