New Perspective On Shit

April: yo, PG kind of rulesApril: dude, when these videos were out, for us at that age, they were...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:44:00 -0800

April: yo, PG kind of rules
April: dude, when these videos were out, for us at that age, they were like MIND-MELTERS
April: this was the TRIPPIEST SHIT EVER to me
April: like, “WHOA LOOK AT THESE FX!!!!!!!!!”
Millie: so yeah, i know that “sledgehammer” is like the dorkiest song you ever did hear
April: yeah, but it kind of rules?
Millie: but i’ve somehow convinced myself it’s a good song
Millie: YES!
Millie: like i kind of told myself, “man, that bass line kind of kills”
Millie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_E0bvOPTRg
April: i remember, even at, like, 7, thinking peeg was kind of cute and then feeling this weird SHAME, like, “but he’s so OLD!”
Millie: yeah, it was like thinking your dad’s work friend was cute
April: YES! exactly!
April: okay, that opening DIDGERIDOO RIFF
April: hahahaha
Millie: okay, is this song not kind of DA FUNK
Millie: or at least it’s TRYING to be?
April: no shit right!
April: can i tell you too, truthfully, that i miss SAXOPHONES?
April: like in popular music?
Millie: i mean, that guitar in the background!
Millie: yeah, horn sections have gone the way o the dinosaurs
April: also, even in 2009, this video is fucking CUTTING EDGE
April: i stand by that
Millie: yeah, it’s hard to gauge just how cute peeg is in this video because it’s so herky-jerky
Millie: but then, at the end
Millie: where he’s kind of dancing with the backup singers
Millie: and is freed of the stop motion animation
Millie: okay, here’s what’s going on:
Millie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_E0bvOPTRg#t=3m31s
April: okay, him jumping in the kitchen
April: CHOIR OF BLACK LADIES!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i think peter gabes was a precursor for modern-day damon albarn!
Millie: okay, so like starting from here
Millie: this is when he starts to TESTIFY
Millie: hahahaha
April: like he was all about WORLD MUSIC and shit
Millie: hahahahaha peter gabriel passed on the torch to damon
April: “here, you’re now the down-ass british honkey”
Millie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sledgehammer_(song)
Millie: those were the memphis horns on that cut
Millie: SO IT’S FUNKY FOR REAL!
April: RIGHT? LEGIT DOWN
Millie: i knew i wasn’t trippin!
April: TRU FUNX
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
April: FUCKING FULL CIRCLE:
April: “In 1991, rappers 3rd Bass borrowed the Tony Levin bass line from the song for their hit “Pop Goes the Weasel.” “
Millie: !!!!!!!!!
Millie: our FAVES.
Millie: “The lyrics are a mosaic of sexual innuendos, with references to steam train, bumper cars, Big Dipper (roller coaster) and fruit cage as metaphors for male and female sexual organs and references to pollination, fruit and bees as metaphors of sexual act.”
Millie: yo
Millie: peter gabriel WANTS SOME
Millie: WON’T YOU SHOW FOR ME.
April: right? but he’s all POETIC ABOUT IT
April: this ain’t “unskinny bop”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “i want to be your sledgehammer” is so poetic
April: a dude in a bow tie is going to come at you with metaphors
April: HAHAHA
April: well, i’m saying, about bees and shit
Millie: “i want to be your sledgehammer… M’LADY.”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: okay, you’re right.
Millie: but STILL
Millie: i’m into it.
April: also, “The 1993 Naughty By Nature song “Hip Hop Hooray” also samples the shakuhachi intro.”
April: again, PG was DOWN
Millie: totally sample-able SHIT !
April: seriously man! the ‘hood was checking for peter gabriel!
Millie: i kind of hope someone as clean cut and bow tie cute like peter gabes would step to me with something like this
April: YOU COULD HAVE A STEAM TRAIN IF YOU JUST LAID DOWN YOUR TRACKS
April: okay, WAIT.
April: …
April: i am JUST NOW realizing how DIRTY this is
April: like right now. december 1, 2009
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “Dear Diary, today I realized that Peter Gabriel is a pervert.”
April: BASIX
Millie: i think it’s great
Millie: he’s so dorky
April: holy shit man, i bumped this tune constantly when i was, like, 7!
April: with NO IDEA about its content!
April: SUBVERSIVE!
Millie: HAHAHAHA while we were jamming out to this song with the magician at the birthday party
Millie: it’s all about FUCKIN’!
April: YES!
April: HOLY FUCK! i am seriously TRIPPING BALLS over this!
April: EVERY SINGLE LYRIC is like “i could be your _________ if you just let me BANG YOU”
Millie: basically peter gabriel is like, “let’s do this.”
April: i like it 500x more now
Millie: a dude in a bow tie is singing this
April: now that i KNOW WHAT’S UP and can APPRECIATE IT PROPERLY at 30
April: RIGHT? that what makes it so much awesomer
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i love this revelation
April: a seasoned world music lover/traveler in a bow tie is like, “let me HAMMER THAT ASS”
April: dude, you knew this before now though?
Millie: i did…
April: dang man! WARN A BROTHER!
Millie: HAHAHAHA
April: i had NO FUCKING IDEA.
Millie: i kind of figured it out when i figured out it was FUNKY
Millie: which was like, only a year ago
April: okay good
April: if you’d have known this since, like, 12, i’d be pissed
Millie: i was like, “wait, this is kind of da funk — and it’s about doin it?!”
April: yeah, i guess the funk should have tipped me off
Millie: i think peter gabriel put the spell on at a young age
April: but i guess i just thought peter gabriel, with his bow tie and moon boots, is some dude who couldn’t talk to girls?
April: who would be embarrassed to talk about doin’ it?
Millie: i think women of our demographic are just realizing now that peter gabriel was part of their sexual development
Millie: RIGHT
Millie: i feel like this song is the part in the 80’s movie where the dork starts doing a humping dance
April: right right
April: GOD MAN, i am seriously STUNNED
April: why the fuck didn’t i realize that EVERY LYRIC is about BONING?!
April: every. fucking. lyric.
April: IF YOU SHOW FOR ME I WILL SHOW FOR YOU
Millie: I LOVE DORKY, HORNY PETER GABRIEL
April: i am the world’s biggest idiot.
Millie: “show me round your FRUIT CAGE.”
Millie: BOKAY!
April: GOD MAN
April: the PG news is TURNING MY WORLD UPSIDE DOWN
April: i seriously feel like the World’s Biggest Dumbass
Millie: HAHAHAHA
April: like i haven’t been paying attention to SHIT all these years
Millie: so many things you’ve realized this year
Millie: many fantasies were learned ON THAT DAY
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: DUDE. SLEDGEHAMMER.
April: EVERY FUCKING LINE!
April: “open up your buns and let my hot dog slide right in!”
April: that MIGHT AS WELL BE A LYRIC
April: I AM A FUCKING IDIOT
Millie: it should have basically been called WHEN ARE WE FUCKING?
April: RIGHT?
April: “Give It Up Already,” the new single from Peter Gabriel
Millie: Peter Gabriel’s hit “I Will Be The Best Lay Of Your Life” in stores now
April: i’m a damn fool.
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you were EIGHT
Millie: that’s a good excuse
April: but i’ve listened to it since then! A LOT! I had “so” on cassette and bumped that shit OFTEN!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i seriously love how you JUST figured it out
April: i SWEAR TO GOD i just did
Millie: playing catch up for all those years!
April: and this changes EVERYTHING
Millie: i think it makes me like 80’s peter gabriel even more
Millie: i mean, this was a RADIO HIT
Millie: it’s probably his most popular song ever
April: oh totally
Millie: and it’s all about fuckin’
Millie: I LOVE THAT!
April: and now i know it’s basically like, “you can open up your hole so i can stick in my pole!”
Millie: and because he’s such a dorky dad type
Millie: white man’s funk
Millie: the best part is that peter gabriel wasn’t trying to be like ROD STEWART back then
Millie: it wasn’t like he was trying to be Gross Old Man Sexy
Millie: he was just like, “here is my dorky bow tie and lame khakis”
April: yeah! he was like, “i’m going to seduce you in this bow tie and my pants tucked into boots”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: like the essence of the dorky dude who doesn’t realize he’s kinda hot
April: yeah!
Millie: GONNA FEEL THAT POWER

April: okay, i can’t stop listening to “what up with that”Millie: what, what is...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:10:34 -0800

April: okay, i can’t stop listening to “what up with that”
Millie: what, what is that?
Millie: literally WHAT UP WITH THAT w/ “what up with that”
April: HAHA
April: from that SNL sketch
Millie: i haven’t seen the sketch!
April: like the ONLY sketch that’s funny now
April: with kenan singing
April: http://www.hulu.com/watch/102975
Millie: hold pls
April: haha
April: it’s seriously the ONLY good thing on the show the past couple weeks
Millie: OH MY GOD SUDEIKIS
Millie: OH MY GOD
April: HAHA I FUCKING KNOW
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: the sketch should just be kenan singing and sudeikis dancing
Millie: OH MY GOD I AM LAUGHING SO HARD
April: dude i know! hahahaha
April: when he SLOWS DOWN his running man!
Millie: I AM LAUGHING SO HARD AT SUKEDZ
April: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i want to MARRY THAT FUCKING GUY SO HARD
April: uh YEAH
April: there was one sketch on this last one where he looked SO FUCKING GOOD HOLY SHIT
April: peep out the “say anything” parody from the recent one if it’s on there
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA i can’t stop laughing at him dancing
Millie: I NEED SURGERY TO STOP
April: HAHAHAHA
April: dude, i can’t believe you didn’t know this! i would have sent it to you weeks ago!
April: SUDEIKIS SLOWED-DOWN RUNNING MAN
Millie: HAHAHA
Millie: when did it air?
Millie: wasn’t it only last week?
April: fucking TEARZ dude! i made chip rewind it like 500 times
April: no, two weeks ago? three?
Millie: oh okay
Millie: hahahaha
Millie: late to the party
April: they did another one on saturday though
April: that’s the audio i posted
April: dude, find the “say anything” sketch from this past week
April: just to PEEP sudeikis in his fucking SWEATER
Millie: hang on, let me find it
April: dude, we need to keep each other up to date on SUDEIKIS NOOZ
Millie: um, YEAH
Millie: like WHEN IS HE GOING TO MARRY US
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA
April: i love that he’s kinda BEEFY
Millie: dude, he’s like my DREAM MAN
April: did i tell you about him going on the cleanse?
April: haha
Millie: what?!?
April: chip knows someone who knows him, and he did that lemon juice & cayenne pepper cleanse or whatever for like 10 days, and after that you are supposed to ease yourself back into food by eating soup and shit like that — but sudeikis was like, “FUCK THAT! I WANT A STEAK!” and ate a steak dinner the FIRST NIGHT off the cleanse and got HELL OF SICK
April: haha
April: i love that so much
April: i would totally do that
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: GOD I WANT TO MARRY HIM.
Millie: HAHAHAHA the way gerald butler walks out
Millie: with that cane
Millie: White Pete
Millie: HAHAHAHA
April: total PRIME MINISTER PETE NICE!
Millie: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: dude, i love it so much when kenan sings, “biological treasures…”
April: IT’S A TRAGEDY BABY!
Millie: i love how james franco is laughing
Millie: oh my god, sudeikis fucking TOP ROCKING is making me cry
April: HAHHAHAHA I KNOW!!!!
April: fucking DOOKIE CHAIN too!
Millie: HAHAHHAAHAHA
Millie: god i fucking just want to watch him dance all day
Millie: i’d PAY
April: HAHAHAHA
April: “open your heart” video style
April: i’m saying though! that’s why i am BEGGING THE INTERNET FOR AN ANIMATED GIF
April: no one has stepped up yet!
Millie: HAHAHAHA

Millie: new john mayer video: fakest fun EVERMillie: reaching new HEIGHTS in fake funApril:...

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:48:00 -0800

Millie: new john mayer video: fakest fun EVER
Millie: reaching new HEIGHTS in fake fun
April: HAHAHAHA
April: send it to me now.
April: faker fun than AMY GRANT VIDEOS?
April: not possible.
Millie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZwVjys2bQI
Millie: he both raised and DESTROYED the bar
Millie: also, i never thought i’d say this
Millie: but i kind of thought john mayer hung out with cooler chicks
Millie: or let me rephrase: i thought he’d have fake fun with cooler chicks
April: “who says i can’t get stoned?”
April: PHOTOGRAPH STILLS
April: “remember last night, guys?”
Millie: i think it’s, like, for people our age
Millie: which is HORRIFYING
April: it BOTHERS ME DEEP IN MY SOUL that i think john mayer is fine, by the way
Millie: um…
Millie: yeah.
Millie: so like i felt NOTHING, ZERO for him
Millie: until i saw this video
Millie: and then was like “uh, i kind of get it now.”
April: like i would date the fuck out of a dude that looked like this
Millie: i wish he didn’t have tattoos
April: oh yeah, his tats are lame as hell
April: JUMPING IN THE POOL IN OUR UNDERWEAR GUYS!
Millie: RIGHT.
Millie: like, am i weird for thinking that i thought he was sort of cooler than hanging out with chicks in CAMO TANK TOPS?
Millie: like maybe i’m giving him waaaaaaay too much credit
Millie: but still
April: i guess? but what were you basing that hypothesis on? he dated JESSICA SIMPSON
Millie: OH GOD, i totally forgot.
Millie: okay, scratch that.
April: he is like the PATRON SAINT of the cool, smart guy that dates lame, dumb chicks
Millie: abso. lutely.
Millie: the rest are just made in his image, really
Millie: god, i really can’t stand all this fake fun
Millie: it’s really making me sick
April: this is like a FAKE FUN ANTHEM
Millie: the part that gets me? the stand-up bit
Millie: i mean, is doing STAND-UP a part of a WILD NIGHT now?!
Millie: that seems like a commitment!
April: yeah, like it’s just PAR FOR THE COURSE of a PARTY NIGHT
Millie: it never, ever occurs to me to do stand-up on a night like that
Millie: i mean, you get dinner, drinks, go to the park — i get
Millie: but to DO STAND-UP?
April: yeah, no shit! it’s not like, “let’s do some SHOOTERS and SWIM IN OUR UNDERWEAR and then DO A TIGHT FIVE AT THE CHUCKLE HUT!”
Millie: HAHA for real!!!!
Millie: “dude, tonight i say we just get shitfaced, go to coney island or something, and then give a PHYSICS LECTURE!”
Millie: “just riffing”
April: HAHAHAHA
April: Ideas of Fun Things To Do
April: dude, this song is just so childish
April: “WHO SAYS i can’t get stoned?! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!”
Millie: yeah, who says.
Millie: i honestly feel like this is some kind of “away we go” type of quandary he’s presenting
Millie: like: hey guys, you’re in your 30’s now. thought you had to be responsible? who says?
April: i need to watch it again, hold on
Millie: hahaha
Millie: really get a FEEL for the material
April: i really need to get inside the characters, throw myself into the story
April: okay, so they had a party — i can tell that from the bottles everywhere
April: and flashbacks are telling me they went to the carnival
Millie: wine bottles
Millie: remember: we’re 30.
April: god, the beginning is so “rainy day women”! like “everybody must get stoned!”
April: yeah, fancy dinner with everyone clinking wine glasses
April: ADULT FUN
April: BUT THEN
April: DANCING ON THE TABLES or some shit
Millie: dude, i mean — does john mayer really light TAPERED CANDLES?!
April: i’m mad at how good he looks in some parts of this, fyi
Millie: yeah, his hair is sick. can’t deny that.
April: haha, now i’m at the part where he’s like, “oh wait, gotta stop & do some stand-up!”
April: and then, UNDERWEAR SWIMMING!
Millie: i feel like those chicks aren’t his friends?
Millie: hahahahahaha what the hell am i saying
April: oh no, totally hired hands
April: we can tell the VIBE ISN’T GENUINE
Millie: see, the thing for me is
Millie: i feel like you have to convince me that this is your CREW
Millie: and it just looks completely disjointed
Millie: like the dudes he was having dinner with — totally
Millie: older guys w/beards in black jackets
Millie: not a stretch
Millie: but then the girls come in and they just seem like RAFF to me
Millie: i mean, i feel like he’s still hanging out with the chick from the “body is a wonderland” video
Millie: she’s probably been loyal to him over the years
April: i don’t think i’ve analyzed it ZAPRUDER STYLE like you have, haha
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “she’s been loyal to him”
April: NO WAY MAN
April: here’s what happened with that:
April: the girl in that video was COOL
April: like the cool DOWN ASS REGULAR CHICK he dated
April: then he got famous
April: and dumped her ass for the jessica simpsons of the world, because NOW HE CAN GET THEM
Millie: then i wonder if he still visits her
Millie: in his hometown
Millie: and they have wistful conversation
April: i doubt it
April: i bet she’s super successful now
April: like a doctor married to a lawyer with honor roll kids and shit
Millie: i bet you they’ve had at least one “remember us?” chat though
April: i mean, maybe, but i think she’s one of those women who is strong as hell and truly doesn’t care, while he secretly pines
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i mean WHO SAYS we can’t analyze this video zapruder style
April: like when he tries to talk to jessica simpson about elvis costello or some shit and she’s like, “who?” and then he looks out the limo window wondering what what’s-her-name is doing now
Millie: he fucked it up for sure
April: totally
April: i feel like john mayer is this dude that was always kind of hot, but didn’t know it until he got famous
April: and NOW he’s trying to tag all the model ass he can
Millie: well, if that’s the case, get better models to have fake fun with
Millie: these chicks are terrible!
April: HAHAHA
Millie: i mean, this guy is FAMOUS AS HELL
April: get someone with FAKE FUN EXPERIENCE!
Millie: i mean, how many times have you seen a picture on the internet of a blonde girl with annoyingly huge sunglasses on give the PEACE SIGN
Millie: he’s better than that
Millie: he’s richer than that!
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
April: i feel like the 30-year-old-ness of this is overwhelming
April: because the fake fun is SO TAME
Millie: oh my god, it’s almost got me in a fake panic!
April: i mean, WINE is involved?! SNOOZE
Millie: how many times are they going to clink wine glasses
Millie: i feel like you could create a drinking game out of the amount of times they clink wine glasses in this video
April: haha
Millie: CHEERS, WE’RE 30
April: seriously! CHEERS, NO MORE PBR FOR US!
Millie: check out the FLOWER ARRANGEMENT in my 30-year-old apartment
Millie: WHO SEZ I CAIN’T GIT STONED

April: listen, i kind of love shakira.April: that bitch is HELLAFIED BONKERS, but doesn’t know...

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:53:00 -0800

April: listen, i kind of love shakira.
April: that bitch is HELLAFIED BONKERS, but doesn’t know OR care
April: i love that shit
Millie: HOLY SHIT, ME TOO!!!
Millie: listen, i FEEL her for some reason
Millie: like, her SHIT.
Millie: meaning, i totally understand the type of girl she is
April: surface talk? her body is NUTS
April: so there’s that
April: but i feel like she doesn’t know how hot she is?
Millie: to me, she’s like that girl from high school
Millie: who was really overzealous in PE
April: YES!
April: HAHA YES!
Millie: and like, kicked THE SHIT out of the ball
Millie: and everyone was afraid of her
April: TOTALLY!
Millie: but she was still tough and sexy?
April: but she DIDN’T REALIZE!
Millie: like she was a WOMAN before anyone else
April: yeah! but also innocent?
April: like her sexiness is just CRAZY?
April: like she doesn’t even know about it?
Millie: or more like, she doesn’t give A SHIT
April: well, right
Millie: or maybe she isn’t super conscious of it
April: i’m saying, like she doesn’t know OR care
April: like she is not trying AT ALL
April: she just IS
April: like she doesn’t know what she’s doing is weird as hell
Millie: it’s as if she’s just saying “look, i roll around and do weird exorcism type moves, i think it’s hot.”
Millie: RIGHT!
April: right!
April: like in this interview I’m editing she’s just matter-of-factly like, “all women have a she wolf inside of them.”
April: OH WE DO? OKAY SHAKIRA.
April: like it’s just FACT.
April: like i just feel like nothing she does is calculated AT ALL
Millie: totally, she’s some crazy pedro almodovar bitch who’s just like, ALL VAGINA and nothing else
Millie: all sexual instincts
Millie: totally doesn’t care
April: yeah! she seems unaware — like she’s not all PREDATORY about it, like some sharon stone character
Millie: RIGHT!
April: she’s just like, BALLS OUT AT ALL TIMES, like that’s the only level she operates on
Millie: it’s like her aggression is not forced
Millie: she’s not going “CHECK ME OUT, I’M SEXUAL AND HOT”
Millie: instead she’s all, “i only know to do pump my crotch in a cage, this is what i do”
April: yeah, she just IS
April: like i feel like i identify with her being BALLS TO THE WALL and not realizing that isn’t how everyone operates
April: not on the SEX TIP or whatever, but just in LIFE
April: like her being all, “you don’t have a she wolf in you?! that’s weird.”
Millie: hahaha i feel closer to her, that’s for sure
April: yeah, i’d hang with shakeerz
Millie: i mean, i love how clueless she is
April: that’s what i’m saying!
Millie: at the end of the day, it’s totally sexy when someone doesn’t realize how sexy they are
April: blissfully unaware of her craziness!
Millie: and not in a low-self-esteem-y kind of way
April: oh yeah, totally
April: right right
Millie: but like someone who is UBER CONFIDENT but somehow ISN’T TRYING.
April: RIGHT! i wish that could be BOTTLED
April: i want that
Millie: and she doesn’t care if she’s being a freak
Millie: and she’s just so FULL O’ PASH
Millie: passion for DAYZ
Millie: which is so great
April: yeah! like she doesn’t even know what BEING A FREAK MEANS, because she’s just ON 10 ALWAYS like it ain’t no thang
Millie: god, she might be the realest bitch EVER.
April: right?
April: and i’m saying, the most appealing part is that NONE OF IT IS ON PURPOSE
April: she is just DOING HER

April: dude. robin thicke.April: robin fucking thicke.April: let’s do this.Millie: he and his...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:12:23 -0800

April: dude. robin thicke.
April: robin fucking thicke.
April: let’s do this.
Millie: he and his wife are like GATTICA
Millie: perfect specimens
April: basically.
April: i remember his first video where he had long hair and was a BIKE MESSENGER or some shit
April: riding around to that beethoven sample or whatever
April: i didn’t give a care
April: but NOW
Millie: haha what?!
April: dang
April: you don’t remember that?
Millie: no!!!
April: shit, i can’t remember the name of the song
Millie: all i know is that “tell me that you like my body” song is the hotness
Millie: whatever that single was
April: yeah, his first single was when he still went by THICKE
Millie: nnnnnnngggggg THICKE
Millie: lame
April: HAHA DUDE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7K7orMOHqY
April: this is like A DIFFERENT GUY
April: when this came out i was like, “who is this jagoff?”
April: and now i’m all, “here baby, hold my jacket”
Millie: GROSS! jamiroquai!
April: i’m saying! this looks like a DIFFERENT HUMAN BEING
April: but now we’re dealing with THIS: http://markangelil.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Robin-Thicke-robin-thicke-49298_1024_768.jpg
Millie: he can basically get it.
April: dude, the EVOLUTION
April: he’s living proof any dude can step up his game. period.
Millie: fuck man
Millie: okay FOUND IT
Millie: feast your eyes on this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOM215SM8UU
April: OH YEAH, i totally remember this ish!
April: DANG MAN, i can’t believe this fine piece’s dad is THE DAD FROM “GROWING PAINS”
April: life is weird
April: he could lose some of the RINGS though
April: but otherwise, i’m on board
Millie: yeah, the rings are hard to deal with
Millie: you don’t need rings man — you’re HOT
Millie: let the essence just ooze
April: right? you don’t need to rely on that shine
April: you got your own
Millie: too bad that’s his wife
Millie: and too bad on that album all he does is thank her for being HOT WITH HIM
April: pretty much
Millie: “here’s a song about how we’re the hottest couple ever and just have sex all the time”
Millie: “oh, and we’re also in love”
April: it’s called “fuck your lives”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “you’ll never aspire to this” — the new single by robin thicke
April: here’s my next single, “sucks you guys aren’t us”
April: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “keep trying” (f/my hot ass wife)
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: the b-side is “don’t bother”
Millie: the single “keep trying” b/w “don’t bother”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: god i wish i was good at photoshop
April: like side a gives you hope, and then side b they’re like, “quit playin’. you’ll never get there.”

April: HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAApril: “The Coral Reefer Band is the touring and recording band of...

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 12:08:00 -0700

April: HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA
April: “The Coral Reefer Band is the touring and recording band of American popular music singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffett. Originally it was a fictional band consisting of the imaginary members Marvin Gardens, Kay Pasa, Al Vacado and Kitty Litter.”
April: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coral_Reefer_Band
April: AL VACADO
April: Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band perform during their Summerzcool Tour in June 2009.
April: SUMMERZCOOL
Millie: that entire thing just made me sick
April: dude. AL VACADO
April: how much of a STRETCH is that?!
Millie: that’s at least the GAYEST stretch
April: seriously.
April: also, how ROCK-AFIRE EXPLOSION is that? a FICTIONAL BAND OF IMAGINARY MEMBERS?! backing up JIMMY BUFFETT’S GROWN ASS?
April: he’s like 60! with this fakey band?!
Millie: this is like chris gaines all over again.
April: it’s like chris gaines on 10!
Millie: chris gaines was the CREEPIEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN
Millie: didn’t anybody realize that?!
April: i think garth brooks spent the years after that trying to sweep it under the rug
April: like he did some “eternal sunshine” shit on AMERICA to rid them of the memory
Millie: HOW QUICKLY the public forgot
Millie: i’ll tell you i didn’t
Millie: i never will!
April: hahaha i know! it’s like BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
April: i love how we viewed that fake “behind the music” with a CRITICAL EYE
Millie: i can’t even believe they DID THAT
Millie: i mean, think of those album covers
Millie: those FAKE album covers
Millie: where he’s like, looking at giant boobs!
April: FORNUCOPIA
April: i think about that OFTEN
April: fucking FORNUCOPIA
April: and the one with SEXY NURSES
Millie: that is so shitty that i kind of wish i’d thought of it
April: i’m saying! with NEON SIGN FONT
Millie: with his ian astbury look or whatever
April: totally!
Millie: GOD WHY DID HE DO THAT
Millie: it boggles my mind
April: I DON’T KNOW! i mean, I LIKE HIM!
April: i seriously LIKE GARTH BROOKS
April: it sucks he made that crazy mistake in front of the WORLD
April: it’s like his high school literary magazine poetry was released as an ALBUM
April: along with the scribblings he made in his notebooks during class
April: like those were made into a “BEHIND THE MUSIC”
April: not like, “haha laugh at this,” but as LEGIT
Millie: well i just marvel at the arrogance of someone who’s like, “look, i want an alter ego — i’m tired of doing what i’m doing”
Millie: “country isn’t enough”
April: HAHAHAHA
April that’s my new tattoo
Millie: and didn’t it sound like ROBIN THICKE or something
Millie: ?
Millie: like white guy sexy soul?
April: i think so? like honkey R&B?
Millie: but what’s creepy is the sudden interest in Being Sexy
Millie: garth brooks was probably sexy to secretaries already!
April: yeah, he was
Millie: i mean i’m sure someone’s mom was going, I WANT THAT
April: he wore tight jeans that showed off his BUNS
Millie: exactly! like you see that concert footage and he’s wearing that burger king headset, doing MOVES
Millie: women love that shit
Millie: well, like, PEOPLE’S MOMS
April: well, right
Millie: so why the FORUNCOPIA then
Millie: that’s all i’m saying
Millie: it’s creepy!
April: yeah, it’s a weird move for him, because people’s moms already find COWBOYS sexy
April: like i think more moms are into COWBOYS IN TIGHT JEANS than they are barefoot white sexy soul dudes
Millie: see, i think he fucked up
Millie: because he already had a pre-established fan base of moms
Millie: so he took this risk being Sexy Soul Dude
April: well yeah!
Millie: less of an audience
Millie: less potential women thinking you’re sexy
April: but maybe that wasn’t the goal?
Millie: i think he wanted the world
April: sure
April: but i don’t think he wanted the world to think he was SEXY, necessarily
April: just more like trying to conquer to opposite genres
April: like country and whitey sexy soul are pretty much opposites on the genre wheel
Millie: well, i think that he wanted to be sexIER
Millie: meaning, there’s a limit to how sexy you can go in country
April: like “friends in low places” is a FAR CRY from “girl i wanna sex you softly” or whatever
April: i think he was more trying to show RANGE than sexiness
Millie: it’s range, but sexiness is the bonut
Millie: but he could have done it simply red style
Millie: kept it classy
April: right right
April: oh yeah, i am NOT defending it
April: just trying to figure it out
Millie: but clearly as his EARLY FAKE ALBUMS imply
Millie: he was a hornball
April: right
April: wait though
April: i think EARLY FAKE CHRIS GAINES was ROCK & ROLL?
April: like heavy?
April: wasn’t that the deal?
Millie: HAHAHAHA
Millie: i have no idea.
April: he was a ROCKER, then had some ACCIDENT and became, like, the white seal?
Millie: i mean, i’m creeped out that he created this whole FAKE CAREER.
April: i really think that was the deal, dude
Millie: reformed bad boy
Millie: LKSFLKJSDLKJDLKJ
Millie: fucking kill me!
April: like he had a CRAZY CAR ACCIDENT on blow or some shit and then had FACIAL SCARS
April: then had his hair in his face and became SOULFUL
Millie: yeah! and then he got spiritual
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHHHAHA
Millie: what a fucking weirdo!
April: we are FIGURING OUT the FAKE LIFE OF CHRIS GAINES
Millie: i bet there’s an allmusic entry
April: peep it!
Millie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Gaines
Millie: “Christian Gene Gaines was born August 10, 1967 in Brisbane, Australia. His family moved to the Los Angeles area when he was five years old.”
Millie:HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHHAHA okay who wrote that?! do you think G. BROOKS HIMSELF did?
Millie: read how fucking DETAILED that part is
Millie: WHY did they come up with some of that shit?!
Millie: that’s what creeps me out
April: “alter ego for a movie project titled The Lamb by Garth Brooks”
April: ?!?!?!?!
April: did that movie happen?
April: man, i never realized he was supposed to be AUSTRALIAN
April: “As an only child, Chris was expected by many to carry the torch in the Olympic waters.”
April: WHAT?!?!?!?!?! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAA
April: HIS FAKE PARENTS WERE OLYMPIANS
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i mean, WHYYYYY is that a “chris gaines fact”?!
Millie: just the DETAIL man
April: “He did complete his G.E.D. in 1987.”
Millie: it’s so psychotic!
April: “In the winter of 1992, Chris was involved in a violent single-car crash that nearly ended his life. Chris spent six weeks in the hospital and over two years undergoing extensive plastic surgery on his face, shoulder and hands.”
April: TOLD YOU!
Millie: HAHAHAHAH “TOLD YOU”
Millie: TOLD YOU this fake fact was REAL
April: i remember that from “behind the music”!
Millie: you should add:
Millie: “He was made to look like Derek Zoolander.”
April: and then his hair was all in his face & shit! and THEN came the white boy soul! THE WHITE SEAL!
April: then he was singing shit that sounded like “kiss from a rose”!
Millie: i also think he was BAREFOOT in that video
Millie: just an FYI
April: EXACTLY!
April: that’s on some SEAL-TYPE SHIT
Millie: so i guess we now know garth brooks really wanted to be seal.
Millie: what the fuck!
April: what could we add to this? this wikipeedz entry was MADE to be tampered with.
Millie: i feel like everything from the deep recesses of our brain is already IN IT
Millie: his entire fake existence is something we’d think of
Millie: as a joke
Millie: i feel as if we could put ANYTHING in there at this point and people wouldn’t think twice
April: yeah, i bet you are the first person to look at this wikipedia entry since the site started
April: you DUSTED OFF THE COBWEBS
Millie: “actually, chris gaines was NOT a sharpshooter at the state fair”
Millie: Most Least Accessed Site On The Internet
April: HAHAHAHAHA GOOD POINT
Millie: let’s think of some “facts”
April: who is going to be like, “that part sounds outlandish.”
April: “chris gaines didn’t really do that.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines was the former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines refused to eat pita bread for an entire year.”
Millie: “Chris Gaines coined the phrase ‘tenderoni’.”
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA
Millie: THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS
April: seriously. no one would question any of it.
April: but who moderates this? do you think garth brooks himself plays HALL MONITOR for the chris gaines entry?
Millie: or MAYBE you should put “Chris Gaines just announced his new album for 2010 called FORNUCOPIA 2: BONER HARVEST” or something
April: BONER HARVEST
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: the artwork is him serving one of those cornucopias stuffed with BOOBS
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: PLEASE make that in photoshop
Millie: boobs in an 80’s bikini top
Millie: coming out of those wicker cornucopia things
April: right, exactly! like the boobs of ’80s hot chicks that look like moms!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHA david is like, “when are you guys NOT talking about chris gaines?”
April: he has a point.

April: fuckin’ hot dudes, manApril: they have it so fucking easyApril: no one ever dumps...

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:21:00 -0700

April: fuckin’ hot dudes, man
April: they have it so fucking easy
April: no one ever dumps them!
Millie: EXACTLY.
Millie: they’ll just act like babies and women will feel bad for them.
April: they just have their pick of the litter and move on to new hot ladies
April: because they’re never getting dumped!
Millie: well. i have to believe they’ll get their comeuppance
Millie: like they’ll die alone in the belly of a whale
Millie: or something
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Millie: okay, i have seen too many real-life zooey deschanelsApril: oh noApril: GODApril:...

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:36:00 -0700

Millie: okay, i have seen too many real-life zooey deschanels
April: oh no
April: GOD
April: BARFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Millie: dude.
April: I HATE INDIENESS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
April: i swear i want to start wearing BIG JOHNSON T-SHIRTS OR SOME SHIT
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: let’s start wearing CRACKER BARREL UNIFORMS
April: i fucking do!
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: then people will think we’re racists.
April: OR WORSE
April: think we are being IRONIC
April: GOD MAN
April: HARDCORE INDIE PEOPLE CAN SUCK IT!
Millie: well then it has to be RYAN’S STEAKHOUSE
April: i have a LIFE DILEMMA here
April: because i love clothes
April: I LOVE CLOTHES. i love dressing up or whatever
April: BUT
April: i feel like i have to somehow make it clear that i am not into ZOOEY DESCHANEL-ESQUE PRECIOUSNESS
April: you know?
Millie: well yeah, you are in a PICKLE
April: like, “just because i look this way, i’m still gonna fucking listen to LL COOL J and eat steaks” or whatever
Millie: i mean, i think it’s clear from the first TWO SECONDS of meeting you though that you aren’t
Millie: haha
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: hahahaha
April: GOOD. THANK YOU.
Millie: “ll cool j/steaks”
April: i’m just trying to think of things ZOOEY-TYPE GIRLS have never done
Millie: i seriously think we need to change the game
Millie: big johnson t-shirts is great
April: i feel like she has never listened to a single ll cool j song or had one bite of a RIBEYE
Millie: i mean, i really do feel like we need to bring back dr. seuss hats
Millie: just to fucking say FUCK YOU
April: but i’m looking at these dresses these girls wear and i like them! they are great! but i don’t need to wear them with black tights and elf shoes and pose in a rose garden or whatever!
April: GOD!
April: CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE AT LEAST
Millie: ALL COY
April: SO. FUCKING. PRECIOUS.
April: i hate how nothing is sincere now!
April: like you can’t even LEGIT like some shit without everyone constantly thinking you’re BEING IRONIC
April: like somebody was recently laughing about my love of elvis, like, “haha, that’s funny,” like it’s IRONIC, and i was baffled!
April: i mean, it’s ELVIS. like, that’s like ironically liking a DESK or a LAMP or DAN RATHER or something. he just IS. he’s just a PART OF AMERICAN LIFE
April: i hate INDIENESS. i swear i want to date a fucking monster truck driver or something
Millie: [link to a picture of an impossibly cute and precious indie girl]
April: whatever to that girl.
April: i could pick food out of my teeth with her legs.
Millie: she’s fucking zooey d.
Millie: period.
Millie: like they have the same vacant wood nymph stare and everything
April: oh totally
April: here’s my thing: what dude wants to FUCK that though?!
April: i just genuinely do not understand!
April: it’s like wanting to fuck a PORCELAIN DOLL!
Millie: RIGHT?!
Millie: that’s what i was thinking too!!
Millie: i was like “weird, they probably have the weirdest sex life ever”
April: like i know MANY DUDES who have said aloud, “zooey deschanel is my dream girl.”
April: ????!!?!?!!!!!!!
April: when i think of DREAM GIRL, i think TOTAL PACKAGE
Millie: but she’s so PRESERVED
Millie: like museum quality
April: which means smart, funny, all that shit, but also BRINGING IT IN BED
April: which i GUARANTEEEEEE zooey d. don’t do
Millie: well she’s cute and perfect but she’s not sexy?
Millie: like she doesn’t have the look in the eye so devilish
April: RIGHT? EXACTLY!
Millie: like to me, sexy is kind of rough around the edges
Millie: ?
April: EXACTLYYYYYYY
April: at least a LITTLE BIT
Millie: right
Millie: like it’s kind of dark
Millie: and weird
Millie: and not like BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY TAILED
April: let’s get serious here: zooey d. gives a shitty blow job.
April: YOU KNOW that is true. you know it!
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: well, only because it’s like, too messy for her
April: yes! too messy and she’s worried she won’t look cute doing it
Millie: exactly
Millie: like she’d want to hold hands, bare mins
April: yes! like she gets tense when the dude goes for the fingerblast
Millie: HAHAHA GET TENSE!
April: AM I NOT CORRECT?
Millie: no you are so right
Millie: she wants to have cute sex!
Millie: CUTE SEX!
April: which is IM.POSS.I.BLE
Millie: exactly
Millie: sex is like the equivalent of a hair lip, lazy eye, and brown tooth rolled into one
April: if you’re having cute sex, you’re not doing it right
Millie: it’s not like perfect skin and wide eyes
April: EXACTLY!
Millie: pigeon toed all looking reflective
April: i think zooey-types are, like, never nudes anyway
April: like always wear super huge vintage granny panties or whatever
Millie: hahahaha
Millie: i mean, sex is not cute
Millie: sex is gross
April: seriously. and if you’re concerned about how you look while doing it, it’s going to suck.
Millie: and it’s riddled with problems
Millie: by default
Millie: so like, it CAN’T possibly be cute
Millie: most people have to get DRUNK just to do it
Millie: so whatever
Millie: it’s awkward
Millie: CLOSING THE LOGICAL GAP
April: hahahahahahahahaha
April: exactly. it’s the obvious conclusion to come to.
April: overly cute/precious indie darling = shitty beej
April: FACE FACTS
Millie: yeah but i feel like guys LOVE that though
Millie: they love to defile and filthify the PRECIOUS FLOWER
April: ew GOD
April: that’s horrifying
April: yeah, but i mean, there are plenty of girls in between
April: that aren’t PRECIOUS DOLLS but also aren’t RAGING SLUTS or whatever
Millie: yeah totally. i think most girls we’d associate with are like, the balance between
Millie: like we’re not like total seasoned sea hags
Millie: but we still kind of want it a lot
April: totally!
April: that’s another thing though! zooey-type girls don’t even seem like they WANT IT
April: like since dicks aren’t CUTE, they don’t even want them
Millie: well it’s a kissing game, bottom line
Millie: like it’s childish, like little kids who kissed accidentally

April: how about i like hot pocketsApril: like genuinelyMillie: you know what dude?Millie: i SWEAR...

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:31:00 -0700

April: how about i like hot pockets
April: like genuinely
Millie: you know what dude?
Millie: i SWEAR to god i’m not being a snob here
Millie: i swear this to you
Millie: but i don’t really like frozen foods?
Millie: like as a genre?
April: right right
April: HAHAHAHA GENRE
Millie: i’m trying to think of exceptions
Millie: okay, i like trader joe’s mac and cheese
Millie: even though it’s ALL CHEESE
Millie: and can easily gross me out
Millie: but it’s usually good
April: right
Millie: otherwise?
April: i think it depends
April: like some shit is cool frozen
April: but OBVS i’m not trying to get, like, frozen surf & turf
Millie: i think frozen waffles are good
Millie: but those are industry standard
Millie: industry standard frozen food that everyone likes
April: HAHAHAHA
April: universally understood: frozen waffles are good
Millie: like i’d rather go to taco bell and have that shit made for me as opposed to frozen
Millie: maybe i just don’t have the patience
April: look, here’s something i realize: i have a very immature palate
April: like i DO like most food
April: most ALL food
April: i’ll go to wendy’s AND eat fancy surf & turf
Millie: well yeah, you don’t discriminate
Millie: a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed
April: but REALLY fancy shit? with crazy ingredients in tiny portions at restaurants that, like, ART GALLERY OWNERS eat at? not into it.
Millie: well yeah — like ARTSY looking food?
Millie: i mean, who has time for that shit
April: shit with like quail eggs and gold flakes and pate or whatever
April: also it’s like $1000 for two bites
Millie: yeah, i’m kind of a chicken-and-rice-in-a-bowl kinda person
Millie: my favorite food is SANDWICHES after all
April: sandwiches are epic
Millie: like remember those toaster strudels that came out?
Millie: i mean, i guess i’m in the middle between gold flake pate and toaster strudels
April: TOASTER STRUDELS ARE FUCKING DELICIOUS MAN
Millie: wait a sec, HERE MY BEEF with that
Millie: i can’t believe THEY make you put the icing on yourself
Millie: you have to ICE your own strudel
Millie: that shit is arrogant
April: HAHA I JUST SPIT VANILLA COKE ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD
April: but here’s MY thing:
April: i don’t see it as arrogant as much as i see it as “we want to make sure your shit is FRESH”
April: like FRESHLY ICED
April: like, “the yahoos at the pop tart factory pre-ice your shit, but it’s a HARD SHELL. we want yours to be SOFT AND FRESH”
April: and it’s a matter of control! YOU CONTROL THE ICING LEVEL!
Millie: well, i trust they have technology to make sure your pre-iced shit is FRESH
Millie: c’mon, we have CELL PHONES
Millie: they can’t make fresh icing?!
April: i don’t think so! not that type!
April: and again, YOU MAKE THE CALL
April: you make the icing call!
April: a little or a lot!
Millie: but see, if i’m making the icing call, i might as well bake the strudel myself
Millie: that’s all i’m saying
Millie: i GO FROZEN to take the guesswork out
Millie: that’s the point!
April: look, i love you, you’re my bff, but you ain’t gonna convince me that there’s a DAMN THING wrong with toaster strudel
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “i love you buddy, but YA BLEW IT.”
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHA
Millie: my thing is that frozen food is for mofos on the go
Millie: that’s the point
Millie: i’m not trying to do any work
April: right
April: BUT
April: icing.
April: icing is never work.
April: in any situation.
Millie: like i almost call into question the fact that frozen waffles aren’t PRE-SYRUPED
Millie: like a mcgriddle
Millie: well that’s subjective though — you like to ice
Millie: that’s fact
Millie: whereas i find it tedious
Millie: i think it’s personality based
April: my only beef with toaster strudel
April: ONLY BEEF
April: and it’s TINY
April: is that they only come with one icing packet per strudel
Millie: EXACTLY. so what if you aren’t satisfied after that initial pack?
Millie: you have to dip into the other shit
April: i will give you that. but that’s all.
Millie: and then eventually you got strudels, no ice
Millie: total bullsh
April: well, it’s just an exercise in self-control for me.
April: i can’t waste the icing on the present strudel, because i have to keep in mind i’ll want it on a new one later
Millie: because see, what i’d do
Millie: i’d make the first three intital strudels the most ICED OUT JAMS ever
Millie: and then i’m fucking throwing away three
Millie: see, again, personality based
Millie: they have to know that
April: WHAT?! i’m saying, toaster strudels are even good WITHOUT ICING
April: UNPRECEDENTED
Millie: they have to know that not EVERYONE is gonna show restraint
Millie: IMPOSSIBLE
April: hahahaha “they should plan for emergencies”
Millie: wait a minute
April: we should be on the marketing board of everything, by the way
Millie: NO ICING, NO STRUDEL
April: people don’t really think through this kind of shit
Millie: seriously
April: could you IMAGINE if we got it so the big shots at the toaster strudel factory included extra icing packets?!
Millie: nobody is going UPSIDE the head when it comes to this shit
April: they would erect statues of us in every major city
Millie: you’ll notice i won’t have a toaster strudel in my hand though
April: uh, yes you would! a HEAVILY ICED one!
Millie: wait a second, let me explain
Millie: i’m talking about WHAT I’D DO if i ate them
Millie: i’m just saying that given the chance, that’s how i’d react
April: oh wait, you don’t want to have to ice yours AT ALL, regardless of the amount they provide?
Millie: the problem at hand is why i DON’T EAT THEM
Millie: it’s a matter of principle
Millie: exactly
April: you’re being kind of ridiculous.
April: WHAT DO YOU WANT, THE WORLD?!
Millie: what?! i’m being REAL
Millie: the inconvenience of icing that shit is why i don’t eat them
April: really?!
April: see, the FRESHNESS and the CONTROL of the icing is why i do!
Millie: and what i’d do if i HAD to is what further drives the nail
April: we’re at a stalemate.
Millie: it’s a cold war

April: black jack taco: deliciousApril: taco bell is upping their sauce gameMillie: tell me...

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:01:10 -0700

April: black jack taco: delicious
April: taco bell is upping their sauce game
Millie: tell me now…
Millie: is this super hot ?
April: spicy pepper jack sauce is on point
April: naw
April: just right, goldielocks steez
Millie: they should just make you a novelty food tester
Millie: you’re in the wrong business, kid
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: GOD I WISH
April: i would EXCEL at that job
Millie: i feel like that’s a role you were born to play
April: HAHAHAHA
April: where would i go to apply to be a novelty food tester though?
April: to test ALL BRANDS
Millie: well, funnily enough
Millie: i used to work in marketing research, remember
April: oh yeah!
April: but it wouldn’t all be awesome
Millie: and there was ALL KINDS of novel shit going through there
April: like i wouldn’t be testing new taco bell recipes or cool sodas all day
Millie: well, i remember the big thing back when i worked there was that drinkable yogurt
April: there would be times where it would be like, “we need to you taste this new kind of limburger cheese ice cream” or some shit
Millie: that was FRESH ON THE SCENE then
Millie: and i was like “oh my god, i can’t think of anything grosser than drinkable yogurt.”
April: hahahaha
Millie: as if yogurt was HARD to get down in the first place
April: wait, was it in a tube?
April: i’d drink it if it was in a proper drinking receptacle
April: not that squeeze tube shit
Millie: well yeah, it was like a plastic jug
Millie: like a chocolate milk
April: okay, that’s fine then
April: as long as it’s not in a weird TO-GO TUBE or whatever
Millie: but it’s so gross to me!
April: haha
April: i think of it like a smoothie i guess?
Millie: yeah but also, what’s CHALLENGING about yogurt?!
Millie: like “man, we have to make this easier somehow.”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Millie: it’s already KINDA drinkable!
April: i guess HANDS-FREE?
April: NO SPOON REQUIRED
Millie: see the thing is, it was totally geared towards kids
April: oh
April: in that case, i don’t know
Millie: so it was also PURPLE
April: OH DANG
April: that’s weird as hell
Millie: and had dinosaurs on the front
April: hahahahahaha
Millie: maybe that’s why i thought it was so gross?
April: “for your busy playground lifestyle”
Millie: i love how we have to trick kids into being healthy
April: yeah, i’m not into the PURPLE DRANK aspect
Millie: but it’s NOT HEALTHY AT ALL
Millie: “let’s take this carrot, pulverize it, color it yellow, and make it taste like cotton candy”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: you just got yourself a high-ranking job at kraft. congratulations!
April: INGENUITY!
Millie: i’m the don draper of novelty foods
Millie: where as you’d be the neil armstrong
Millie: the DO-ER
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: i seriously want that job.
Millie: but see, okay - the diff is
April: but again, there would be some HARD TIMES
Millie: you like shit that you ALREADY know is bad for you.
April: some rough-ass shit to taste
April: it ain’t all gonna be electric-cherry slurpees
Millie: you’re not like, “can’t wait to taste the new cherry cola flavored broccoli!”
Millie: like you’re not a fool.
April: well, right
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: i like o.g. broccoli
Millie: exactly
April: IN ADDITION TO taco bell constantly
April: i’m well-rounded.
April: hahahahahaha
Millie: but you ALSO like donut-flavored milkshakes
Millie: hahahaha
April: HAHAHA
April: like i’ll wash down lima beans with orange creamsicle frozee treetz
April: or whatever
Millie: right. you’re not fooling yourself, which i admire.
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “admire”
Millie: i mean, someone i know has to be testing all this shit out
Millie: i think i could really get you a job testing foods though
April: that would rule
Millie: but like you said, there would be HARD TIMES
April: i’d really like it if it were to focus on soda and/or candy though
Millie: hahahaha and TACOS
Millie: well, thankfully there’s a lot of that going on
April: HAHAHA “thankfully”
Millie: like flavored cheese-its that are TWISTS instead of squares
Millie: shit like that
April: i’m into that!
Millie: but then there’s like, other shit
Millie: like we did something on clamato once, which i KNOW you’ll hate
April: OH GOD
April: okay, yeah, some of them i’d have to sit out
Millie: yeah but i think you’d be employed for the most part
Millie: it’s a good thing that vegetables don’t have to be marketed
Millie: like they just exist
April: hahahahaha
April: well, they kind of do?
April: like sometimes they are sold pre-packaged and cut up or whatever, so kids will think they are “fun”
Millie: well yeah - that’s what i mean
April: like packaged with ranch dressing and called “X-TREEM DIPPERZ!” or whatever
Millie: but like an ear of corn doesn’t have a marketing campaign necessarily
Millie: but like the EXTREME COOL KIDZ version of it would
April: right
April: but i feel like in this day & age it has to be?
April: like the commercial almost has to be like, “we know this isn’t pizza, but it’s COOL ANYWAY! PLEASE EAT IT!!!!!”
Millie: i’m just saying there’s not people sitting watching an unfinished commercial about ARUGULA or something
April: right right
Millie: well you know, it’s like in that “in defense of food” book
Millie: where like once they deemed eggs as bad for you, the EGG dudes went on a PR spree
April: right
Millie: or like when they had those commercials about how sugar “when used in moderation” is part of a healthy diet
April: haha “the egg dudes”
April: i love that that’s for real
Millie: EGG DUDES make the call
April: that there’s actually an EGG BOARD and CORN BOARD and shit
Millie: right!!
Millie: i sit on the Egg Board
Millie: Potato Council
April: hahahaha
April: Celery Legislature
Millie: I CALL THIS MEETING TO ORDER
April: hahaha

April: i might be listening to “easy lover” on repeat.Millie: nothing wrong with...

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:26:32 -0700

April: i might be listening to “easy lover” on repeat.
Millie: nothing wrong with that.
April: hahahaha
April: i can be myself around you.
Millie: i’m honored!
April: HAHAHAHA
Millie: listen, it’s probably my fave phil collins jam?
April: solo? of course
April: otherwise i gotta go with “that’s all”
April: if we’re including genesis
Millie: hahahaha
Millie: all i think about is HOBOS when i think of that song
Millie: i have no idea why
Millie: is it the video i’m thinking of?
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
April: “that’s all” = hobos to you?
Millie: i feel like it’s a hobo anthem or something!
Millie: i honestly don’t know WHY though?!
April: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i don’t either?
April: unless it’s like, you give a hobo change and he goes, “THAT’S ALL?!”
Millie: oh HERE’S WHY: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xigxw_phil-collins-genesis-thats-all
Millie: the band is dressed as hobos
Millie: with matching fingerless hobo gloves
Millie: !
April: OH! i only picture the karaoke video when i hear it
April: since i ALWAYS sing it at karaoke WITHOUT FAIL
Millie: i feel like phil collins did a lot of hobo songs though
Millie: or like DRESSED like a hobo a lot?
Millie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfZqXLnBYb4
Millie: technically just a song about homeless people
April: well, yeah
Millie: BUT I SWEAR there’s another video where he dressed like a hobo
April: oh my GOD, there is so much LAUGHING in this “easy lover” video
April: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1kDmnHyOBg
Millie: dude YES!
Millie: this was one of those videos in the 80s that had the BLOOPERS ALREADY IN THE VIDEO
April: TOTALLY
April: built-in bloopers!
Millie: the making of the video WHILE THE VIDEO IS HAPPENING!!
Millie: psych your mind!
April: clearly the plight of the hobos was not on phil’s mind this day
Millie: haha not with that decorative squiggle behind them
Millie: okay, it fucking PISSES ME OFF that someone like phil collins would never be famous in this day and age
Millie: like someone’s CHEESY DAD would never be famous now
April: yep.
April: no one older than 22 can be famous now.
Millie: i mean, this was on MTV
Millie: MTFUCKINGV!
April: totally
Millie: that totally blows my mind
April: and those dudes are SUCH DADS
Millie: hahahaha BOTH of them are
April: I KNOW!
Millie: like they were neighbors who decided to do a song together
April: like, yeah, this is a jam, but this is totally if TWO DADS MADE A MUSIC VIDEO
Millie: HAHAHA at the mall
April: hahaha yes!
April: i hate the present.
Millie: hahahaha “two dads made a music video”
Millie: fuck, what happened to our youth?!
April: i’m saying.
April: like, i remember being a kid — and like every kid, concerned with being COOL to a degree — and i still liked this shit
Millie: there was a host of DADS MAKING VIDEOS back then though
April: today you would be CRUCIFIED in high school if you liked dudes who looked like this
Millie: like shitty billy joel videos, rod stewart
Millie: they don’t exist!!!
April: i mean, they TURN DOWN THE MUSIC IN THIS VIDEO SO THESE GUYS CAN LAUGH OVER IT
Millie: i mean, think of ONE person who is that old and lame who is famous right now
Millie: that even makes it on vh1 or MTV
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA “who is that old and lame”
Millie: seriously!
April: no, you’re right! you’re completely right
Millie: it makes me want to cry
Millie: phil collins makes me want to cry
April: me too! if you’re not a totally polished, skinny fetus, you can’t be famous.
Millie: he’s like someone’s cheeseball dad who likes 60s music
Millie: and he’s just trying to put it out there
Millie: in the 80s that is
Millie: same thing with billy joel
Millie: like i want to cry
Millie: thinking about how billy joel is your dad in his soda shop themed basement
April: listen, i’m going to say this right now: everyone tools on him, but p. collins GOT SOME JAMS
April: well, billy joel i got less time for
Millie: hahahahaha
April: i don’t give a care about that dude
Millie: i used to not, but i’m coming to terms
Millie: coming to terms with b. joel
April: but how old was phil collins when he made it?
April: like when he joined genesis?
Millie: god, he SEEMED 60
April: because yeah, if you are trying to JUST get famous today at, like, 40? HAVE FUN WITH THAT
Millie: then again he seemed 60 at all times to me
April: like today that is IM. POSS. I. BLE.
Millie: dude, i fucking love, love, LOVE when people get famous at 40
Millie: and not in a reality TV show kind of way
April: oh no, me too!
Millie: but when actual singers/writers/actors/comedians/whatever get famous at 40 or something
April: i mean, all my favorite famous people are, like, 40+
Millie: or like when old people form a band and they make it
Millie: so how old was phil collins when he got famous then?
April: peep out wikipeedz
Millie: hold pls
April: k
Millie: okay, he was born in ‘51
Millie: apparently joined genesis sometime around 1970?
April: oh
April: weird
Millie: went SOLO in 81 though.
April: so maybe he’s one of those “born old” dudes?
April: because i swear he looked like a dad ALWAYS
Millie: so he was 30 and looking like that?!
Millie: wait, let me figure this “easy lover” riddle out
Millie: FUCKING SHIT
Millie: he produced that song “there’s something going on” by frida
Millie: i love that fucking song!
April: phil collins did?!
Millie: this wikipedia page is Fact Heaven
Millie: YES!
April: HAHA
Millie: okay, “easy lover” was 84
Millie: he was 33 years YOUNG
April: okay.
April: okay.
April: that motherfucker looks MID-50s, easy
Millie: phil collins was only three years older than us.
April: NO WAY is he THREE YEARS OLDER than us in that shit!
Millie: he looks like our fucking DAD in that video!
April: he looks DADDIER than my dad in that shit!
Millie: i think i know actual 60 year olds that look younger than phil collins in that video
April: TOTALLY!
April: especially their WARDROBE CHOICES
Millie: but phil collins was all about wearing suits with sneakers
Millie: like “hey, i’m just a regular guy”
April: yeah
April: and it’s like, now, it’s the age thing AND the regular guy thing — you can’t do EITHER
April: if you want to be famous, it’s like you have to be YOUNG AND RICH ALREADY
Millie: totally
Millie: this conversation is making me want to cry
April: i know.
April: i hate youth.
Millie: “he looks DADDIER than my dad”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: DADDIER
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA he does!
April: like phil collins in that video makes my fucking stepdad look like a SMOOTH OPERATOR
Millie: well he makes us look like PRESCHOOLERS then
Millie: if he was 33 looking like that
April: no shit right!
Millie: and ACTING like that!
Millie: which is even MORE disturbing
Millie: that he was THAT cheesy at 33!
April: like i said, now that i’m 30, the people that were 30 when i was, say, 12 or 13 seem like they were 100
Millie: oh TOTALLY! i read your thing about “thirtysomething” on twitter the other day
Millie: completely. and. totally.
Millie: i was like “i’m thirtysomething and these people seem twice as old!”
April: dude. i saw a commercial for that shit on DVD and was like, “NO ONE I KNOW acts like this. these are some OLD ASS FOLKS.”

April: i think i hate songs about “partying”April: like literal “let’s...

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:57:00 -0700

April: i think i hate songs about “partying”
April: like literal “let’s PARTY!” songs
April: this fucking miley cyrus atrocity made me realize that
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA GOD ME NEITHER
April: like songs were they actually say “party” in them
Millie: one of the worst songs of all time is “everybody have fun tonight” by wang chung
Millie: like ONE OF THE WORST.
April: HAHAHA YEAH
April: maybe the only song i like with “party” in it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9FHbP2-of8
Millie: oh DUH, of course
Millie: i mean, DMX is something else
Millie: he was trying to make HYENAS the new DOBERMANS for christ sake
April: this isn’t even about partying
April: or, i guess it’s about DMX’S IDEA OF PARTYING
April: which is KILLING YOU
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: “your death is a party to me!”
April: hahahahahahah
April: like it has party in the title, but it’s obviously not about going to chuck e. cheese
Millie: well i find that this song isn’t really included in the PARTY MIX most of the time
Millie: like it’s too dark
April: right
Millie: it’s not like “where’s the party” by madonnna or anything
April: honestly though, aren’t party songs lame?
April: like any song that is LITERALLY about a party is dumb
Millie: oh totally. they’re way too fucking EAGER
Millie: it’s like, “dude, if you’ve got to tell me to party, chances are i won’t want to with you”
April: exactly!
April: they are, like, trying to CONVINCE you a party is going on
Millie: they’re the embodiment of a dude who tries to start a wave at a sporting event
Millie: that guy sucks
April: like with any super literal “WE ARE PARTYING SO HARD RIGHT NOW!” song i just picture a bunch of people sitting around reading or something and the singer trying to be like, “we’re partying, right? RIGHT?”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHA
April: hahaha “they’re like the guy trying to start the wave”
Millie: i just hate anybody who’s gonna force me to do anything
Millie: partying included
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: WHOOPS, I SPOKE TOO SOON! Amanda on twitter reminded me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDbpzjbXUZI
April: hahaha
Millie: yeah, we BOTH did.
Millie: then again…
Millie: the song isn’t really about getting a party STARTED, per se
Millie: it’s about a girl who likes to party
Millie: all the time.
April: right right
April: got by on a technicality.
Millie: thank GOD
Millie: that song fucking rules!
April: right?

Millie: how about i was just standing next to alec motherfuckin’ baldwin.Millie: how about...

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:01:00 -0700

Millie: how about i was just standing next to alec motherfuckin’ baldwin.
Millie: how about that shit.
April: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH RIGHT NOWWWWWWWW
April: CAMPHONE PIXXXX?
April: SNEAKY CAMPHONE PIX?
April: does he look good in person?
April: does he smell like BRUT?
April: like a MAN?
Millie: dude. motherfucker COMMANDS.
Millie: that’s all you need to know.
April: OH MAN
April: he’s a MAN’S MAN
April: did you MEET him? like properly?
Millie: like, that guy has the BOOK WRITTEN on being presidental.
April: GOD I AM SO JEALOUS OF YOU RIGHT NOW I COULD EXPLODE
Millie: no, i didn’t like shake his hand or anything because i was too scared
April: whatever! he would just try to SEDUCE YOU
Millie: seriously. kind of like the most ROYAL person ever.
Millie: I KNOW MAN.
April: i feel like he could seduce any woman in a 50-mile radius
Millie: i was like “he’s going to fucking hypnotize me.”
April: he COULD!
April: OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
April: i can’t believe this just happened!
Millie: i was sort of standing in this circle with him and he gave me a look.
April: WHAT DID HE SMELL LIKE I WANT TO KNOW
Millie: that’s all i needed
April: also, how tall is he?
Millie: like i’m sure i was like wallpaper to him but i don’t care
April: NOT SHORT, right?
Millie: NO, he’s not short
April: THANK YOU JESUS
Millie: but i just thought he’d be 45 feet tall
April: did his blue eyes burn a hole through your soul?
Millie: i mean, he’s probably average dude height
April: like six feet at least?
Millie: uh, his SUIT burned through my soul.
Millie: his.
Millie: fucking.
Millie: suit.
Millie: man.
April: OH GOD
April: i am going to have to rub one out at work with this talk.
April: DESCRIBE THAT SHIT NOW
Millie: okay
Millie: it’s dark grey
Millie: can’t remember the tie
Millie: burgundy maybe?
Millie: i can’t remember
Millie: i’m assuming your pause means you’re wacking it
April: uh pretty much
April: like i’m TRYING NOT TO
Millie: listen man
Millie: that dude should go into politics or something
Millie: i’m serious
April: i think he might? or has said he wanted to?
Millie: too bad i can’t go down and ASK HIM ABOUT THAT right now as he’s eating chicken
Millie: (they’re on lunch now)
April: GO JOIN THEM!
April: WHY DID YOU LEAVE?!
April: SIT ON HIS LAP!
Millie: dude, EVERYONE is on his jock
Millie: he’s got a crew
April: JOIN THAT CREW
April: RIDE THEM COATTAILS
April: THEM FINE-ASS COATTAILS
Millie: his presidental entourage
April: i can’t believe you were just in the same room as that guy.
April: that’s like being in the same room as james bond or some shit.
April: WHO is suaver than that dude?!
April: NO ONE.
Millie: i’m going to break out my ruler to see how far i was away from him
April: HAHAHA DO IT
Millie: hold please
April: SAME ROOM is enough though!
Millie: okay, maybe three feet?
Millie: a good three
April: ARM’S LENGTH
Millie: basically
April: listen
April: i would have asked for his number
April: i mean, WHY NOT?
April: NOTHING TO LOSE
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i’d still, like, BRAG about it if i got dissed
April: “yeah, alec baldwin turned me down”
Millie: well yeah. if you’re gonna get dissed, at least get dissed by the finest.
Millie: that’s probably a good idea actually — totally raises the bar for future rejection
Millie: but i am CERTAIN i would be fired if i asked him out
April: RIGHT? then if some normal dude gives you the fade, it’s like, “WHO THE FUCK CARES? you ain’t shit. ALEC BALDWIN dissed this first!”
April: listen, WORTH losing your job.
April: TAKE THAT RISK
Millie: “my life was ruined all because i asked alec baldwin for his phone number.”
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: “i am homeless and penniless because i lost my job and my house after asking for alec baldwin’s digits”
Millie: i just can’t get over how INTENSITY in ten cities he is
Millie: like he has a PRESENCE
April: well, YEAH
April: oh totally
April: dude has a FORCEFIELD
Millie: i think the suit had only exacerbated it
April: yeah
Millie: he came IN as jack donaghy
April: he is so Old School Man
April: like i feel like i SHOULDN’T like him
April: it’s weird
April: his political stance is on point
April: like he’s all liberal and all pro-gays and pro-women’s rights and shit
April: but seems like a lost member of the rat pack secretly?
April: like he eats steaks and drinks whiskey and wants to bend his secretary over his knee when she fucks up
Millie: yeah. he’s a pussy killer alright.
Millie: he totally seems like an old actor in that way
Millie: old hollywood i mean
April: oh absolutely
Millie: like robert fucking mitchum or something
April: yes!
Millie: yeah, it’s kind of AMAZING
April: man
April: i hope you see him again today
April: SLIP HIM YOUR ROOM KEY
Millie: he’s here tomorrow too
April: OH SHIT
April: get in on that!
April: POWER LUNCH
Millie: i didn’t even want to talk to him - i just wanted to be AROUND HIM
April: oh sure
April: totally
April: man, you’ve GOT to get a picture with that fine piece
April: how was his hair?
Millie: great hair
Millie: going grey, how we like it
April: right right
April: but thick and shit? freshly buzzed? or short back & sides?
Millie: not buzzed
Millie: grown out a little
Millie: but PRESIDENTAL
April: i am living vicariously through your cock & balls right now
April: KNOW THAT

Millie: i don’t know much about presidents. i’m like bookends with that shit — i know...

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Millie: i don’t know much about presidents. i’m like bookends with that shit — i know george washington and bill clinton, and that’s it
April: i mean, i know some stuff, but i don’t know facts about millard fillmore or whatever
Millie: wasn’t teddy roosevelt the one who walked the streets like a cop?
April: HAHA, WHAT?
Millie: yeah, i remember hearing he was down as hell and would, like, patrol the streets like a cop, all, “hey, I hope all my citizens are doing good”
April: uh, will you PLEASE be a history teacher?

Millie: i just saw Sisqo eating in the cafeteria. based on the food alone, i don’t know if...

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 13:58:00 -0700

Millie: i just saw Sisqo eating in the cafeteria. based on the food alone, i don’t know if i’ve ever witnessed a harder fall from grace.
April: OKAY SISQO.
April: TELL ME NOW
April: was he eating SBARROS?
Millie: I can’t believe you just said that.
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I AM LAUGHING MY ASS OFF
April: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
April: did he still have SILVER HAIR BY KRYLON?
Millie: no! and he was NOT wearing an all white leather suit with an embroidered dragon on the back with no shirt on underneath
April: WHAT THE FUCK
Millie: I KNOW RIGHT?!
April: doesn’t he know he can’t leave the house without it?
Millie: i mean, how are we supposed to recognize him without sweaty, bikini clad dancers on platforms behind him
Millie: in CABO
April: what is he doing there, anyway?!
April: HAHAHAHAHA ENTER THE DRAGON
Millie: keith sweat has a reality show where he’s trying to get DRU HILL back together
Millie: like it’s CRUCIAL
April: WAIT WHAT
April: WHAT?!?!?!?!
April: fucking LOOK AT THE SENTENCE YOU TYPED AGAIN
April: REALLY LOOK AT IT
April: “keith sweat has a reality show where he’s trying to get DRU HILL back together”
April: ARE YOU FOR REAL?!?!?!
Millie: it’s almost as if it was GHOST TYPED
April: is this a REAL THING THAT IS REALLY HAPPENING?!
Millie: yeah, they felt it necessary to DOCUMENT THAT PROCESS
April: and why is he TRYING to get them back together?! does he have to TRY?! like any of those clowns are doing ANYTHING these days!
Millie: “the world just doesn’t feel the same without dru hill in it”
April: i love how it’s KEITH SWEAT’S RESPONSIBILITY to fix this problem
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Millie: keith sweat is the Great Mediator
April: THIS IS ON YOUR SHOULDERS, KEEF
Millie: “FACILITATE THIS REUNION OR THE WORLD WILL SURELY SUFFER”
April: “who is a real go-getter who could get this task accomplished?” “uh, keith sweat?”
Millie: oh, and you know the BIGGEST shocker?
Millie: the name of their new album?
Millie: “Indrupendence Day”
April: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH RIGHT NOW
Millie: INDRUPENDENCE DAY.
April: wait, so it’s a foregone conclusion?
April: we ALREADY KNOW they will get back together?
Millie: the follow up to DRU WORLD ORDER
April: keith didn’t even really have to do anything?
April: HAHAHAHAHA GOD
April: never have titles been so far off
Millie: never has there been such a reach
April: like i love their claims of WORLD DOMINATION when NO ONE listens to those dudes
Millie: don’t you mean WORLD DRUOMINATION
April: “INDRUPENDENCE DAY” is borderline offensive to me
April: like, seriously, QUIT FUCKING PLAYING
Millie: they really crammed the DRU in there
Millie: it certainly rolls off the tongue
April: yeah, it really feels natural
April: i feel like their next album will be, like, “Amendments to the Constidrution”
Millie: HAHAHAHA, we need to anticipate their next five album titles
Millie: The Articles of Confedruation
April: The Gettysdrug Adruss
Millie: The Druisianna Druchase
April: HAHAHAHA i love how they’re all HISTORICAL
April: like dru hill had a real IMPACT on shit
April: i just can’t believe how conceited it is to call your shit DRU WORLD ORDER
Millie: i know right?! THE DRU WORLD ORDER (That Only Lasted Six Months)
April: hahahaha, seriously
April: did they have ANY hits?
Millie: i have a feeling that this new reality show is like, one episode
April: i vaguely remember their videos
Millie: keith sweat comes over and is like “hey, can we get this band back together” and everyone screams “YES PLEASE” and it’s over
April: HAHAHA FOR REAL! like, “hey, i’m keith sweat, will you guys get back together?”
Millie: “WE NEED THE WORK!”
April: HAHAHAHA EXACTLY
April: “WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO ASK, SWEATY!”
Millie: “sisqo was working at ross dress for less when he got the call”
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
April: DRESS BARN
April: “we’ve had the songs for The Magna Druta just waiting to be put on wax!”
April: i’m running out of historical documents, haha
April: i can’t believe you SAW HIM EATING
April: please tell me he’s a DOLLAR MENUAIRE
Millie: i think he was eating like, shitty cafeteria pizza
Millie: hahahah awww
April: HAHAHA oh man, like RECTANGLE SLICES?
Millie: YES!!!!
April: DUDE I AM CRYING AT MY DESK
April: katie thinks i’m a total lunatic
Millie: HAHAHHAHA
April: i’m like “SISQO EATING HAHAHAHA AHAHAHA BWAHAHAHAHAA”
April: rectangular pizza slice is so LUNCH LADY LAND it hurts
Millie: I KNOW!!!!!!!!
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
April: i love how you go, “keith sweat comes over,” like dru hill lives together like the MONKEES or something
Millie: HAHAHA
Millie: they ride unicycles hurriedly through their shared loft
April: HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA
April: can you NAME another dru hill member besides sisqo?! i swear, i could hit one of those dudes with my car and not know who it is
Millie: well the funny thing is, i looked at a pic of them and i swear there were like THREE DIFFERENT GUYS that i thought were sisqo
April: hahahahahaaaaa
Millie: but then i was like “wait, that guy is sisqo…why do those two OTHER guys look like him too?!”
Millie: like they’re in an aphex twin video
April: HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAA

April: i am seriously trying to get to the bottom of the history of “moustache rides...

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:10:00 -0700

April: i am seriously trying to get to the bottom of the history of “moustache rides 5¢”
Millie: paul’s right though - trying to look it up would be a fucking NIGHTMARE
Millie: just because you wouldn’t get a straight answer
Millie: from the internet
April: yeah, it just brings up shit about CUNNILINGUS
Millie: i mean, the internet is like one GIANT mustache rides joke
Millie: and there’s no way to ask that question
Millie: and get a REAL ANSWER
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i am CRYING
April: “the internet is like one giant moustache rides joke”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHHAHA
Millie: dude, it’s so true
Millie: like there are CERTAIN things you just can’t look up
Millie: because the internet has RUINED and FILTHIFIED it for you
Millie: you’ll never get the real story!
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: I JUST WANT THE WHOLESOME BACKSTORY OF “MOUSTACHE RIDES FIVE CENTS”
April: why must it be SOILED?!
Millie: i’m afraid you’re gonna have to do it old school
Millie: might have to call a radio station
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
April: SOURCE OF ALL ANSWERS
April: or 411
April: i will call 411 and ask where “moustache rides” came from
Millie: you’re going to have to preface it with “don’t hang up on me”
Millie: “this is not a joke”
April: seriously
April: maybe i should call, like, a moustache historian?
April: i’m sure someone has that title in this world
April: and has been on some discovery channel show
Millie: but how are you going to look up a MOUSTACHE HISTORIAN?
Millie: on the internet? without it being A FUCKING JOKE?!
April: i don’t know! find the EXPERT ROSTER? like the expert roster that the casting people at discovery or a&e keep?
April: who the fuck finds the CHEETO EXPERTS for food network shows? i need to call that person
Millie: HAHAHAHA EXPERTS. ROSTER.
Millie: fuck that, i’m an expert at something if that’s the case
April: haha, but i’m kind of serious! i mean, the food network must have a list of, like, KETCHUP EXPERTS or whatever for those “how this shit is made” shows that marc summers hosts
April: so i am willing to bet there is a MOUSTACHE HISTORIAN in this world
Millie: i mean there’s gotta be a book about the history of moustaches
Millie: written by america’s foremost moustache historian
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: i wish that was me.
Millie: but then again, how do you look up that book without getting a fucking SPENCER’S GIFTS entry
April: right. exactly.
Millie: like some novelty book on moustaches
Millie: for your coffee table
April: i want someone with a diploma from MOUSTACHE UNIVERSITY
April: an ACCREDITED INSTITUTION
Millie: someone with CREDENTIALS
Millie: none of this correspondence mustache school shit
April: i wish the internet would be serious with me sometimes when it came to moustaches
Millie: it’s times like this where i want to kick IRONY in the ass
Millie: because at some point, you could have had your question answered in minutes FLAT
April: RIGHT?
Millie: in a completely serious way
April: i know! i genuinely want to know this.
Millie: like there was a time where people took moustaches seriously
Millie: and now it’s all one big fucking joke
Millie: where you can’t even get a MOUSTACHE QUESTION ANSWERED PROPERLY
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHA
April: well, look
April: i’m not asking for the world to be turned upside down
April: i’m still in favor of laughing at moustaches
Millie: maybe i am?
Millie: maybe i want them to be serious again?
April: but when i need a serious question answered, i expect a moment of clarity
April: my stepdad has a serious one
Millie: that’s what i mean
Millie: bring some meaning back to having one
April: my stepdad also seriously wears denim button-downs with the sleeves ripped off.
Millie: some soul, some truth
April: not acceptable.
Millie: WHY?!
Millie: why rip the sleeves off?!
Millie: just wear a vest or something!!
April: uh, because he’s a TOTAL REDNECK?
April: which is the EXACT DEMOGRAPHIC that TAKES MOUSTACHES SERIOUSLY
Millie: i just don’t understand why someone would rip off sleeves
Millie: there are OTHER THINGS MADE without sleeves
Millie: just seems like a waste of effort
Millie: i mean, i can see liking the BASE SHIRT
Millie: and then being like, “man, this shirt would be 20 times more awesome sleeveless”
April: i guess it made it easier to do YARD WORK in?
April: i don’t know.
April: BACK TO THE LECTURE AT HAND
Millie: HAHA
April: where am i going to get the number of a moustache expert? a serious one
April: i need to know 1. the first person to coin the phrase “moustache rides,” 2. why they are five cents and who came up with that price, and 3. why is it always in saloon/wild west font, just because moustaches were more common back then?
Millie: maybe i have some connections here?
Millie: i can try to see
April: OH MAN
April: that would be amazing
Millie: i mean, we always have people to come on and talk about OLD WEST shit
April: hook me up with a MOUSTACHE HISTORIAN!
April: hahaha
Millie: if there was anything i could do for you as a GROWN FOLK
Millie: let it be this.
April: HAHAHAHAHA
April: use your CAREER CONNECTIONS for this important cause

Millie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collyer_brothersApril: okay.April: i love that they...

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 12:29:00 -0700

Millie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collyer_brothers
April: okay.
April: i love that they “became famous for hoarding”
April: how were they unemployed but had all this shit?!
Millie: i know right?!
Millie: it’s hilarious to have found like 14 PIANOS in one house
Millie: and like HALF A CAR
April: i love these dudes! famous for being SNOBS and HOARDERS
April: famous!
April: 100 TONS OF RUBBISH
April: 100 TONS!!!!!!!!!!!
Millie: i think we should follow in their footsteps
April: holy FUCK man the PICTURES!
April: HOW did they sleep?!
Millie: except the dying in the apartment thing
Millie: but i think we should become Professional Snobs and Hoarders
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
April: FAMOUS for it!
April: “i’m a FAMOUS SNOB!”
April: “The site of the former Collyer house is now a park, named for the brothers.”
April:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April: WHAT?????????
April: they were just DIRTY ASSHOLES!
Millie: seems so ironic that they were snobs, yet didn’t discriminate when it came to THEIR SHIT.
April: right?!
April: they were just fucking FLITHY JERKS and now they have shit NAMED AFTER THEM
Millie: listen, if we were just dirty assholes, we could have a park named after us.
Millie: THAT’S ALL!
April: so all i have to do to MAKE IT is stay in my apartment and never throw anything away?
April: RECIPE FOR SUCCESS!
Millie: i know - it’s kind of a brilliant business model for us
April: hahaha

Millie: okayApril: sup?Millie: fucking the “pop goes the weasel” video?Millie: the...

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 10:49:23 -0700

Millie: okay
April: sup?
Millie: fucking the “pop goes the weasel” video?
Millie: the fucking SONG
Millie: 3RD BASS IN GENERAL
April: uh, the best?
Millie: blows my fucking MIND.
April: uh YEAH
April: like CONSCIOUS WHITEYS
Millie: MC SERCH IS MY DREAM MAN.
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
April: basically.
April: he’s like HONORABLE
Millie: like serch in the “white rapper show” with the grey sides
April: dude, that show.
April: that show was the greatest thing ever.
April: MC SERCH is like the downest white guy this side of damon albarn
Millie: I’M SAYIN!
Millie: and barry sobel.
Millie: like there’s only like one guy every decade who gets the ghetto pass
Millie: they’re like comets
April: HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHA
April: TOTALLYYYYYYYYY
Millie: barry sobel > mc serch > damon albarn
Millie: PASSING OF THE TORCH
April: passing of the torch
April: JINXXXX
Millie: holy fuck.
Millie: did we just say that at the same time?!
April: uh YES
Millie: GENIUSES!
April: we are.
April: dude, i love how ETHICAL mc serch is
April: like he could totally be a sociology professor
Millie: oh my god, totally. he’s got NOTHING BUT HONOR.
Millie: i totally have the hots for him because of that
Millie: “i just love your… brains.”
April: me and chip have talked about this before
April: like how 3rd bass was ALWAYS legit, like ALWAYS conscious honkeys and never had a party phase like the beastie boys
April: like yeah, NOW the beastie boys are all down with tibet and feminism or whatever, but 3rd bass were ALWAYS socially responsible
Millie: CONSCIOUS. HONKEYS.
Millie: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i’m sort of serious!
Millie: 3rd bass was always trying to elevate your mind
April: like they were always like, “yes, we know we’re white, and we know that already means what we’re doing is dubious”
Millie: always calling out phonies
April: oh totally
April: like i remember having to LOOK UP p.w. botha
Millie: but i NEVER THOUGHT they weren’t down though!
Millie: even back when they were popular
Millie: like i totally accepted them
Millie: i didn’t even think twice about them being white
April: like WHAT WHITEYS were calling out APARTHEID DUDES?!
Millie: i mean, even when house of pain came out i was like “yo, these guys are kinda white”
April: EDUC8
April: oh absolutely!
Millie: i think because 3rd bass was already in the scene?
April: they were down as fuck
Millie: they had skills
Millie: i mean, look
April: oh totally
Millie: everlast? there’s some cleverness to his shit in “jump around”
Millie: i won’t deny that
Millie: but at the same time i was always like “this is kind of like the white boy jam”
April: did you see that i seriously JUST found out that he ISN’T saying, “i got more rhymes than a bottle’s got songs”?
April: because i found that out, like, a month ago.
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: i thought he said that too
Millie: until i did the headwork
Millie: and was like, “oh. bible’s got psalms.”
April: i just thought, “okay, people blow on bottles, they could play songs…”
Millie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: HAHAHAHA
April: MAKES SENSE
April: COULD HAPPEN
Millie: also used to get tripped up on “trying to play me out like as if my name was sega”
Millie: SEGA.
Millie: if you want to date your song, make a video game reference now
April: sure, but it’s still a dope line
April: i’ll give him that
Millie: i’ve heard better.
Millie: in that SONG
Millie: i’m just saying my favorite is “i’ll serve your ass like john mcenroe, if your girl steps up i’m slapping the ho”
April: i’m going to go ahead and say that you could probably play ENDLESS songs by blowing on a bottle, but the bible has a finite number of psalms
April: LOGIC FLAW
April: i like my version better
Millie: how many psalms you think the bible has? ballpark?
April: i don’t know? like 200?
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: how many songs are there in the world?
April: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: there you go.
April: or maybe 2,000? the bible is dense.
Millie: king james verz?
April: anyway, whatever the answer is, it’s not INFINITY
April: which i feel could be the amount of songs you could make on a bottle
Millie: right, that’s what i’m saying
Millie: i’m agreeing with you
Millie: you know what?
Millie: i *think* i could be the female mc serch
Millie: like if i really tried
Millie: put some effort into it
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHAA
April: you’re not even jewish!
Millie: do i have to be jewish?
April: i feel like being jewish is the edge
April: barry sobel = jewish
April: beastie boys = jewish
Millie: we have the same glasses though!
April: i feel like being jewish makes the ghetto pass process go faster
Millie: i could wear suits with turtlenecks underneath
Millie: yeah, it’s all family
Millie: i’m just saying that he’s the closest dude i probably look like
Millie: if i were a dude
Millie: i’d probably look like him
April: i’m sure.
April: you don’t look like him!
Millie: ON PURPOSE
Millie: HAHAHAHA

April: i always forget that slick rick is englishMillie: HE IS?April: oh yeah!April: dude’s...

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 15:12:07 -0700

April: i always forget that slick rick is english
Millie: HE IS?
April: oh yeah!
April: dude’s from LONDON!
April: remember? he almost got deported?
Millie: weird!! i just thought it was because he was a bad dude
April: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Millie: america’s like “someone take him, please”
April: you can’t just PICK A COUNTRY TO SEND SOMEONE TO
April: hahahahahahaha
April: america: “this guy sucks! send him to [throws dart at globe] ENGLAND!”

April: look, i’m still into this though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6j7huh5EgewApril:...

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 13:20:00 -0700

April: look, i’m still into this though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6j7huh5Egew
April: i’d holler at that guy
Millie: god the hair though.
Millie: why he can’t just do like a slick down or something?
April: yeah, i know. but i’d still get with it.
April: i think it’s the white shirt and the arms
April: and the HEIGHT
Millie: well yeah for real
Millie: i just don’t like vampire-era jack white
Millie: with mustache
April: oh fuck naw
April: me neither
April: and he wears like a TOP HAT now too
April: like P.T. BARNUM or some shit
April: or like DEADWOOD
April: i’m kind of into this though: http://www.splotchy.com/images/blog/WhiteStripes.jpg
April: could do with a trim, but still
Millie: and i’m not feeling that beach necklace
April: or this: http://www.amoeba.com/dynamic-images/blog/Sarah/WhiteStripes.jpg
April: i’m feeling those BEEFY ARMS
Millie: yeah his arms are sick man.
Millie: he knows how to wear a t-shirt
April: serious.
April: but this is just horrifying: http://www.100xr.com/100_XR/Artists/W/White_Stripes/The.White.Stripes.jpg
April: he’s like the ringleader of an old-timey circus
April: or like an old-timey traveling freak show
Millie: he looks like wizzo from the bozo show
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
April: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? this guy is a registered sex offender: http://flywithbats.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/jwhite.jpg
Millie: he looks like a native american lady
April: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
Millie: i think he’s wearing foundation
Millie: mineral makeup
April: BARE ESCENTUALS
Millie: i thought detroit was harder than that
April: but yet, i might give this guy my number? http://i.realone.com/assets/rn/img/4/7/3/4/26654374-26654432-large.jpg
Millie: total baby face
Millie: just for once i want to see him with a slick back
Millie: i mean, he can keep the mustache if he needs to, but at least do some kind of clark gable thing
April: “if he needs to”
April: OH SHIT WAIT
April: you know that? FUCK THAT DUDE
April: NEVER MIND ON ALL COUNTS
April: he dated RENEE ZELLWEGS!
April: i just remembered that!
Millie: i was gonna say? thought she was the dealbreaker
April: well, depends
April: because CLOONEY hit that
April: and clooney can do what clooney wants
April: there are no dealbreakers with clooney
April: that guy could come and shit on my kitchen floor and i still wouldn’t stand him up at the altar
April: SLICKBACK JACK! http://j.bdbphotos.com/pictures/V/8L/V8J7V3P_large.jpg
Millie: okay there we go.
Millie: that’s what i’m talking about
Millie: WHAT I’M INTO
April: totally. that’s on some old-school johnny cash ish
April: BUT
April: i think jack white might be one dude where i’m like, “get rid of the button-down. wrap those guns in a T-SHIRT.”
April: WHERE’S THE BEEF?
April: nah’mean?
Millie: AMIRIGHT
Millie: yeah, he’s a t-shirt guy
Millie: accentuate the gun show
April: seriously. know your strengths and focus on them.