New Perspective On Shit

(Our friend Thara posing with the taxidermied bear at my parents’ house):

Millie: my dad: worst taste ever, 1954-present
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: no way man
April: my stepdad would give him a run for his money
April: i mean, my parents think JEFF FOXWORTHY is the funniest person who ever lived
Millie: okay but here’s what’s fucking CUTTHROAT about your dad
Millie: which i sort of feel is the defining characteristic
Millie: your fucking dad hunted that bear
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i just laughed SO FUCKING LOUD
Millie: okay, not only did he hunt the bear, had it stuffed and put in his MAN’S OFFICE
Millie: but he took pics of it, put it in an ALBUM on the coffee table
Millie: and then had its PAW. MADE. INTO. AN. ASHTRAY.
April: USE ALL THE PARTS OF THE BEAR
April: like NATIVE AMERICANS
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: your dad was like, “this bear is DEAD”
Millie: i fucking love the dedicaish on that shit
April: “may none of him go to waste”
Millie: “your spirit is free now, brother — we’ve made your eyeballs into pool cues”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA(*$()&*%(%&*$^&^%#^##^
Millie: YOUR DAD IS SO BALLS TO THE WALL!
April: dude, i’m telling you, you don’t know fear until you walk down the stairs half-asleep to a FEROCIOUS STUFFED BEAR POSED IN THE “ATTACK” POSITION STARING YOU IN THE FACE
April: the day he brought that home i almost had 17 SIMULTANEOUS HEART ATTACKS
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i just remember seeing it in his man’s office
Millie: and you were like “check out the PHOTO ALBUM”
April: i’m honestly kind of surprised my dad didn’t make a LOINCLOTH of its fur to wear every day
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAA
April: i’m surprised we didn’t EAT IT RAW FOR DINNER or some shit
Millie: yeah, i’m surprised your dad doesn’t wear casual loinclothes
Millie: he’s that type of dude
April: seriously. or at least, like, suits made of caribou fur
April: GOD, he’s so TED NUGENT
Millie: he’s so NANOOK OF THE NORTH
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: LOTHAR OF THE HILL PEOPLE!
Millie: your dad would seriously bring my dad’s head home at the top of a spear
April: but only with ANIMALS! i feel like my dad is a total PUSSY when it comes to, like, BAR FIGHTS or something
April: like he’ll wrestle a bear to the ground but if some beefy dude stepped to him in a saloon, he’d be scared
Millie: HAHAHAHA he’d run to his RV
April: hahahaha seriously!
Millie: yeah my dad is obviously a ginormous wimp
Millie: your dad killed the shit out of a bear, and that’s all there is to it