April: yo, what have you been up to lately?
Millie: working basically
Millie: and going to the gym
Millie: like a boring fucking dork
April: no way man, whatever
April: i started running post-dumpage
April: and i’m getting into it
April: we might be At That Age
Millie: yeah man, i’ve been on that couch-to-5k jam
April: i’m like, “i don’t even think i can jokingly eat at taco bell every day anymore”
Millie: dude i know i can’t
Millie: like if i eat something remotely awesome at lunch, i’m dragging total ass when i’m running at the gym after work
Millie: i’m like, “oh, so that’s why you shouldn’t eat fried chicken tacos”
April: hahaha right?
April: yeah it’s weird
April: for like the MONTH after i got dumped, i basically didn’t eat.
April: i mean, i was just so not into it
April: like i’ve only just gradually started eating again
April: and i immediately tried to eat like A WHOLE PIZZA and it fucked my world up
April: and i was like, “don’t think i can do this anymore?”
Millie: we’re at a “come to terms age” with this stuff
April: oh totally!
April: like i know i joke all day about the bullshit i eat, but i’m for real like, “don’t think that can be me anymore”
April: not like i’m some annoying preachy health nut now or anything though
April: i just can’t rage on that shit all the time now
Millie: yeah, basically everything gives me instant diarrhea
Millie: ice cream being the worst
Millie: and anything fried
April: OH YOU KNOW ice cream was ALWAYS my butthole’s kryptonite
April: hahahaha okay even i’m laughing at that
Millie: Butthole’s Kryptonite, the new rollercoaster at Six Flags Over Georgia
April: i want to tweet that now but people will be like, “okay, you’re talking about your own diarrhea?”
April: i would totally ride a roller coaster called BUTTHOLE’S KRYPTONITE
April: what would the design of that be?
April: like with flames painted on the sides of the cars?
Millie: it would be like cars in the shape of donuts and pizzas and tacos going into a butt
Millie: and then coming out of the other side through a ring of fire
Millie: dude i can’t even type i’m laughing so hard
Millie: at the thought of this
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA ME TOO
April: “pizzas and tacos going into a butt”
Millie: i’m like, what if this was our job for real
April: i’m crying
April: GOD I WISH
April: “pizzas and tacos going into a butt” sounds like what a little kid thinks sex is
Millie: to come up with the rollercoaster equivalent of someone’s diarrhea
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA right?!
Millie: little kids on playground telling each other “having sex is basically like a pizza going into a butt!”
April: HAHAHA YES!
April: like it sounds like a 5-year-old’s explanation for where babies come from
April: but would the roller coaster go through a ring of fire?
April: like the cars have the foods on them and then they pass through a tight ring of fire?
April: i can’t believe i just tweeted that
April: OH WELL
Millie: IT’S OUT THERE
April: why is butthole just the best word ever though?
Millie: i feel like there’s gotta be a water component to this ride
April: i do too!
Millie: like maybe after you leave the butthole, there’s like this water portion
Millie: like people gotta get off our ride in wet jean shorts
Millie: that’s my goal in this fake life we just created
April: but how graphic is this going to get?
April: like will the water be BROWN?
Millie: we might as well have like, the cars changed to LOGS
April: HAHAHA YES! TOTALLY LOGS!
Millie: another log flume ride
April: and we’ll call the track the HERSHEY HIGHWAY
Millie: high school kids are high-fiving each other getting off our ride going, “DUDE - the best part of Butthole’s Kryptonite was DEFINITELY Hershey Highway”
Millie: i am crying typing this
April: getting photos of themselves screaming midway through
April: hahahaha i am too
April: it’s so gross and dumb and awesome
Millie: it’s like my fourth-grade brain has taken over the keyboard
April: i imagine it being wooden though too and having like a yosemite sam-esque mascot
April: i don’t know why
April: but Butthole’s Kryptonite could have a wild wild west theme
April: like you know how they used to have to use explosives in mines to get gold out or whatever?
April: i feel like that metaphor could apply
Millie: HAHAHHAHA OH MY GOD i was totally thinking panhandlers something!
Millie: like maybe the actual butthole is the butthole of an old toothless prospector
Millie: like you go down the front of his overalls
April: HAHAHAHAHA i love that we are on the same page with this
April: with this PROJECT
Millie: i am screaming
April: tears are seriously rolling down my face
April: people at work think i’m a lunatic
Millie: it’s like, every thing i’m typing i’m screaming and crying during it
Millie: like WHY IS MY BRAIN TALKING ABOUT OLD BUTTHOLES
April: six flags needs to hire us as creative consultants.
Millie: i’m ready to do this for the rest of my life
April: BACK UP THE BRINKS TRUCK OF DOLLARS
Millie: i’m ready to be Rollercoaster Monthly’s Women of the Year
April: sponsored by pepto bismol
April: “these women have done wonders for the roller coaster world as well as raising awareness for IBS”
Millie: dude, the idea of “getting photos of themselves screaming midway through” is possibly the finest idea of your life
Millie: i cannot stop laughing at that
Millie: just the idea of getting a screaming pic on that ride