New Perspective On Shit

Millie: http://www.amazon.com/Boss-was-Killer-Next-Victim/dp/0943247098
Millie: HAHAHAHA that fucking book cover
Millie: nice PIXELATED photo
April: DUDE I KNOW
April: hahahaha YES!
April: and, like, just ARIAL for the title
April: also, is it even a real book? or did that lady just print it out on her inkjet?
Millie: hahaha
Millie: “I was the next victim”
April: hahahahaha
April: yeah, i mean, if you got the THUMBNAIL PIC off the internet and THAT’s your COVER, you kind of lose cred
April: i kind of don’t believe you were really close to that dude
Millie: that shit is on AMAZON, son.
Millie: user review: “This book was one of the most poorly written and edited books I have ever read.”
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: i’m sure it is! i AM judging it by its cover!
April: i read this book about life inside the playboy mansion that was available for free download from the playmate’s site and it was THE WORST
April: haha, i printed it out at my old job
April: i mean, it was FASCINATING, but it was like a fifth grader wrote it
April: i bet this is like that
Millie: are you talking about the one where the girl was like, having to lube up with COOKING OIL
April: uh YES
Millie: OH MY GOD YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THAT.
April: and he banged, like, 20 girls a night with NO PROTECTSH
April: and they CONSTANTLY got YEAST INFECTIONSSSSSSSSS
Millie: wait a second, HOW DID YOU GET THIS FUCKING BOOK
April: AUGHHHHHHHH
Millie: KLJDFKLSDJFKLSDJFKLSDJFKLSJDFKLSJDFKLSJDFKLJ
Millie: KLSDFLKJSDLKJSDLKJSDKLJSDLKJSDLKJ
Millie: JESUS CHRIST
April: yeah, it was GNARLS BARX
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: shit! i might still have it at home
April: maybe
April: i forget the woman’s name!
April: i bet if you google “inside the playboy mansion” or something you’ll find it
Millie: it’s a book you could DL for free?!
April: yeah!
April: OKAY it’s not like a PUBLISHER WOULD BUY IT
April: it was SO poorly written
April: but i also think it was a cautionary tale? like i think the woman’s site was like, “i want all girls who want to be in playboy to know the TROOF”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: oh my god i need it
April: it’s nuts, for real
April: it’s so fucking gross
April: man, i guess i’m naive, but i really thought that shit was for show
April: like i really didn’t think hef FUCKED all those girls
Millie: yeah but it’s totally like an ASSEMBLY LINE though
Millie: like “whatever gets the job done”
April: uh YES
Millie: not like it’s passionate or anything
April: oh no, not at all
April: but you totally have to REPORT FOR DUTY
April: like you HAVE to do him
April: like this lady thought it was for show, too, until she was up in it
April: and the first night she was so freaked out that she was like, “i’m on my period” to get out of it
April: but it’s so caligula-esque! like he makes them all take baths beforehand and put on matching sexy pajamas and shit
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “matching sexy pajamas”
Millie: can you imagine having to like “LINE UP GIRLS”
April: uh, NO
April: and it ain’t like he’s CLOONEY or some shit!
April: he’s fucking 80+!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: i mean, talk about the most unsexy thing of ALL TIME
April: “line up girls to get a piece of this WRINKLY BONER”
April: GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Millie: like time to CLOCK IN to slather your vag in COOKING OIL (OH. MY. GOD.) and line up to fuck a vampire for two minutes.
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH SERIOUSLY
April: i bet his boner looks like a CALIFORNIA RAISIN’S
Millie: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL FOR ALL MY DAYS AND NIGHTS
Millie: I JUST SERIOUSLY LAUGHED SO FUCKING LOUD AND HARD
April: hahahahahahahahhaha
Millie: that needs to be on your fucking TOMBSTONE
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA
Millie: April Richardson: “I Bet His Boner Looked Like a California Raisin’s.”
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA
April: SERIOUSLY THOUGH!
April: think of how fucking WRINKLY and HAGGARD that shit is!
April: i mean, he’s 80, so there’s the normal wear and tear, and then he’s tappin’ like 20 CHICKS A NIGHT WITH COOKING OIL LUBE. his shit is TORE UP.
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR
April: HAHAHAHHAAHA
April: but for real
April: like an AVERAGE 80-year-old’s boner is gross
April: but his is AGING AT AN ACCELERATED PACE
April: IT’S NOT THE YEARS, IT’S THE MILES
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA he really drove that thing to death
April: hahahahahahahaha
April: worn it down to a nub
Millie: JESUS H BARFING CHRIST
April: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAA
Millie: HAHAHAHA god i’m seriously near BARF TOWN
April: GOD I KNOW
April: i mean, reading it, i was just thinking, “i don’t care if this guy offered me $1 million cash, i could not sleep with him”
April: like all these girls faking like he’s hot and they want to do him?! could never do it
Millie: GOD I’M OBSESSED WITH HOW GROSS HAVING SEX WITH HUGH HEFNER IS.
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA
April: you’ve got to read that book!
Millie: i know!!! i have to download all 300 pages of it somehow
April: hahahaha
April: shit, i wish i could remember that woman’s name!
April: damn, i’m googling
April: i seriously can’t remember her name at all!
Millie: god i would seriously probably vomit upon reading that book
Millie: basically, playboy and playmate shit started sucking major ass in the 90s
April: oh yeah, totally
Millie: that’s when that whole franchise was ruined
April: all the playmates are so gross and fake now
Millie: when they started making SWEATSUITS and shit
Millie: but even still, the thought of getting busy with hugh hefner at 80 YEARS VAMPIRE is so nasty
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SWEATSUITS
April: yeah, it used to be pretty cool
April: like i’m into the era with the bunny outfits and the clubs with dudes in smoking jackets and shit
Millie: yeah totally. but when it started moving to SPENCER’S GIFTS, that’s what killed it
April: yeah dude, shalewa’s right – he MAKES you do anal & girl-on-girl, and get this: he often watches GAY PORN to get a boner!
Millie: LSIDFHSDJKLFJSKLDFJKLSDFJKLSDJFKLSDJFSKLDJFKLSDJ
April: dude, i HAVE to look for this book when i get home for you. i hope i still have it.
Millie: WHY DOES HE WATCH GAY PORN TO GET A BONER
Millie: god i’m obsessed!!!!!!!!
April: hahahahaha I KNOWWWWWWWWWW
April: dude, trust, the book is FASCINATING
April: i was obsessed with it too!
April: and, like, that lead girl from “the girls next door” got to START AND FINISH the sex
April: like that’s an HONOR
April: like she got to be the FIRST AND LAST
April: and they would use baby oil and cooking oil or whatever and just WIPE HIS DONG OFF in between ladies!
April: like THAT’S ALL
April: NO CONDOMS EVER
Millie: OH MY GOD
April: yeah dude. yeah.
Millie: they all had the same DISEASES
Millie: GOD HOW REVOLTING
April: yeah, sliding up and down his greasy wrinkled pole gave them constant YEAST INFECTIONS, too
April: like they all knew when a girl had one because she had to SIT OUT THE ORGY for a couple of nights
Millie: LSKDJFKLSDJFKLSDJFKLSDJKLSFJLKSDJFLKSDJ
April: yes. fact.
April: like, “where’s tiffany?” “oh, she’s got her fucking bi-weekly yeast infection.”
Millie: from LUBING WITH COOKING OIL
Millie: BARF FO LYFE
April: yep. it’s seriously so fucking foul
April: and when girls would say they were on their periods, he would fucking CHECK TO MAKE SURE!
April: fingers-as-dipstick style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Millie: MY INNOCENCE IS SHATTERED.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: oh, come on, is this worse than “zoo”? HAHA
Millie: dude, it’s KIND OF THE SAME
April: hahahahahhahahaha
Millie: both are stories of COMPLETELY UNAPPEALING DONGS.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: “fucking hugh hefner is as gross as fucking a horse.”
Millie: put that shit in STONE
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: you have a point.
Millie: i mean, one has to go through INSANE STRIDES to fuck both a horse AND hugh hefner.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
Millie: it’s no cake walk for either!
April: and one can probably catch the SAME DISEASES
Millie: either way there’s going to be blood on your ass
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAIAU*(&RE*$^Y&*HAAAAAAAAAAAA I AM DYING
Millie: but in the case of hugh hefner, it’s like these BITCHES are FUCKING IDIOTS
Millie: because he would get ZERO PUSSY if it weren’t for the fact that he’s LOADED
Millie: which basically means WOMEN WILL FUCK ANYTHING, ANYTIME.
April: oh yeah, totally
April: absolutely
April: they get insane shit
April: like they get a $1000 a week allowance
April: and cars and a PLASTIC SURGERY BUDGET
Millie: i mean, they always act like women can go out and get laid whenever they want but OH HELL NO
April: all this shit
Millie: women will straight-up MARRY YOUR NASTY ASS
April: yep
April: for some dollarz
Millie: and TAKE TURNS FUCKING YOUR VAMPIRE DICK
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: you are doing a disservice to vampires with that talk
April: he’s grosser than that
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “you are doing a disservice to vampires with that talk”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
April: i mean, vampires are gross, but come on
Millie: hahahahaha “at the end of the day, they’re still not grosser than hugh hefner”
April: hahahahaha serious!
Millie: crusty fossilized mummy dick then
Millie: IT’S NOT THE YEARS, IT’S THE MILES
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAAHA
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA YES
April: mummy is more accurate
April: because vampires are frozen in whatever age they are turned
April: so they might still have the dick of a 20-year-old or whatever
Millie: “FOREVER YOUNG”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: let’s focus on the LOGISTICS
April: hahahahahahahaha
Millie: well not Nosferatu!
Millie: he was GROSS
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: well, sure, but some vampires are, like, brad pitt or whatever
April: but mummies are ALWAYS GROSS
Millie: granted, granted
April: ALWAYS BROKEDOWN
Millie: MUMMIES ARE ALWAYS BROKEDOWN
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
April: like there’s never gonna be a teenage romance novel about mummies
April: no dreamy secret mummies in high school
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: david bowie will not play a sexy mummy
April: hahahahahah EXACTLY
April: no such thing as “sexy mummy”!
April: no “twilight” about mummies